To marry or not to marry an older woman

The grandson of Queen Elizabeth II, Prince Henry Charles Albert David (Harry) and his erstwhile fiancée Meghan Markle are now man and wife after yesterday’s glamorous wedding.

But there is the small matter of their ages — he is 33; she is 36. London-based publication Daily Express reports that Meghan is the oldest royal bride in British history.

Will the marriage end with a tale like one told in a divorce case at a Nairobi court?

It was a case of a man who sued in 2013 seeking to divorce a woman with whom they had wed in May 2009.

One of the claims the man raised was that his wife, who was older, was “taking advantage of the age difference between them to treat him like a child yet they were equal partners in the marriage”, as captured in Justice Margaret Muigai’s judgment of April 30, 2015.

After listening to the wife’s defence, the judge concluded that the man had not proven those claims but in the end she ordered that the marriage be dissolved.

“It is evident that between them there is no longer a marriage to speak of,” Justice Muigai said.

The age difference in the newest royal couple has been a subject of discussion since November 2017 when their engagement was announced.

Daily Express sought the opinion of James Preece, a dating coach and relationship expert, who said the gap was unusual for a royal marriage.

Mr Preece reasoned that what spells trouble for such lopsided unions is that the man may not have had as “interesting” a life as the woman, and so he might not be ready to settle down.

He went ahead to predict, however, that the age variation in the royal couple would not affect their relationship.

“As a Prince, Harry has lived a more exciting and interesting life than most. He has learnt exactly what he wants in life and is more than ready to commit to Meghan,” reasoned Mr Preece.

Across the Atlantic Ocean on the other side of Europe, French President Emmanuel Macron, 40, has his 65-year-old former teacher Brigitte Macron for a wife.

WAMBUI AND MBUGUA

But that cannot hold a candle to the Kenyan couple Wambui Otieno and Peter Mbugua, who tied the knot in 2003 when the wife was 67, a whole 42-year difference with the younger husband. She died in August 2011.

There was also the ridiculous marriage of a 53-year-old woman to a 27-year-old man in Kakamega County in 2014, which came out of a debt settlement deal.

Elsewhere on the globe, there is 41-year-old musician Shakira who is married to footballer Gerard Piqué, with a 10-year difference between them.

Tina Turner, another singer, has since 2013 been married to Erwin Bach. She was 73 when they wedded and he was 58.

Speaking of singers, local gospel sensation Kelvin Bahati is married to Diana Marua, who is five years older than him. Not to forget mellow-voiced Bongo artiste Diamond (Naseeb Abdul Juma) who was until recently married to Zari Hassan, who is nine years his senior.

Kenyans who were contacted by Lifestyle for their opinion on the soundness of marriages where the woman is older had mixed reactions.

Nairobi West resident Anthony Mwangi said marrying an older woman is a practice only suitable for whites “who must be crazy”.

“Their traditions are different from ours. When you marry an older woman, she gets old faster. This is the woman you want to work in the farm and do business. But for the whites, they don’t engage in such tough jobs,” said the 40-year-old.

Dr Hadija Murenga, a sociologist at Egerton University’s Faculty of Arts and Social Sciences, said age should not be an issue if two people are in love.

“If the two think they can live with each other, I don’t think an age gap of three years should be bad. But it will have to do with how sincere they are with each other,” she said, referring to the three-year difference between Prince Harry and his wife.

She, however, noted that society is still rigid on age.

READY TO SETTLE DOWN

“Traditionally, women would look for an older man because he would be ready for marriage, he has some properties to his name, he’s gone through initiation — you know, the usual traditional stuff. Society looks at him as somebody who is ready to settle down with a wife,” said Dr Murenga.

Over the years, scientists have been researching on the dynamics of age differences in marriages. And their conclusions are interesting.

In 2010, a scientist released findings from studying records of two million Danish couples, and the results were that a woman is likely to die early if she marries a younger man.

The study was conducted by Sven Drefahl at the Max Planck Institute for Demographic Research in Rosktock, Germany, and was published in the Demography journal. Its overarching finding was that it is better to marry someone your age.

“A man who is between seven and nine years older than his wife has an 11 per cent lower mortality rate than a man whose wife is the same age as him,” reported London’s The Guardian after going through the report.

“However, a woman who is between seven and nine years older than her husband has a 20 per cent greater mortality rate than if she were with a man the same age,” it added.

Dr Murenga said there was sense in the inference that a woman will live longer if she marries a man who is nearly her age mate.

“You want to enjoy your life together. And again, you are likely to get attracted to people you went to school with, people in the same college. So, you’re likely to marry somebody within your age bracket or thereabouts,” she said.

She went on: “A few women, then, would be targeting slightly older men; but these older men are likely to have been taken away also by the girls their age.”

'MORE STRESS'

From the 2010 study, Guardian asked Mr Drefahl, the researcher, to explain why women with much younger husbands were bound to die younger.

He said the probable reason is that they experience more stress.

“While the study shows that women, on average, die younger if there is a large age gap in their relationship, married men and women both tend to live longer than unmarried individuals,” said the publication.

But Dr Murenga, who has a PhD in sociology, disagreed with the inference that a woman marrying a younger man will shorten her lifespan.

“The reverse has been found to be true. An older woman will have to look and even act and appear a bit younger than what her actual age could be. That is not scientific but it has been argued so,” she said.

Another study published in 2015 said men should marry women who are cleverer and younger than them if they want the relationship to last.

As reported by UK’s Telegraph, the findings were as a result of scientists tracking 1,000 couples who were either married or in serious relationships over five years. Their focus was on the secrets of those that stuck together.

The study, published in the European Journal of Operational Research, said that when couples consider objective factors like age, education and cultural origin, they are likely to stay together for longer.

Dr Murenga said a focus on such factors will keep the bond strong when love, or whatever it is people say they feel for one another, fades away.

“Love, we are told, wears off with time. You realise that in courtship you don’t get to learn the other person so well — about their traits, their likes and dislikes, behaviour and all that. But when you get married, the true picture of the other person begins to unravel.

“Would you still be interested knowing that this person is, maybe, older? And for the women, would you still put up with some of these traits that may come up later, knowing that the guy is younger? Or would you start treating him differently and undermining him because he is younger, or even mistreating him?” she posed.

One of the leading global advocates for men marrying older women is American journalist and life coach Marty Nemko, an author of 10 books including How to Do Life: What They Didn’t Teach You in School.

In a 2016 article in Psychology Today magazine, Dr Nemko — whose wife is five years older — raised several advantages a man gets when he marries an older woman.

One of them, he said, was that the couple can grow old together.

“Women live five years longer than men … So, on average, a man choosing a woman five years older is marrying his physiological equal,” he stated.

“The typical 65-year-old man has at least one significant health issue. If he’s married to a 60-year-old woman, he’s married to someone who, on average, is physiologically 10 years younger and thus likely healthier and more vigorous, physically and mentally,” he added.

Dr Nemko, in building his case further, picked a point popularised in the 1953 book Sexual Behaviour in the Human Female by staff of the Institute for Sex Research at Indiana University.

The four researchers behind the book said men’s sexual hormones peak at 18 while those of women are at their highest when they are in their early 30s.

Therefore, argued Dr Nemko, there is more sexual compatibility in a couple where the man is younger.

“A man increases his chances of sexual compatibility by marrying an older woman,” he argued.

Dr Nemko also said a union where the woman is older is likely to experience more stability in terms of raising children.

“Parenting is far more difficult and stressful than many people realise. It requires great maturity,” he argued. “A 30-something [woman] is more likely to have that maturity than is a 20-something.”

Away from Dr Nemko, Kenyans have recently been asking relationship experts for advice on how to handle marriages where the women are older, and the responses have almost always been unequivocal.

For instance Daily Nation’s “agony uncle” Philip Kitoto, a relationship counsellor who is also a senior pastor at the International Christian Centre, was earlier this month asked for his advice on what is the ideal age difference between couples.

One reader wanted to know if an eight-year age difference with his girlfriend was too big.

“The disclosure about age is not an end in itself. Each spouse must ask basic questions such as: Would I still be proud of my spouse when they are 60 and I am 68? Or when they are 70 and I am 80,” replied Rev Kitoto.

“There is really no ideal age difference in marriage. Many men are getting married at an older age and such men are choosing spouses from a wide range of age groups,” he added.

Dr Murenga, while commenting on the ideal age gap, told Lifestyle that a difference of up to five years is fine.

“A lot of people have said that is not bad, so long as the woman has to keep herself well — taking care of herself, watching weight and all that — so that she doesn’t look like she is too old,” she reasoned.

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Does age difference matter in marriage?

Moses Omuse, 38, resident of Lang’ata, Nairobi: “Marrying a woman who is older is good because even if she is older, you won’t experience much trouble. She will have seen it all. The society may want to oppose that but I won’t take their directions because that is my choice. Personally, I’m married to a woman who is two years older than me and we are now in our 19th year with seven children. We wedded in the Catholic Church without hitches and our union has been sailing smoothly.”

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Edgar Munganda, 42, motorcyclist in Nairobi who lives in Mathare:

“Love comes first. If you are in love with each other, age doesn’t matter. But there is a difference that is extreme, like the case of Peter Mbugua and Wambui Otieno. The man was young enough to be her grandson. Such a difference is crazy. But if you differ by three or two years, that shouldn’t bother you. The notion about a woman ageing faster is really about how you maintain her. If you leave her just like that, she will definitely age fast. I believe the ideal age difference should be six years. I’m older than my wife by seven years and we’ve been together for 16 years.”

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Charity Achieng, 25, resident of Kasarani, Nairobi:

“I don’t see a problem with a man marrying an elder woman. But personally, I cannot marry a younger man. I believe that a man should be the head of the house. Thus, I’ll look like the boss of that home and I don’t think that is appropriate. Like if I married a 20-year-old, we won’t be on the same wavelength. It can work with an elder person. There is that concept of the head and the neck. The woman should be lower.”