Choices about sexuality

“Come to church urgently, please, this is an emergency,” came the distress call. The phone number was unfamiliar, as was the voice on the line. The caller went ahead to give directions to the church.

“I would appreciate to be told what this is all about,” I said. “Can’t the sick person just be brought to hospital?” It was strange to be called to treat someone in church.

But the caller just would not listen. She talked on and on. The nearest I got to what the problem might be was when she talked of a woman bleeding and reporting that she had been seeing me for ante-natal care. I quickly jumped into the car and headed for the church, a collection of first aid equipment and drugs in the back seat.

The church was awash with expensively decorated vehicles and smartly dressed people. There was a wedding going on. I was quickly ushered into a private room and there was the bride, her dress half soaked in blood. She had pushed out a baby but had the afterbirth retained and was bleeding profusely. There was no time to talk; I quickly swung into action, positioning her and manually evacuating the afterbirth and administering emergency drugs to stop the bleeding.

“So sorry for this doctor, I just didn’t want to deliver before marrying,” apologised the bride. I recognised her as Mary, a lady I had seen for a while in the clinic. The first time I saw her and diagnosed her to be pregnant she broke down and cried. It was a surprise to her. She said her family would not understand how she could get pregnant outside marriage.

“After spending years serving as a youth leader in the church, people will never forgive me for being a bad example to others,” she had explained.

After a number of counseling sessions, she carried on with the pregnancy but arranged to have a wedding before the pregnancy grew too big.

“It took time to organise the wedding,” she explained after the bleeding was controlled.

“I thought I had a week to the date of delivery, little did I know that this baby would pop out just as we exchanged rings in front of the crowd.”

 Most of us are mistakes

Mary’s story speaks to a common occurrence in life: people do not plan their sex lives.

Things just happen and sometimes catastrophic consequences follow. There is a lot of fire fighting around sexuality. Today the emergency contraceptive pill is one of the most popular medications that pharmacies in town stock.

It has saved people the kind of embarrassment that Mary went through on her wedding day.

There is a popular joke that most of us are mistakes, that our mothers just accepted their fate and kept the pregnancy.

Many women, on the other hand, do not accept to live with these sexual accidents. They choose to abort. It is estimated that almost half a million women have abortions in Kenya each year.

Many of these abortions are unsafe, done in the backstreets by unqualified people and leading to severe illness and even death of the woman.

Other consequences of unplanned sex include sexually transmitted diseases including HIV infection. Unplanned sex also disrupts relationships and causes stress in varying proportions.

Unplanned sex may disrupt education, other relationships, investment, standing in society – Monica Lewinsky, anyone?

Having resolutions around your sexuality and keeping them is the best thing that you can do. The aim is not to stop having sex; no, that would be unnatural and even unconstitutional. We should enjoy the natural privileges that life offers, sex being one of them. The idea however is to avoid regrets after having such fun.

Resolutions should include the choice of person you would want to have sex with. Be sure that the choice of person(s) you have sex with is in conformity with your personal and religious values. Internal conflicts that come with having sex with the wrong person lead to anxiety and stress, which are uncalled for. One way to be sure that all is well with your choice is when you can happily introduce the person to your friends and relatives without shame.

The other important aspect of the resolution is the timing of sex. For some people like Mary, sex has to happen in marriage. For others, sex has nothing to do with marriage. Again the golden rule is that your actions conform to your personal and religious values.

Finally, consider sex to be part of your whole life plan. Remember that it can help you succeed or bring you down. The hope is that whatever you choose as your resolution enhances your standing in all spheres of life and brings you joy and fulfilment, for that is what sex was meant to do to mankind.