Funny incidents to entertain my readers before we move to 1967

A few more funny incidents to entertain my readers and then we move to 1967, when another medical catastrophe hit us soon after our son Jan was born. I have obviously lost ‘sync’ because I have narrated Jan’s story in a previous.

First, my encounter with Sohansingh, the Sikh gentleman who had a thriving practice as a bonesetter. He was part of a parallel alternative medicine like homeopathy, herbal, Ayurvedic medicine and witchcraft, which flourished in the country at the time. Sohansingh got away with ordinary fractures of long bones, which he treated with application of oily, smelly bandages and massage.

TERRIBLE MESS

But he got in a terrible mess when it came to complicated fractures, which ended with non-union or malunion, and his patients came to see me to put them right. I met him at a Sikh wedding and took the opportunity of saying so to him. “Your management of ordinary simple fractures is all right but when it comes to complicated and difficult fractures, it is better to send them to me because they end up with me anyway.”

Taking a large gulp of whiskey from a glass with traditional Singh measure of whiskey, he replied amiably. “You might not know it but many of your complications end up with me!”

Next is what I told an Arab lady, which made her blush crimson with embarrassment after she lost her cancer-ridden breast to me. When I discharged her after a successful surgery, with heavy emotional voice, she blessed me in an Arab style and said. “I pray to Allah that you have seven sons.” This prayer was devised on the basis that my seven sons would carry my legacy and look after me in my old age.

She thought that she left out Sister Kariuki, a stunningly beautiful staff-nurse recently promoted to the position of sister-in-charge of surgical ward from her blessings, turned to her and repeated the same thing. Population control campaign was at its height at the time, so I gave a timely reply and said.

”To avert a population explosion, I am sure you won’t mind if I have seven children with Sister Kariuki! It would be more fun if we had it together!”

OBESE

Then the story of an obese Shah lady who needed removal of her gall bladder, which was filled with stones. I did not fancy wading through a large layer of fat, so I gave her a diet sheet to reduce her weight and scheduled to see her after a month. When I saw her again, she looked heavier to me and Sister confirmed it. “She has put on five pounds since we saw her last.” She informed me after putting her on the scale.

I gently reproached the lady and she replied in her defence. “I have stuck to your diet sheet and religiously took the items written there after my usual food!”

I didn’t waste further time on the diet sheet and went through eight inches of abdominal fat before visualising her gallbladder with the help of metal retractors and two muscular assistants.

I had to deliver many speeches as Rotary governor and found my cue when the club president introduced me as a ‘breast specialist’. At the beginning of my speech, I said: “As a breast surgeon, I am in an enviable position of undressing a woman to examine her breast and send a fee-note to her husband for doing it!”

Finally, because of my surgical commitments, I could not go out of Nairobi as often as I would have liked so Marie would have to travel with the children on her own. Once when she was away, I put a notice in all four private hospitals in Nairobi which said — ‘Wanted a live-in locum while wife is away for two weeks. Remuneration negotiable. If interested, please apply. Confidential interview if application successful.’

I did not expect any response but received one from the Nun’s Hospital. After a week, my notice disappeared from the notice board and in its place another was pasted which stated: ‘Stray grazing strictly forbidden on Virgin Mary’s turf.’

RUMOUR

After Kenya was granted uhuru on December 12, 1963, a rumour was circulating in the diplomatic circle in Nairobi that before presenting the Articles of Independence, Prince Philip, who represented the Queen, asked Mzee Jomo Kenyatta. “Mr Prime-minister, are you sure you want to go through with this?”

I can’t vouch for this because although I was present at the celebrations, I was nowhere near where this question was allegedly posed but knowing of Prince’s ebullience and sense of humour, I can believe that it was true. It reminds of another similar incident where Malcolm MacDonald, the last Governor of Kenya, paid glowing tributes to Mzee Kenyatta. I believe that the happy relationship between these two great men was one reason why Kenya’s independence was speedily achieved.

It happened at a farewell party organised at Sir Eboo’s house to say kwaheri to the departing Governor. In his farewell speech, MacDonald talked of the species of governors in danger of early and total extinction. He added: “Nobody will shed tears at this extinction as would happen if the lion or elephant became extinct!” He then paid great compliments to Mzee and his leadership.

GREAT INTEREST

Mzee, who arrived late, was standing next to me, listening to the speech with great interest. MacDonald received a big, well deserved ovation.

The Governor walked from the podium to where Mzee was standing and said to him. “I didn’t know that you were here. If I had known, I would not have embarrassed you by saying such nice things about you!”

I heard those words because I was standing between Mzee and MacDonald. I am sure the Governor knew that Mzee had arrived, and he uttered those kind words precisely because he wanted him to hear them!

To do it justice, my son’s sad story needs a full column, so I will just say he was born on December 15, 1967, and narrate it in the next column.