You caught her cheating? Don’t give up on her yet

Your world feels like it just ended. You’ve caught your wife cheating. Whatever do you do?

Do nothing at all to begin with. Cool off for a while. Review your evidence and make sure it’s really concrete, or you’ll just get denials. 

Pick a time to talk when you’re both sober and neither hungry nor tired. Calmly tell her what you’ve discovered, and say that while you’re upset, you’d like to discuss what’s happened and find a way forward together. Don’t throw her out, leave, threaten to do either, or get angry.

Unless she’s cheated before, decide – yes it is a decision – that you’re going to forgive her. That won’t be easy, but you will eventually get your relationship back on track. Though you’ll actually be building a completely new one. Because the old, innocent and trusting one has gone forever. You’ll fight loads, and feel bitter and insecure for ages. But you could well end up with a stronger relationship than you had before. With a better understanding of one another, and new skills that will make infidelity much less likely in future.

Stop blaming each other as soon as possible. Because you won’t make progress with accusations every two minutes.

TAKE RESPONSIBILTY

Make lots of time to talk. Agree that you’re going to be 100 per cent honest with one another – for the rest of your lives. Talk about the infidelity, and what to do to make things better in future. Because you’ll only restore trust, affection and commitment if you both focus on improving every aspect of your marriage.

Like probably you’ve just been going through the motions. Conversations have become “to-do” lists and issues aren’t resolved. You spend so much time at work that you’re only ever together when you’re tired and irritable. You’re constantly critical, and the affection and intimacy’s dwindled down to nothing…

Start being more supportive, upbeat, affectionate and appreciative. Because you’re both much less likely to cheat if you feel understood and appreciated. Accept each other for who you are rather than trying to change them. Share your feelings, and start saying out loud that you love one another and will always be there. Because partners who constantly reassure one another of their love and commitment rarely stray.

If your anger, fear, and the feelings of loss seem never ending, see a counsellor. Talking with someone who really listens, and who understands how marriages actually work, can help you figure it all out.

Forgiving her will take time. And you’ll also need to accept that you contributed to your partner’s betrayal. Because you did. Probably by neglecting her, or getting buried in your career.

Will the pain go away? Yes. But very slowly. In six months, you’ll be feeling better most of the time. In a year, trust will be developing again. Your relationship will gradually feel less brittle, and you’ll start experiencing happy moments again. So keep going. You’re moving towards a better – and faithful – future together.