This is bad online behaviour

Apps and social media have encouraged a whole new set of bad dating behaviours, which we could well do without.

Like have you ever been “ghosted?” Your squeeze suddenly disappears from your life. Completely. With no warning. Almost as if they’d died. It can happen anytime. During the first few dates, or while you’re planning the wedding. Communication stops totally. Permanently.

Unless that is, you get “zombied”.

That’s when they suddenly reappear and send you a happy little text, just as you’re starting to get over the breakup. As if they’d never stopped messaging you in the first place.

Why would someone do a weird thing like that? Mostly it’s because messaging’s so easy. And low risk. Whereas if they phone you, you’d probably shout at them.

So, should you start again with a flake who’s trying to reconnect? Maybe. So long as they’re respectful, acknowledge how long it’s been, take responsibility for your hurt, and admit that they made a mistake.

Then there’s “benching”. That’s when someone’s still on the lookout in case someone better comes along. They send you lots of flirty texts, but space out actual dates so you never seem to be getting anywhere. See that sort of low commitment behaviour, and you’re a back-up. On the bench. Like a reserve at a football match.

BEING KIND

Or has someone suddenly stopped answering your messages, but they still go on liking your photos? Or retweeting your tweets? You’re being “orbited”. They might even think they’re being kind by letting you down gently.

Or perhaps an ex has slipped back onto your social media, only they never actually talk to you? They’re probably trying to keep their options open, so that if the dating scene suddenly slows, you’ll perhaps pick up the relationship again. Or maybe they’re just getting a cheap thrill from watching what you’re doing.

Then there’s when your ex texts you over Christmas. That’s called “Marleying”, after Ebenezer Scrooge’s business partner who’d been gone for years, only to reappear out of nowhere on Christmas Eve. Why did your ex do that? It’s because we all think back over our lives towards the end of the year. Including getting nostalgic about past relationships. Sometimes a Marleyer wants a hook-up. Sometimes they want to restart the relationship. Sometimes they just want to catch-up for old time’s sake.

Or maybe you’re talking to someone online. Even a few real-life dates. Things feel pretty good, they’ve started meeting your family and friends, and everyone’s getting along fine.

But you’ve never met a single person in their life. They post photos of you hanging out together. But don’t tag you in them. Why not? You’re being “stashed”. Like in a cupboard. By a commitment-phobe. And only taken out occasionally. 

Mostly, these bad behaviours have developed because there’s always another match just a swipe away. Which means individual relationships are valued less. And so dating’s got even harder…

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