JUST BRENDA: I’m getting married soon but sex scares me

Dear Brenda,
I am getting married soon and I am scared because I fear sex. I tried it before a long time ago and it was hell. After that, I abstained. Now my wedding is nearing and I am so scared. Help.

Hi!

I'm so sorry. I guess it is too late to interest you in practicing to make it perfect. I have talked to many people with this issue.

So there are a couple of things I'd like to advise, because much as it seems you are a weirdo, you're not – a lot of people find sex weird and uncomfortable, particularly the first time – dare I say, even painful.

This could be for many reasons, but a lot of the time they are psychological – you don't think you should be having sex, or you are scared, or there is past trauma, like you.

The first thing you should do is make your partner aware that the entire idea of sex scares you, and they should be aware of this, particularly on the wedding night, as you may be too amped up/tired to even have sex on that night, and IT ISN'T A MUST.

Secondly, you need to see a sex therapist. This problem is perfectly normal, and a little psychoanalysis will help you understand what you're so scared of, and even teach you little ways and methods you can use to make the experience easier and more comfortable for you, such as using lube, or extended foreplay.

Finally, I would also suggest talking to your friends about it, the ones who are already sexually active, about their experiences, and pick your honest friends. The more you know, the more secure you'll feel going into something that isn't so unknown anymore. And the more secure you feel, the better the sex.

Don't have sex until you're ready, because there's really no point if you won't enjoy it. Sex is for the people involved, not a singular part. And if you're not going to have sex after you get married, then when? Good luck.

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