MWALIMU ANDREW: Lifestyle audit for me? - Daily Nation

Lifestyle audit for me?

Sunday June 24 2018

The very moment Dre decided to charge villagers in order to watch World Cup in his house, his enemies declared war against him. ILLUSTRATION| JOHN NYAGAH

The very moment Dre decided to charge villagers in order to watch World Cup in his house, his enemies declared war against him. ILLUSTRATION| JOHN NYAGAH 

By MWALIMU ANDREW
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When I set up a Moscow Mega Stadium at my palatial house in Mwisho wa Lami, some enemies of development laughed at me, saying I would not go far.

That Mwisho wa Lami people would not watch football, and those who would watch would not pay anyway.

“World Cup is being aired on many stations for free, why does Dre want to steal from poor people,” Posed Lutta, according to a source. Lutta is one of the meanest fellows you will ever meet, who doesn’t believe in paying for anything. He bargains for anything.

The competition between Lutta and I started a long time ago. He started teaching over 10 years before I joined the Teachers Service Commission, and has never believed that I have overtaken him in virtually everything in life – I am a deputy, I am pursuing a degree, I have a wife who completed a P1 course and I have a big house than him. Furthermore, I own a boda boda leased out to Nyayo, I have a new car, and my prospects of becoming a HM are much better than Lutta even moving up a grade!

So I was not surprised to hear he was leading the campaign against me. He went ahead to invite people to his house to watch soccer for free! But his house was small and his TV was much smaller compared to mine. He, however, managed to get a few people on the first and second days.

GAME CHANGER

But the Portugal-Spain match – one of the most awaited games, was the game changer. People went to Lutta’s house to watch for free and were shocked to find that the match was not showing.

 The nearest other place they could watch the game was in my house. I took full advantage and charged Sh30 per person, and my house was full! “This TV is so clear and the game is live live,” said Nyayo, who had been at Lutta’s for earlier matches. “You can even touch the player.”

“Huyu ni Ronaldo mwenyewe,” said one of the boys. “I used to think he was small, he is very tall.” The other thing that made people like my place was that they were allowed to celebrate and make all manner of noises as they watched the match.

“Kwa Lutta you can’t even celebrate a goal,” said Alphayo. “Ni kama jela. Hata kama ni bure mimi sirudi.”

I did something else. I had some Churchill Live videos that I played during half time. The patrons really like it so much that when the second half started, there were a few people who asked that we continue showing a comedian, who was making everyone laugh. “Hapa ni stadium kweli,” said Alphayo when he left my place after the game later that night. Last weekend, a few people watched the games at Lutta’s, but when his TV didn’t show the Brazil-Switzerland match, they all came to my house. And they never went back to his place, except for Rasto. But Rasto only watches football because other people are watching. After a match, don’t be surprised if he asks you which team was playing!

By the start of last week, the whole of Mwisho wa Lami knew that if you wanted to watch football, my house was the place to be. But enemies of development led by Lutta were keen to cripple me and my plans.

It all started last week on Tuesday night when Kizito’s house was broken into. The next morning when his father went to report to the chief, Lutta also went and told the chief that he too had been attacked by some thieves who wanted to steal from him.

FOR SECURITY

“These were young men who were from Dre’s home,” he said. “Dre is causing crime in this place and must be stopped from showing football at night.”

The chief came to my place and told me to stop showing matches at night. “Please for our security, be showing the matches in the morning only, not at night.”

I told him that the matches normally start in the afternoon, and the critical ones show at night. On Tuesday, I invited him to watch matches at my place, for free. He really enjoyed himself, and I gave him Sh100 when he was leaving. The chief crossed to my side and even said he did not see any thief at my place — just young football enthusiasts who kept him laughing the whole evening.

Not sure how to deal with me, Lutta thought of another plan of bringing me down. As I have been very busy in the evenings receiving money and showing games, I have not been at Hitler’s for a long time. But last Thursday, I decided to pass by, leaving Nyayo in charge of Moscow Stadium. In any case I had quite a lot of money that I needed to reduce it to a manageable level.

It was while at Hitler’s that I came to learn that Lutta had written to TSC asking that I be subjected to a lifestyle audit. Sapphire had apparently seen the letter and seemed to agree with its contents. So was Kuya.

“Dre, the things Lutta is asking are actually right,” he said. “What has he asked? I posed. “He wanted you to explain where you got all your properties from, yet we know that teachers are paid peanuts,” said Sapphire. “The gigantic house, a car, plus we know the motorcycle that Nyayo uses is yours,” said Kuya. “Remember we know you also own the posho mill, and have some shares in Kasuku Hotel,” added Saphire.

 I didn’t own the posho mill, nor did I have any interest in Kasuku Hotel. “In between, you got money to educate your wife at Mosoriot and at the same time you are paying fees at Kenyatta University.”

Hitler also mentioned that he wanted to know where I got money to buy a big TV that had lead him to lose customers in the evenings. “Yet we all know what teachers earn, you can’t do all that with that money,” said Saphire.

“Ni kujipanga my friend,” I said. Sitegemei mshahara pekee yake.” I told them how the boda boda brings me cash daily, and how tress gave me lots of money. “And God loves me because I am a good Christian,” I added. “Sapphire you don’t even go to church... how do you expect to get rich?”

They laughed and said that after the lifestyle audit, I would get caught and be punished. “Utajua haujui,” said Sapphire.

I must make it clear that I am ready to be investigated as I am clean. Once the results are out, my envious colleagues will know they don’t know!