WOMAN TO WOMAN: I love to put a smile on the faces of grieving mothers

Wanjiru Kihusa is the founder of Still A Mum, a group which supports women dealing with miscarriages, stillbirth and infant loss. PHOTO| COURTESY

Wanjiru Kihusa is the founder of Still A Mum, a group which supports women dealing with miscarriages, stillbirth and infant loss.

 

Q: Tell us about yourself

I am a wife and mother and the founder of Still A Mum.

Why are you so passionate about mother and child issues?

I have lost two babies and it made me aware of the maternal health situation in Kenya and in Africa. I have come to appreciate that I am a woman first and being a wife and mother are roles that have been added to me. These roles don’t happen to everyone easily and we need to be more supportive.

Tell us about Still A Mum?

Still A Mum started from the #StillAMum campaign on social media. This is a way to create awareness to the public that when a mum loses a baby through a miscarriage that grief is legitimate.

Even if you had not seen the baby, there’s a father and mother who were eager to meet their child and so when their baby dies we should not belittle that loss.

Tell us about your experience?

I lost my first born at 20 weeks in November 2013 and lost our second baby in March 2014 at seven weeks. Child loss is the most devastating thing I have ever gone through. It really is not something you overcome. You heal but it stays with you forever.

How did it affect you?

Death of any kind changes you. For me, it’s like my eyes were opened. I became more aware of the child loss cases that were all around me. I noticed couples struggling to conceive and realised that having a child is out of our control. I struggled with my faith which was important because now my faith in God is stronger.

It took me long but I finally realised that motherhood is not equal to womanhood. Even if I never have children I am still woman enough.

What good has come out of your pain?

For starters my faith was strengthened. And Still A Mum was born. Through it, we have supported more than 200 women. I have watched women who could not tell their story without breaking down during the first support group laugh and crack jokes. I don’t think there’s anything more fulfilling than helping someone smile again.

Why should women talk about their miscarriage experience?

To begin with, it makes other women who’ve had a miscarriage feel normal. Secondly we need to keep talking about it to create awareness. There are many people who believe a woman who loses a baby has been cursed. Others are convinced she had an abortion. Others believe their son now needs a new wife because this one “can’t give us children”. When people have correct information they are able to support these women.

How can we support women who are dealing with this loss?

Rule number one of friendship is showing up. Many people say they stay away because they don’t know what to say. Who said you have to say anything? Just show up. You could make lunch. Or visit and watch the game with the dad. Or take her for ice cream. Point is, be there. I say friendship is expensive and we need to pay the price. This means being there for your friend even when you are uncomfortable. Actually, avoid talking about too much about the loss.

What’s your typical day like?

Still A Mum is what I do full time which means I start the day reading and responding to emails. We run physical and WhatsApp support groups so I usually allocate women to groups and coordinate with our head counsellor on running them.

What keeps you going?

God’s grace.  Also the realisation that every day I wake up is a gift and an opportunity to enjoy life.

What’s your favourite meal?

Ugali, liver and spinach. My husband cooks the liver and it is great.

Challenges you encounter?

We need funding. We have more and more women and men coming to us for help and I need more people to work with and resources are very little. I would love it if we could get an office and be able to pay a counsellor full time.

Highlight some of your successes.

Having Still A Mum nominated for the 2016 BAKE Awards. Partnering with  Safaricom for their Safaricom Mother’s Day event in May. Training over 50 men and women in Meru on bereavement support.

What do you enjoy about your work?

 I meet women at their most broken and to walk with them until they start to laugh makes me so happy!

What three things do you like doing?

Reading a good book, watching a good series and travelling with my husband – he is very good company. If we had a bottomless pit of money we would go everywhere.

What mantra do you live by?

Nothing great was ever been achieved by being realistic.

What next for Wanjiru?

I hope to build Still A Mum until it no longer needs me. When that happens, I will feel very accomplished.