MEN&WOMEN: When divorce happens, offer children normalcy

If you’ve been stuck in a bad marriage for a while, getting divorced can feel like a release.

And yet, no matter how civilised you try to be, divorce is complicated, hard and sad, especially when you have children. So truly, if you can stick together, do.

Because if you do part, you’ll almost certainly feel angry and bitter. For several years.

You’ll never feel like a ‘normal’ family again. Even if you re-marry and do a great job of blending the old and the new. Friends and family members will take sides, forever. And even years later, people will still look at you differently. Always wondering what went wrong.

When you wake up in the middle of the night, one of the first thoughts to run through your head will be, ‘Are my kids here tonight?’ Encourage your children to feel they have a home with both of you, regardless of how much time is spent in either house.

Best of all, have what they need in both houses so they don’t have to carry their stuff to and fro. Don’t treat them like guests, include them in all the usual chores, and keep their routine as much the same as possible. Children feel happier when they know what to expect.

CONSISTENCY

Talk with your children regularly, and give them love, attention — and discipline. Children feel more secure with consistent rules, and when they know that the adults are in charge.

Inevitably you will miss some of your kids’ lives. And having an equal say in parenting issues will be harder. That’s deeply frustrating, so keep birthdays, holidays and anything else that’s important to your children special — and avoid competing over who’ll make them the most exciting, or buy the best presents. And communicate really well with your ex about things like school events and so on.

Because you’ll still see a lot of each other after the papers are signed. In fact, that’s just the beginning of a lifetime of shared graduations, birthdays, weddings, and grandchildren. So try to put your differences aside and be a stable, positive influence in your children’s lives.

Though no matter how hard you try, there’ll still be frequent issues between you. Especially over money. Even if you have plenty. So do not, under any circumstances, bad-mouth your ex to your kids. It’s really hard not to ‘give your side of the story,’ but don’t.

Help your children to reach your ex whenever they need to. And to maintain contact with other family members on both sides. It’s all very hard work, but when your children feel that things are going to be okay, they’ll do just fine. And go on to lead happy and successful lives.

So that eventually, you’ll find yourself telling your friends about divorce’s fringe benefits! Casual dating, long childless holidays, lazy weekends. But deep down, you’ll always be sad about being apart from your children. Except while they’re teenagers.

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