WIFESPEAK: How unquestioned patriarchy haunts marriages

A man vacuum cleaning. We pass on distorted ideas of marriage to young brides. We preach submission to mean subordination and domination.

PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • As I read the reactions on social media about the recent incidences of gender violence, I realise that women are at the forefront of passing on prejudices against our fellow women.
  • We are the first to sneer when a woman stands up and questions the norms.

Someone swore to have my kidney for dinner if I wrote about this.

And I promised that I would definitely write about it.

Most Kenyan communities are undoubtedly patriarchal. I have come to learn that this is a politically correct word. The reality is that we are largely a sexist community. The male views himself as superior, his characteristics and masculinity sharply contrasted with the female.

The female on the other hand is viewed as inferior and centuries of the same conditioning has made her view herself and her kind as inferior to the male. In my mother tongue, the word woman on its own is derogatory, unless when used to refer to someone’s woman or wife.

It is the same with Swahili, when someone says “Wacha umama.” ( Stop behaving like a woman) it essentially means one is being petty or childish. On the contrary, being called a ndume; the male of any animal is the highest accolade one can give someone, man or woman. My friend, the one after my kidney, referred to a woman as ‘man’ because of the said woman’s achievements.

Huyo ni mwanume I tell you. She is even better than most men.” She said, referring to a woman who had transformed not just her family but her community.

“Why do you call her a man? Can’t a woman, or any human being for that matter, achieve as much as she or he possibly can?” As you guessed, it started off an argument. This inevitably led to the discussion-or is it gossip -about the said woman’s marriage, or the breakdown of the same.

TWO MEN IN A MARRIAGE

“You see, there could not have been two men in a marriage.”

“I hear that he was abusive. Surely…”

“I am sure she was not submissive. That kind does not respect the husband.”

“What kind is she?” I persisted.

“Not humble, too outspoken, too aggressive…”

“You mean, bold, assertive, confident and driven, unfortunately married to an insecure man?” Sarah, my friend, not her name but let’s call her that signed, looked at me like a mother looks at her naïve six year old, then explained:

“A woman has to choose between her marriage or career. If you become too ambitious, your marriage will suffer.”

I opened my mouth to speak but she put up her index finger, and shook her head to mean ‘no.’ Like a child subdued into silence, I closed my mouth. She continued:

“Can you name any senior woman who is still married?”

She paused but before I could respond, continued:

“Among our politicians, do you see any top woman who is also married?” I put up my index finger and mimed "wrong" as I shook my head, which bought me seconds of speaking space. I rattled names of senior women in politics and organisations who are married. And since I still had room to speak, I mentioned other women, great achievers from all over the globe who are married.

SEXIST CULTURE

“Including New Zealand’s Prime Minister who also gave birth while in office.” Sarah was momentarily speechless, so I continued.

“It is our sexist culture. We pass on distorted ideas of marriage to young brides. We preach submission to mean subordination and domination. We even distort the Bible, because the Holy Book also says that both husband and wife should each submit to the other.”

Sarah sighed, and then said; “But that is what they tell us. A wife should submit. Come to think of it, no one remembers to tell the husband that he is to love his wife, or even to submit too.”

As I read the reactions on social media about the recent incidences of gender violence, I realise that women are at the forefront of passing on prejudices against our fellow women. We are the first to sneer when a woman stands up and questions the norms. We empower our girls not to actualise their potential, but to compete with the men.

“What a man can do, a woman can do better,” we tell our little girls, without pausing to question the implication of such a statement. by saying that, we promote a scarcity mentality. Soon, gender equity becomes a gender war.  Then when they are getting married, we tell them things like:

“Don’t embarrass your husband out there. Don’t talk about stuff that is happening in your marriage. Cover your husband, protect your marriage.”

For all those women in abusive marriages, please disregard what they told you. Get out, save yourself and your children.

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