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JUST BRENDA: My husband is gay

Tuesday October 9 2018

The man I thought was in love with me turned out to be gay or bisexual.

The man I thought was in love with me turned out to be gay or bisexual. PHOTO| FILE 

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Hello Brenda,

I am a victim of a failed marriage. The man I thought was in love with me turned out to be gay or bisexual. At this point I can’t tell where he leans. I am totally straight. This is depressing and devastating. His close buddies are actually married to women but gay too from what I found out. They hid all this dirt and used us to hide their real sexuality.

What happens to the kids we have with them? How do we raise sons without fathers in a society that shows us boys from single parents are a mess? I love my kids. I can’t talk to anyone because of stigma and of how it might affect the kids. Help me think through this.



This must come as quite a shock to you. I'm so sorry about this. I hope that first of all you know that this is not your fault. Sometimes people are deceitful – for many reasons – but it is not your fault for wanting to believe in love, and wanting to believe that the man you married was going to be honest with you.


That is what we all expect. And the fact that there were many men conspiring together makes it worse. You didn't know you were being used, and that, truly, is unfair.

That being said, is he bisexual and faithful to you, or was the entire marriage a fallacy? Because those are two different things. However, if he was unfaithful, I believe that you will be able to come to an agreement about how you will raise your children.

Contrary to what seems to be your and popular opinion, sons without fathers do not automatically become messes – several wonderful and successful members of society come from single homes, increasingly so, lately.

There is always hope for your children, particularly as the father is not absent – he is just a liar, which he needs to figure out, because these are not traits that we want him passing on. So since you both love your kids, figure out a co-parenting schedule as he hopefully figures himself out, so you can figure out life, even if it is not together, but for the kids.


Do you have a problem to share with Brenda? Please email: [email protected]