Social blunders that can make you butt of all jokes

The first garden wedding I attended was somewhere along Nairobi’s Ngong Road. The grounds were breathtaking – perfectly manicured lawn, neatly trimmed hedges and flowers of every kind in vivid colours.

A former high school classmate was getting married, and since it was a reunion of sorts (a couple of other girls I had gone to high school with had been invited as well) I was dressed to impress. I had made one mistake though, a mistake I will never repeat again. I had worn stilettos.

Now, there is nothing wrong with stilettos – I have heard it said often that they make your legs look longer than they actually are, make your legs look slimmer, etc, etc. However, in spite of all this magical transformation these shoes are said to wield, they were certainly not made for garden weddings. Here is why. One step onto the manicured lawn and I found myself helplessly sinking into the earth.

Apparently, it had rained the day before, and the ground beneath the carpet of grass was pliant enough for my stilettos to cut through. You should have seen me, unceremoniously sinking with each step I took and then struggling to pluck my shoes off the ground. After a couple of steps and the realisation that I was attracting a mixture of amused and sympathetic stares, I removed the shoes, and with ill-concealed embarrassment, made my way to the nearest tent, which was about 100 metres away.

Moral of the lesson? Unless you want a video of you circulating on a dozen WhatsApp groups, a video that shows you clumsily trying to make your way across a soggy field with shoes that keep disappearing into the ground, please, give those stilettos a wide berth should you get invited to a garden wedding.

TISSUE TRAIL

Enough about me. I once saw a woman’s dress get blown over her head, thanks to a sudden evil blast of wind. By the time she managed to pull the garment down, we had been treated to an eyeful of those lycra pants that women sometimes wear to hold their wobbly bits together. To make matters worse, the garment was an unflattering light green.

Moral of the story? Never wear a dress with a wide skirt to any outdoor do, and if you do, invest in glamorous underwear, in case a merciless gust of wind decides to show up for the party.

Scenario three: You visit the washroom, and since you take heed of the advice in those Dettol adverts, you wash your hands after finishing the deed, and then walk out, feeling lighter and at peace with the world. Unbeknown to you, there is tissue sticking out of your backside, though your backside is mercifully covered. Moral of this anecdote: It is not enough to countercheck that your zip is up after visiting the loo, ensure that there is no tissue trailing behind you as well.

Scenario four: You just got paid, so you and your workmates decide to eat some real fish at Ranalo Foods, where former prime minister, Raila Odinga and Gatundu South MP Moses Kuria recently shared a meal. When you get to the counter, you decide to have a saucer of osuga as well, to complement the fish and ugali.

After your heavy, belch-inducing meal, you go back to the office, where you are due for a meeting in 10 minutes. You had prepared for your presentation well, and walk into the boardroom feeling very confident. A minute into your presentation however, you begin to wonder why your colleagues, including the MD, are staring at your mouth, instead of making eye contact. After the meeting, one of your colleagues asks with a small laugh, “Kwani there were no toothpicks where you had lunch?”

Unbeknown to you then, some osuga got stuck on both your upper and lower teeth. Imagine how starkly dark green stands out against a white background. Moral of this plausible incident? After a meal, especially one consisting of green vegetables, check your teeth – some of these small things can be really embarrassing.

Have a drama-free Sunday.