When your ‘happily ever after’ crumbles before your eyes

It is perhaps every girl’s dream to have a fairy-tale wedding with her knight in shining armour when she comes of age.

Last weekend, this dream nearly came true for Joyce Wanjiru on the day she hoped to start living happily ever after with the love of her life, Paul Waithaka.

However, in what has dominated the news throughout the week, their dream wedding went up in smoke when Apostle Jesse Karanja of the Mizpah House of Prayer, who was to preside over the wedding, declined to take part, citing unfulfilled requirements like medical tests.

The couple’s story adds to the incidents of weddings that have gone wrong on D-Day, despite months of planning. From grooms who got too drunk to take vows to insolent in-laws and disruptive “spoilers” claiming to be abandoned spouses, Murphy’s Law has caught up with many weddings across the world.

CANCELLED WEDDINGS

For instance, there is a Nigerian couple that had to call off a wedding scheduled to take place in Ibadan last Saturday because the bride’s father suddenly changed his mind.

The Nigerian Tribune reports that the father insisted that no marriage would take place in his house and that he would not be party to the union.

Then there is a woman in India who cancelled the event on wedding day in 2011 because it was not only an arranged marriage, but she had also dug up information about her prospective husband. The man had apparently lied about his position at a company he worked for.

In the United States, there was a man who was too intoxicated on drugs he consumed the night before the wedding that he was a zombie on the material day.

“He could barely walk down the aisle, and he passed out before they could get through their vows. The bride and her mum left crying,” a Reddit user, who claimed to have attended the wedding, posted in 2016.

Cancellation is the worst that can happen on a wedding day but there are times when mishaps happen, like the motorcade of one of the parties being stuck on the way, cakes falling apart, event planners failing to deliver, overbearing parents, embarrassing speeches, and such.

How about cancellation that happens when a hitherto unknown ex-lover shows up with an objection?

MARRIAGE ACT

Before May 2014, there was a real threat of a wedding being cancelled after a person raised a complaint in a packed church shortly before couples exchanged their vows.

But nowadays, there is a reason to breathe easy as the Marriage Act changed the ball game, according to Rev Richard Kiilu of Speak the Word Church in Nairobi’s Kasarani.

“Initially, people would just appear on the wedding day and disrupt weddings. Today, the law requires a couple to lodge their intent at Sheria House and after meeting all the requirements, they are cleared and given a go-ahead,” Rev Kiilu told Lifestyle.

He added: “They must then have their wedding plans announced at their respective churches for three weeks. This is treated very seriously as it is a legal process as stipulated by the Marriage Act.”

He noted that the question church ministers ask on whether there is anyone opposed to the wedding is meant for the couple.

“By then, we will have already dealt with the congregation during the three weeks. By that moment there is no room for a third party to raise an objection,” said the reverend.

“If, however, the two have an objection, it will be addressed first before they are officiated.”

In the case of the Nakuru couple, various commentators have been wondering why a church that is supposed to embrace everyone seemed discriminatory — and why the pastor had to wait until the last minute to indicate he would not attend the wedding.

Pastor Holidah “Holie” Omoso, who ministers with her husband, Pastor George, at the Jubilee Christian Church (JCC) in Kitengela, said it would be prudent to hear from both parties before passing judgment.

“However, that said, as a pastor I would not wait until the wedding day with full knowledge that I have no intentions of officiating a couple’s wedding for whatever reason,” said Pastor Holie.

ABANDONED

Abandoning church members at their hour of need can cause untold agony and leave them with lifelong implications, she noted.

Pastor Holie has personal experience. She was stood up by her fiancé on their wedding day and knows all too well the agony the young Nakuru bride was going through — even though their weddings aborted for different reasons.

Holie was set to walk down the aisle on June 21, 2008, and the stage was set for the grand wedding.

“The wedding cards had already been sent out and we had paid our service providers as we were not taking any chances. My bridal team could not wait to celebrate me on my big day,” narrated Holie.

“In addition, George, my fiancé, and I had already rented a one-bedroomed house in Nairobi’s South B and we had moved our stuff into our new house where we would start our married life together, as man and wife.”

Holie has a strong personality and she confesses to having been a perfectionist who needed things done “now”.

The week before their scheduled wedding, the couple had argued a bit too much but Holie did not read much into it.

“On the Wednesday before our set wedding, we had an argument but George remained calm and I assumed he had decided to ignore our frequent verbal fights,” said Holie.

On that particular evening, the prospective groom asked a friend of his to drop Holie in South B.

On reaching their house, she noticed that her fiancé’s framed photos were missing from the wall and on rushing to the bedroom, she also noticed that his suitcases were missing.

On the bed was a note: “I cannot live with you. Call your friends and tell them the wedding is off.”

Efforts to reach her fiancé were fruitless as his phone was off.

REGULATIONS

Devastation does not begin to describe the emotions she went through at that time but people had to be informed there was not going to be a wedding two days prior.

“Unfortunately, it wasn’t possible to inform everyone and my relatives and friends still gathered at my mum's house awaiting transport to the wedding venue,” said Holie.

However, she is grateful that her bishop, Alan Kiuna, stood with her and together with his wife, Rev Kathy Kiuna, walked with her through that difficult time.

The couple was able to reconcile and two years after their failed wedding, they got married in June 2010.

Holie attributes their victory to her pastors who did not abandon her. Today, with her husband, Pastor George, they counsel couples intending to get married.

“Every church has set regulations that have to be fulfilled before its minister can officiate their wedding. We walk with our members and follow up on their progress to avoid last-minute surprises. If, for some reason, they are rebellious or being elusive on a particular matter, we make it clear in advance that we will not officiate their wedding,” explains Pastor Holie.

“The apostle in Nakuru had the obligation of telling couple in advance that he was not going to officiate their wedding and sharing with them the reason why,” she said.

Reverend Kiilu of Speak the Word Church said that the pastor may have had good reasons to stop it.

“We may fault him on many fronts, but certainly not his convictions to principles,” says Rev Kiilu.

“That the couple’s relationship made it to the altar where it crumbled, is testimony to the depth of commitment, quality of decision and faithfulness between the couple. And then in total violation of the very scripture on Mark 10:19 which the Nakuru-based apostle should uphold: ‘What, therefore, God hath put together, let no man put asunder.’

Rev Kiilu said the Nakuru pastor instead tore it apart “shamelessly, with impunity, with total disregard to the feelings of God, the couple, their parents, families, friend and relatives”.

SHAME AND RIDICULE

The Nakuru pastor, says Rev Kiilu, should have detected something was amiss way before the big day instead of subjecting the couple to shame and ridicule, he says.

“And this is where we must call this pastor’s bluff. The business and mandate of pastors is to officiate, wed and pronounce blessings upon couples who have made the choice to belong to each other. As long as that choice is free of coercion, manipulation, deceit or wilful withholding of what we term, full disclosure, then a pastor has no business stopping the wedding,” he said.

Rev Kiilu said pastors should stop lording over God’s heritage, or dictating who should or should not get married to who.

“They can guide, give their honest opinion — and it doesn’t have to be followed. But when it goes beyond the threshold of freedom of choice, they are out of order. Let God’s people be,” he said, adding that the Nakuru couple deserves to be wedded by another church minister and refunded their costs.

Steve Kyallo, a marriage counsellor and a pastor of an online grouping called What to Do before and after You Say ‘I Do’ — which has a membership of close to 140,000 — says he might not have the finer details but that their decisions as church leaders must be tempered with love.

“Just like everyone else, I read with dismay the drama that unfolded at Mizpah House of Prayer,” said Pastor Kyallo.

“It is unfortunate that these two young people who had waited for this day in anticipation walked away a dejected lot and their dreams quashed at the last minute. Before a wedding can be stopped, there must be compelling reasons that must be weighed against the Word of God and the Law of the land. Church procedures must ensure there is justice and fairness in the way members are handled. The church is like a hospital and anyone can go there for help. It should never be a place for dejection,” explained the preacher.

PROCEDURE

He said every church procedure must be well-documented and made clear to anyone who wishes to be wedded there.

“It should never be at the whims of an individual minister. Couples intending to marry should be provided with these procedures and made to sign to commit to follow the due process, failure to which the wedding will not be presided over by any of the church ministers. I have no idea what the procedure for this particular church is but whatever the case, such a decision should have been well documented and the couple made aware of these requirements,” said Pastor Kyallo.

He noted that it should never be a last-minute decision because coordinating a wedding involves many parties who include families, the church, service providers and friends.

“A decision to cancel a wedding has to be weighed well and the reasons given must be material, fair and well thought out and should be communicated in writing early to give a couple the time to decide on what to do,” he said, adding that this was not in any way condoning sin since the church “is expected to direct people towards purity and godliness”.

Pastor Kyallo added: “The question I always ask is: what would Jesus do? Would he chase away young people who come to the church to seek God’s blessings? What message does this act convey to young people who are opting to take short cuts instead of going to the altar?”

He explained that while it is important for people intending to marry to take a HIV test and get into marriage knowing their status, this should not be “like a death warrant”.

“The decision as to whether to proceed or call it off should be left to the two to decide not for the pastor or parents. We also have cases where premarital sex and even pregnancy are involved. The church should not condone this behaviour but should have space for repentant couples and help direct them back to the cross instead of throwing them to the streets. This is what Jesus would do,” said Pastor Kyallo.