Getting back after break-up

You’ll both need to let go of anger and pain and be willing to change, forgive, and rebuild trust. ILLUSTRATION| IGAH

What you need to know:

  • There’s a risk in being completely honest - perhaps for the very first time. But really, you’ve got nothing to lose, so try.
  • Because it’s not worth being in a relationship where you can’t be completely open with one another.

When couples separate, that doesn’t have to mean the end of their relationship. But even though most people say they’d like to get back together after a break up, only around 10 per cent do.

So if you’d like to try again, what would make you more successful?

It helps to listen to people who’ve been through a breakup and successfully reunited. They’ll help you get a better perspective on your issues, and encourage you to be more optimistic. Because almost certainly they’ll say how much happier they are, now that they’ve worked on their issues.

Talking about your problems still won’t be easy, of course, and you’ll need to work really hard to fix them. And you definitely won’t succeed if the attempt is one sided. So both of you need to make a commitment to work together. Promise each other that you’ll be completely honest with one another, and will both put in the effort needed to make your relationship successful again. That means meeting often and learning how to talk together constructively about difficult subjects.

There’s a risk in being completely honest - perhaps for the very first time. But really, you’ve got nothing to lose, so try. Because it’s not worth being in a relationship where you can’t be completely open with one another.

Agree early on that you’ll take your time rebuilding your relationship, so that your problems are properly explored and resolved. Both of you will need time alone to think about how your own faults contributed to the breakup, and how you’re going to put them right. And to figure out what needs to be changed as you get back together.

Because your relationship can’t go back to what it was before the break up. In effect you have to start over. With a different set of expectations and rules. So be open about your needs, and all the changes you want. Then you can decide whether you can realistically build a new life together.

You’ll need to talk about the past. Avoid blaming each other, and accept that you both made mistakes. Make sure you also talk about good things you’ve done together, and the things about each other that you admire. Probably you’ve also said things in anger to one another that have caused immense hurt. So sincerely say sorry to each other for whatever happened, and look for ways for both of you to do better in future. You’ll both need to let go of anger and pain. And to be willing to change, forgive, and rebuild trust.

So acknowledge every step your partner takes in the right direction. Encourage each other to show your real emotions, and to talk about your real feelings. And if any of that seems just far too difficult, consider getting help from a counsellor. Because you’ll definitely find it easier to talk openly together, when you’re with someone who accepts you just the way that you are.