Women are biologically created as sensual beings. We enjoy that procreative pastime more than we care to admit – or are allowed to by societal norms.
There is a myth that women have to be coaxed into the mood; that we do not enjoy this God-given, life-creating gift of sex. This misconception is passed down by married women to naive young brides during those overrated bridal showers.
“Give your husband as much of it as he wants. That is how to stay in his favour,” they whisper to the young brides. “Give him food and give him the sex, and he will not look elsewhere.”
Maybe it is a conspiracy and I missed the memo.
Apparently, a woman should use this most pleasurable and intimate activity as a bargaining chip with her husband. Some woman somewhere takes this advice to heart, and now uses it to manipulate her man.
The most ridiculous story I heard is about this wife who demands payment-by-cash every time she allows her husband into the warmth of her bed. I cannot even count how many things are wrong with that.
The sad thing is that she believes that she is doing him a favour, that she is giving and not receiving anything.
And some men hold the same belief. They talk of being given, or consuming, as if it is some candy that was sacrificially given out in measured pints.
It really is disempowering for a woman not to realise the pleasure of partaking vis-a-vis half-hearted giving away.
QUALITY SEX VS QUANTITY
Many memos are dished around about marriage. But allow me to announce here that women love and do enjoy sex, maybe even more than men do.
We love it as a full course meal and we love it as a snack. But – and this is where the game changes – we are wired for quality before quantity. Our bodies are particular in that regard.
We quickly lose interest if the quality is poor. And we quickly get hooked if the quality is superior. And another thing; with a woman, it is either use it or lose it.
If we go for weeks or months without it, we might as well forget it. But the more we have it, the more we crave it. It becomes a bit like miraa (khat). Yes, really. Quality is intoxicating and addictive.
But when it comes to men, it seems the opposite is true. Absence can make them desperate.
I am talking of the husband used to a regular dosage then for some reason, it goes missing for weeks or months. He becomes this unrecognisable brute of a man, short of behaving like a caged bull.
And then, strangely, the more of it he gets, the less he craves. He becomes like this spoilt brat that serves a plate full of food, nibbles at it, then leaves most of it untouched, to be disposed of. He forgets how starved he was, just a few days prior.
Take this couple that has faithfully been waiting for marriage before indulging. They are excited and apprehensive; the bride a tad anxious, the groom way too eager.
When they finally get together after the wedding, they indulge with abandon for the first 24 hours. They are like a new generator, fully charged and serviced.
The new wife, surprised that no one told her this ‘thing’ can be so pleasurable, gets hooked and follows her hubby like a little puppy. She is insatiable.
He on the other hand already feels spent and cannot imagine that this honeymoon will last another five days. He is like a generator out of fuel.
And that, folks, is how the mother of all fights starts. Oh, the young couple could blame the Mombasa heat, the pressures of the wedding, the adjustment…But when it comes down to it, the root cause of most of the fights in a marriage lies in sex, or the lack of it.
I do not know about the benefits of rationing, but I do know that the times we are closest is when we have it in abundance. Even the monstrous challenges seem manageable and difficult conversations are easier to broach.
Forget what they told you, partake of it and see how easy you will breeze through this wintry July.