JUST BRENDA: My mama's boy husband involves his mother in all our affairs

My boyfriend and his mother are so close that he involves her in our affairs. PHOTO | FILE | NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • My husband lives next to his mother, and gets all meals from her house.
  • They are so close that at some point in the past, he used to involve her in our arguments.
  • Most of the time when he calls I can hear her voice in the background, making comments.
  • Do you have a problem to share with Brenda? Please email: [email protected]

Dear Brenda,

I have been in a long distance marriage for close to two years. We don’t have any children yet. My husband is an entrepreneur operating from his ancestral home, while I work in another county as a civil servant.

My problem is the closeness between my husband and his mother. She is a widow and he is her lastborn son.

My husband and I meet at least once a month. Sixty percent of the time I am the one who has to travel to make it happen.

Meanwhile, he lives next to his mother, and gets all meals from her house. They are so close that at some point in the past, he used to involve her in our arguments. I knew it because she would call me. Even though that has stopped – I had told him I was not okay with that – something else has cropped up.

Most of the time when he calls I can hear her voice in the background, making comments. There is no privacy at all in our conversations. It has gotten to a point that I’m afraid to share intimate details with my husband over the phone, just in case she is eavesdropping.

Now I am being pressured to look for a transfer that would enable me to work from home; basically next to her.

Brenda, I am afraid. If the situation is already awkward yet I work far away, what will happen when we all live next to each other?

What should I do about the whole situation?

 

Hi,

I got distressed just reading your letter. This is an incredibly stressful situation.

First of all, let us look at your needs in this relationship. Do you want to move closer to your husband for the sake of your marriage and for the sake of yourself? If so, then go ahead and look for said transfer, if you think it will bring you peace of mind.

Second, in terms of the mother-in-law, you're going to have to put your foot down. You see, a man's relationship with his mother is nothing to be trifled with – but neither is the relationship with his wife.

Both should be able to co-exist, with the basic understanding that one cannot give what the other can give. In short, he cannot marry his mother, and you cannot mother him. Make it clear to him that there is a difference between the woman who birthed him and the woman spending the rest of his life with him.

You are uncomfortable, and this is not just for your needs, but for your marriage too, which will collapse if it continues as an unholy threesome. Make your worries clear. You cannot move back in such a situation. The marriage cannot move forward in such a situation. And it is his responsibility to draw boundaries with her, not yours. Good luck.

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Do you have a problem to share with Brenda? Please email: [email protected]