I’m a marriage survivor. I’ve survived for a decade in the institution and learnt a few things which I would like to share today.
I’ve come to learn that marriage is as communal as it is private. There are some Kenyans who have made it their life goal to pair people.
You will be shocked (or not ) by the suggestions, innuendos and outright match-making by people in some social circles. Beware, my friend. Be yourself and make a deliberate choice.
If they choose for you, they will want to run your marriage. Be wary, confident and consult mainly your heart. Many marriages have failed because of overcrowding.
Although I concede that I need some need help in that department, it's more often than not a poisoned chalice.
NOT A RACE
Secondly, marriage is not a race to be won nor is it a competition.
Take it at your pace. It’s not a catwalk or a relay. It’s also not a marathon. You are not competing with your age-mates to see who will land the village belle.
So what if you are unmarried at 32?
Don’t live to outsmart your partner. You are not competing but complementing each other. Don’t be a nag but don’t be mat. Determine what you want. Go for it but within the certain constraints of the good institution.
It’s an unfortunate truth that women carry the burden of making a marriage successful. Biological, cultural and social factors dictate this. So as the good book says, do not be deceived. You will manage, direct, dictate and often be blamed for the good, the ugly and everything else in between. So have a big heart, firm you shoulders and move on!
In this sexualized and sensualised world, bedroom matters are somewhat an anti-climax. Boredom often sets in. In case of problems, you know we African men never share. Or say die. Or seek help.
But we find our own rhythm, set the pace and experiment. But please be mindful of each other’s needs. This is a small sentence which merits be repeating and emphasising. Be mindful of your partner’s needs.
I have also learnt that a good number of people are nursing injuries and pain which could have been avoided if they had courage to seek help or by just walking away.
Others are tied up in bad marriages simply because they want to create a certain perfect picture of an imaginary ideal family. Some think that to be angry or upset with your partner is to break the vows. It’s never that serious guys. It’s just life!
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