Talking across gender lines
Women’s conversations are usually complex, and revolve around emotions and relationships. While male conversations are more direct, and all about independence, and not being pushed around. ILLUSTRATION| IGAH
What you need to know:
- You hate how your man goes quiet. But men have learned to keep their thoughts to themselves and to think through problems.
- Women want to talk them out.
- Men show their deepest feelings through sex. But you need to feel close before you can be aroused.
- So, after an argument, he wants to have sex to say sorry. But you think, “How could he! Just after a row!”
Women’s conversations are usually complex, and revolve around emotions and relationships. While male conversations are more direct, and all about independence, and not being pushed around.
So you and your husband will often see the same situation very differently. Causing endless misunderstandings...
Like you’ll probably be annoyed if he invites a friend home without asking you first. Because you believe your lives are linked together. But your husband thinks that having to ask you first tells his friend that he’s a wuss.
Or if you’re moaning about the traffic, your husband suggesting a new route isn’t what you want to hear. He’s focused on solving the problem, whereas you really want to talk about how the jam made you feel.
You hate how your man goes quiet. But men have learned to keep their thoughts to themselves and to think through problems. Women want to talk them out.
Men show their deepest feelings through sex. But you need to feel close before you can be aroused. So, after an argument, he wants to have sex to say sorry. But you think, “How could he! Just after a row!”
You’ll be annoyed if he says “No!” when you ask: “Would you like to go out tonight?” So he wonders why you didn’t just say what you wanted. But women often express orders as suggestions. To a man that’s just confusing.
STARTS IN THE SCHOOLYARD
All this starts in the schoolyard. Girls learn not to put themselves forward, or no one will play with them. Boys learn to boast, push each other around, and worry about how they look to others. And that has consequences at work. Because your conversational style affects how you’re judged by your workmates.
So you’re just being friendly when you ask, “Can you do me a favour...” But your boss thinks you lack authority. When you ask lots of questions, he thinks you’re badly informed. While men phrase their queries so they look managerial.
If someone leaves something on your desk, you’ll say, “Oh, I’m sorry, here it is.” You know it’s not your fault they forgot their stuff, you’re just being nice. But that can make you seem a wimp to a man. Women often say “we” because “I” sounds too boastful. Whereas men often say “we” about work done by their group, even when they weren’t personally involved! They’re not actually lying, but they end up getting credit for something they didn’t really do.
A typical male “power speech” pattern is clipped, low and unsmiling. While the female pattern is higher pitched, polite and smiling. But managers don’t take that style nearly so seriously. Being feminine is absolutely fine, of course. But also be sure to set boundaries, state your case firmly, and don’t let men interrupt.
Because there’s nothing wrong with either of the styles. You just need to understand how they work, and choose the approach that best fits a particular situation — whether you’re in the office or at home.
