WIFESPEAK: Is there a magic wand for a successful marriage?

I’ve always been curious about how couples manage to keep their relationships sizzling even after decades of marriage.

I often wonder what strategies they use because I struggle with keeping my sanity let alone keeping my relationship warm and cosy.

So it was only natural that I was a keen observer during a recent outing with a group of friends.

We were one jolly group, different families, made up of about 25 people, including the children. Out of this group were six married couples, yours truly included. The rest were single.

It’s amazing what insights one can draw from watching couples in a space where they are uninhibited and free to be in their element.

I wonder whether I am the only wife on this planet who has a mighty struggle letting go of grudges with the  hubby. He should know better than to say such unkind words to me or be so insensitive and how can he be so thoughtless…I hoard beef, clearly.

Back the couples I was observing. Between the Naituris were an older child and a toddler. Their older child was an independent spunky girl who went for her food when hungry and joined her playmates at her own time. The toddler, like all toddlers, needed to be reigned in.

BUNDLE OF ENERGY

He was a little bundle of energy that kept Mrs Naituri busy while Mr Naituri had his lunch. As if on cue, when Mr Naituri finished his lunch, he took over tending to the toddler as Mrs Naituri settled in for her lunch. The just-discovered-my-feet little man kept his dad active, running after him.

Meanwhile, across the table from us was Mr Otieno.

“Honey… Honey…” he called out to his wife, who was happily chatting two tables away. Their baby, grumpy with a cold, only wanted dad’s arms, which I could imagine were by now getting numb. 

“Let daddy have his lunch now,” said Mrs Otieno, walking over to them. The baby adamantly refused to be carried by mom. Mrs Otieno hovered over the two, serving her husband lunch, mixing the baby’s food.

“We will eat together, maybe, ask the waiter for some gravy,” said Mr Otieno.

The Bundis, a little older than the rest of us, sat together chatting. The wife, occasionally breaking out into laughter as Mr Bundi, the more talkative of the two regaled her with stories.

WONDERFUL CAMARIDERIE

They had a wonderful camaraderie that I would give an arm to enjoy with hubby if only he would…where was I? Their children sat away, teenagers, enjoying their space and independence. The Bundis only focused on each other’s comfort.

“Beth, have you tried the grilled goat?” Mr Bundi asked Mrs Bundi as he served from the grill.

“Oh, I loved the chicken, try it,” she replied.

While the rest of us scampered, screaming “No! Stop that! No!” to our children later when they discovered a mound of sand and dived in, the Bundis did not even fret. Mr Bundi took photos, laughing, to the delight of the children.

NURTURING

The Nyagas nurtured us all. Mr Nyaga joined the children’s table and ensured that each little pair of hands was sparkly clean before serving them the much-anticipated chips. He selected the softest of the meats for each child. The most amazing thing was that he somehow had all the children sitting at table and eating. It looked so easy that I am tempted to ask the Nyagas to adopt our kids. Mrs Nyaga tended the teenager’s table, reminding the waiter to spare some of the chips and soda for the older children. Then, interestingly, they still remembered to nurture each other.

“Honey, I’m serving you the choma, better eat it while it’s still hot.” Mrs Nyaga called out as she picked a side plate to serve him. After lunch, Mr Nyaga reminded the waiter to brew the tea “just right” for his wife.

The youngest of the couple, the Onsares, still starry-eyed, understandably, sat close together. It seemed like they were sitting on one chair. They had a honeymoon look about them, yet I could sense that they were going through the adjustment phase of marriage. Should the wife be serving the husband? Should the husband be serving the wife?

Hubby and I sat together, not talking much to each other, but doing more of munching on the tasty grill. As I observed the other couples, I wondered; what and where did they get the magic wand to help deal with their disagreements so they could so effortlessly enjoy their relationship?

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