WIFESPEAK: What I learnt from my parents' marriage

A couple arguing in front of their children. my parents' marriage became toxic with each passing year.. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Why this nostalgic account you ask?
  • Because my mom’s 27th death anniversary is round the corner, and because, sadly, my parents' marriage became toxic with each passing year.
  • The music was replaced with shouting matches and the dancing was replaced with punches.
  • Do you have feedback on this story? E-mail: [email protected]

Like any other family, my siblings and I like to reminisce about the good old days.

One of my personal favourites was when we played silly games
as a family. I must have been four or five but today, decades later, I can still clearly see mom on her knees, scarf on her head, crawling, behind a sofa seat, making an ogre sound, chasing us. My brother and I would scream in pure joy and feigned terror when she caught up with us.

Our baby brother, too young to understand what we were up to, would bawl his heart out and mom would uncover her head and smile, assuring him that it was only a game.

We would throw him nasty looks and urge mom to play with us again.

FUN RHYME

I remember our dad teaching us a fun memory rhyme, which to date I can rattle on in my sleep. It was in my mother tongue. Most of my age
mates, who cannot even speak the dialect too fluently, look at me in awe when I effortlessly sing -or is it narrate-the rhyme.

My brother remembers training the dogs and feeding them with our dad. I remember being terrified of those huge angry guard dogs that were only released in the night to roam in the farm.

Only my brother and dad could approach those dogs.

They were so fierce that not only did they keep off any potential thieves in the night, but they also scared off the elephants. We have fond memories of riding in our father’s work truck, I think it was a trailer because our food was warmed at the dashboard area. I do not know about the science behind it, but we still talk about the magic of it. And of course, which Kenyan child can ever forget the annual trips to the National Agricultural Show? We behaved so well, weeks prior to the event.

“If you push your sister, your mother and I will not take you to the Show,” dad said.

I can assure you, even when my brother pushed me I played tough and did not cry. Because, this was a treat that we would not let a mere push or pinch take away. Our special memory of my parent’s relationship was watching them dance along to Skeeter Davis on the gramophone.  I could sing along Millie Small’s Better Forget What I Told You when I was seven and I can still sing every lyric from the songs in that album. My parents were crazy about music, so much so that they named our baby brother Davies. After Ms Skeeter, hallo?

DANCING REPLACED WITH PUNCHES

Why this nostalgic account you ask? Because my mom’s 27th death anniversary is round the corner, and because, sadly, my parents' marriage became toxic with each passing year.  The music was replaced with shouting matches and the dancing was replaced with punches. And we, the children, hurt and lost and disillusioned, watched, and tried to play the music. And we took some punches too, in the form of angry words from either of the warring parties.

Eventually we got away from it all, with scars, of course, but with some good memories too. I like to think that the reason we did not become angry wounded adults was because of the good wonderful times of play time and fun times we often had as a family.  

I know that, the minute the games and the music and the trips to the dusty show ground ended, a vacuum was created in our home. Nature abhors a vacuum. So, something had to fill in that vacuum. It was something evil and cold. It was something that my parents did not choose, but allowed pride, ignorance and laxity make the choice for them. I am learning that marriage takes work, an intentional commitment to filling the vacuum.

And I am also learning that the "work" should not just be during the hard times but also during the happy times. Like when you are dating, or dancing and singing with your children.

***

Do you have feedback on this story? E-mail: [email protected]