Do we really end up marrying our parents?

I happened to be at an event where the guest seated next to me was a counselling psychologist. What luck! I would get to pick her brains throughout the event and get some interesting facts for this column.

But a shrink is a shrink. She ended up psychoanalysing me instead. Don’t despair, though, since I got to learn a thing or two in the process.

Apparently, we all end up marrying our parents! Forget the weird Sigmund Freud Oedipus complex. This is deeper stuff.

Apparently, we unconsciously seek mates (yes, the psychologist used this word throughout) who are similar to our parents or primary caregivers.

If we had dysfunctional relationships with our parents, we expect our mates to correct the situation by meeting these unresolved needs.

In fact, your mate could still be angry due to some unresolved issues from their childhood, but unknown to you, or them, he or she vents that anger on you because you are not meeting that need!

Thank you, counsellor, I now understand why I get unreasonably angry when a driver hoots behind me, or when hubby criticises me.

MENTAL MODELS

“You can make a deliberate effort at running away from your childhood, especially if your family was dysfunctional, but because of the mental models, you will still recreate it with your mate.”

She went ahead to explain, as I made a mental note to Google the meaning of mental models.

Oh, she also explained that the reason love is blind and marriage the eye-opener is that we tend to fall in love with an ideal, a mirage that has no faults.

We only get to see the real imperfect person once we get to live with them. I still get a little headache trying to search for my father in my husband, something that is quite unsettling.

I do not remember much of my parents’ marriage. But I know it was full of drama. They married young, as teenagers, so in a lot of ways, I suspect they were still finding themselves.

Come to think of it, I do salute them for trying to make it work, with the added responsibility of parenting.

They were not perfect, and the one thing that I remember as very confusing (and irritating) was when they fought, and would use us, the kids, as conveyer belts; little messengers who could not simply take sides even if we wished, simply because we loved each of them and did not care who was on the right or wrong.

“Tell your mother not to over-salt the food next time, unless she intends to poison me.”

I remember our father sending me to deliver this message to mom, who sat right across him during dinner.

“You are just like your father, irresponsible!”

That was mom, airing her frustration after my brother broke something, as her husband stood right next to her. After that chat with the shrink, I have become more conscious of my reaction to situations.

I now psychoanalyse myself, and of course hubby. Am I expecting him to step in where my father failed? Is he expecting the same from me?

Also, at the back of my mind, I have to remember that being a parent, I have the power to either positively or negatively influence my children.