JUST BRENDA: I'm tired of forcing my wife to get intimate with me

Hi Brenda,

I have been married for the last 24 years to a woman I love. Seven years ago, she changed and I had to start begging her for sex. I would beg for even one hour before she gives in and sometimes I would force myself.

Lately, I feel like I should marry a second wife.

To be sincere, my wife is a staunch believer and I think the church factor, amongst other things, may be contributing to our problem.

I got tired of forcing her to have sex; I feel it’s rape. So, I started masturbating but I feel it is not the safe way to go.

Should I marry another wife, or should I continue forcing her with hopes that she will change one day? Or should I go ahead with masturbation until I find another option? Please advise.

First of all, marital rape is a thing. There is a sentence there where you have said sometimes you would force yourself. That's not ok.

If your wife doesn't want to have sex, don't force her. If you don't want to have sex, you shouldn't have to either. If there is anything less than enthusiastic consent, back the hell off.

You've stopped because you felt it was rape – yes, it was, and you should apologise to her, as you make plans to go for counselling because you have successfully scarred this woman. In counselling, perhaps, you will learn exactly why your wife has been holding out on sex, and if the church actually is the problem – though this wouldn't make sense, if you're legally married.

On masturbation, people use it – even if it would appear that it doesn't help them much – so perhaps use it for the time being as you find a solution through the said counselling as well. Perhaps it is indeed a libido imbalance issue, but you will be able to find out more after you talk to someone. Good luck.

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