HART: Grow emotional intelligence

You’ve heard of IQ. It’s all about solving problems. And everyone assumes it’s all you need to be successful. But that’s not true. What really sets successful people apart is their emotional intelligence (EQ).
Because that’s what guides your behaviour, social life, and personal decisions. But it can be patchy, so it’s difficult to know where your EQ needs improving. You might have good empathy, for example, but have difficulty controlling your emotions. So it’s important to pinpoint areas where your emotional intelligence is weak.
For example, perhaps you’re great overall, but recover slowly from setbacks. Or miss other people’s signals. Or often get angry or negative. Take offence easily, and fight back when criticised. Make assumptions too quickly and defend them too strongly. Rarely admit you’re wrong. Tend to blame others. Can’t see your way out of difficult situations. Get stressed easily. Get into bad moods and don’t know why. Or say things in the heat of the moment that you later regret. Perhaps you hold grudges. Or can’t let go of mistakes. Or have difficulty asserting yourself.
If you tend to do any of those things, the way forward’s to improve your understanding and control of your emotions. For example, perhaps you can’t pinpoint the difference between feeling “anxious”, “irritable”, or “frustrated”. The more specific you can be, the better you’ll understand exactly how you’re feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it.

'ALWAYS GOES WRONG'
So think about your moods, and try to figure out what triggered each one. Work on your ability to recognise and challenge unhelpful thoughts. Like “always” thinking: “this always goes wrong”, “no-one likes me”. Avoid focusing on the worst possible outcome or blaming other people for your problems. Learn to recognise what triggers your negative thoughts, and head them off before they arise.
Work on being assertive and expressing difficult emotions. Because you need to let people know where you stand. Learn how to disagree, how to say no, and to set your own priorities. Avoid starting sentences with a judgment, such as “you need to…”. That just make people less likely to listen.
Learn to interpret your partner’s emotions better, and don’t assume that you know what they’re thinking. Be aware of the way men and women follow different conversational rules, and make a habit of saying what you want, even if you’ve been together for years.
Develop your ability to read social situations by avoiding snap judgments, and instead, coming up with both positive and negative explanations for situations you don’t understand. For example, don’t just assume you’re being ignored when a friend doesn’t return your call. Maybe they’re busy.
Be interested in everyone you meet. Really listen. Ask questions. Follow up. Because almost everything you ever achieve will be the result of the people you meet.
In fact never miss any opportunity to build your EQ skills. Because even just thinking about them will improve your career and relationships.

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