I finally found my true love

She is smart, lively, ambitious and single. She is also born-again and believes in reflecting her convictions through her lifestyle. The man she is looking for is different because the bar is significantly raised.

Apart from all the ‘usual’ things she wants in a man (ambition, sensitivity, honesty, caring attitude, good looks), he must be born-again. For her, the field of eligible men is significantly narrowed, because she will not fraternise with one who does not subscribe to her faith.

But finding the right man is not easy, as Mumbi, a 31-year-old born-again sales executive, will tell you. “I met Mike at his workplace while trying to interest him in our products and he asked me out for coffee. He was smart, funny and very ambitious, and I wanted him to be the one,” she says.

They immediately began communicating via e-mail and phone. But Mumbi’s dreams were shattered when, during a subsequent meeting, Mike ordered a beer.

“I knew right there and then that much as he fit the bill for my Mr Right, I wasn’t comfortable with his lifestyle.” Mumbi continued to see Mike for six months but dared not let anyone in her church know because it would elicit sharp criticism. She ended the relationship and feels more at peace.

“I believe my man is somewhere out there, and that he shares my faith and values,” she says.

This scenario is common among single Christian women and is often referred to as being “unequally yoked”. Sheila, 30, has a slightly different story.

“I met Momanyi, 32, in church and he looked interested. During our first conversation, we discovered that we both loved adventure and the outdoors. Before long, he was calling, texting and asking me out.”

Sheila quickly agreed. After all, hadn’t they met in the safety of church? But after a while, she noticed that he took his relationship with God rather casually.

“He hardly ever mentioned God in our conversations; he wasn’t a regular church goer, and didn’t even have a Bible!”

But she hung on, determined to give it a try. “Nobody is perfect,” she would console herself and brushed aside the shocking, off-colour and sexually suggestive remarks he made. But she could take it no more when, on her first visit to his house, she found strange posters of women on his wall.

“I knew right then and there that I should run and not look back,” she says.

The number of single, born-again women is rising, and Christian radio stations are filled with prayer requests for marriage partners.

Even the church is aware of this trend and is making efforts to accommodate this emerging group. At many Christian gatherings today, apart from the call for people to be born-again, there is almost always a special prayer for singles searching for a life partner.

The born-again single woman is not looking for just a relationship – it’s marriage or nothing. She does not want to waste her precious time on a relationship that’s going nowhere. She treats dating seriously, commits the matter to prayer and fasting and keeps her eyes open for red flags.

Ida, 34, is all too familiar with this. “I met Josh three months ago,” she says “He seemed so taken by me, always calling me, needing to see me and for a while I thought I had hit the jackpot.”

But a month later, Josh revealed that marriage was the last thing on his mind. He said he didn’t trust women and that he would not be settling down any time soon. Ida was devastated. “What on earth are we doing then?” she wonders, although she continues to see him on and off.

The single and churchy woman has read many relationship books, so she has no illusions about Mr Perfect. Yet she still secretly hopes that he’ll be everything on her check list.

Rev Judy Mbugua, a renowned preacher, tells an interesting story in many of her sermons about some of the advice single girls get: “Buy a suit in the size of the man you hope for, and then in your prayers say, ‘Fill it, Lord!’”

While this is with a light touch, the message is not lost – know what you want beforehand. The single and churchy woman has been warned not to make the first move, no matter how interested she is in a man. She should hope and pray that he will make the first move, and if he doesn’t, then he’s probably not the one.

Maggie, 38, knows how tough this can be. “I met Joe at a Bible study organised by our church. He seems like an amazing person. I would like us to get to know each other better but he hasn’t noticed me. It’s so frustrating. I wish I could be forthright and tell him how I feel, but everyone has advised against it.”

One of the tips these women are given if they want to get noticed is to get involved in church activities and attend functions organised by the church. Becky, a 25-year-old university student, was recently advised by a group of well-meaning older women.

“You’ve got a nice smile; why don’t you become an usher so that he can see you doing God’s work? It will be just a matter of time before he spots you.” She was dismayed that anyone could have such shallow motives for doing ‘God’s work’.

A popular pastor in one of the Pentecostal churches once admonished women in his congregation: “Stop hopping from one church to another looking for ‘the one’. You’ll turn into a City Hoppa! Instead, seek God and the rest will fall into place.”

In her book, Common Mistakes Singles Make, Mary Whelchel, founder of the Christian Working Woman, notes that not everyone is meant to be married. There are those God has predestined to be single and she lists a number of advantages for such people.

For example, they are not distracted by family issues, so they have more time on their hands. This means a single person can work late into the night for days without inconveniencing anyone. But this is no consolation to the single and churchy who hopes to find the right partner someday.

In fact, there are those who suggest that everyone has their perfect other. Such people base their arguments on the book of Isaiah 34:16 that reads in part: “… not one shall lack her mate”.

Others believe that God’s original idea was that it is not good for man to be alone, but because we live in a sinful world, this is not possible. This idea is inspired by Isaiah 4:1 that says: “And in that day, seven women shall take hold of one man and say, we will eat our own food and wear our own apparel. Only let us be called by your name to take away our reproach.” It supports the general belief that there are not enough men to go round.

In an attempt to meet the unique needs of this steadily growing group, churches are coming up with exciting new platforms where single Christian women and men, especially those above 30, can mingle and probably find the right partner. There is even a joke in Christian circles that single men should pray with one eye open!

Among some of the platforms developed is the Double S ministry at a Nairobi-based Pentecostal church, where church members above 30 meet regularly to share the challenges of being in their situation and form support groups.Another popular group is the Cutting Edge Fellowship based in Nairobi, which does pretty much what double S does, only their scope and target group is much larger.

Despite these efforts, however, Pastor Gerald Gichanga, a youth pastor at the Nairobi Pentecostal Church, Thika Road, feels that not enough has been done for single, born-again women.

“Over and above integrating them in the wider fellowships such as the women’s ministry or young professionals’ forums in churches, which comprise both the married and unmarried, the church needs to be more deliberate about creating specific platforms where single people can interact, network and remain accountable to one another.”

He points out that the uncertainty at this age, despite being successful in other areas such as career, and the pressure associated with the ticking biological clock might cause some to fall by the wayside, which is something the church should look into seriously.

Due to overwhelming pressure from different quarters, desperation or lack of opportunities to mingle, some single and born-again women have turned to ways they previously considered unconventional to find Mr Right. These include placing advertisements in newspapers and joining dating agencies and online Christian dating sites.

The search might be long and fraught with disappointment, but not all stories end in despair.Pam Rhobi, a graphic designer, acknowledges that meeting a genuinely godly man is not easy. But with prayer and trust in God, it is possible.

Sarah Njoki Kabu, a tour and events coordinator, concurs: “Being single and born-again is not easy. The main problem is that you meet men with everything you are looking for, but who turn out to be jokers. And of course, there’s the constant pressure from family and friends.”

She recalls a time when she met such a man in church. He was single, born-again and ambitious. After a delightful dinner on their third date, he dropped her home and asked for a massage. “I left and never looked back,” she says.But she did not let the experience kill her spirit. Rather than bemoan her status, Sarah 29, chose to make the best out of it.

“I love group activities and adventure. I attended every young professionals’ forum. I went to nearly all events, not necessarily to look for someone, but for the sheer joy of networking and having fun.”

It was at one of these outings that Sarah met Simon at the Lukenya Getaway.

“I noticed that he kept stealing glances at me during the team-building games. Simon was different. He always called and checked up on me. He always made an effort to get me nice, thoughtful gifts. They were very creative and not necessarily expensive. He introduced me to his friends, wasn’t afraid to be seen with me.”

Within a month of their meeting, they decided to start dating with the aim of getting married. And their dream came true when they had their wedding on Cresent Island on the shores of Lake Naivasha. “I’m glad I didn’t get married at 24, I have always wanted a fairytale wedding. I wouldn’t have been able to afford it then,” says Kabu.

Their shared love for adventure blossomed into a tour company, Bonfire Adventures, which they established during their courtship. “I love to see single people meeting,” says Sarah. She and her husband moderate a group on Facebook, “We are happily single, stable and searching” which has over 2,000 members.

Her advice to the single and searching? “Keep developing yourself. Don’t put your life on hold. Let him find you doing something.” She also encourages parents to support their daughters so that they don’t make a decision out of desperation because marriage is for life.

[email protected]