Friends for life or times?

What role do friends play in your life? Why are these people your friends and how did you meet them? Reflect on these questions, because they inform our discussion topic for this week’s Big Issue.

Mwari Muthaura, a clinical psychologist, says the role of friendship is to give us affirmations. “Friends are life’s cheerleaders, source of encouragement. They lend us help and form a team around us. Friends also offer avenues for growth and self-improvement, introduce us to new hobbies, new skills, new career paths, new connections, diverse cultures, new places in the world, foods, drinks and other new experiences – friends give more than your immediate family would be able to. Friendships trigger certain qualities in us that might not necessarily be second nature such as selflessness; where we find ourselves running to bail someone out at odd hours. Not having friends is detrimental to your physical, mental and emotional well-being. Studies show that when individuals are faced with challenges or are undergoing a major transition in life, those with good social networks are better placed to bounce back,” she says.

She also notes that having friends reduce the impact of life stresses and increases assurance because friendships offer a sense of shared meaning, duty and resources.

ADAKA ARAKA, 26

Photographer

Adaka says a friend is a confidante, someone close who knows and understands him well and someone that he can rely on at his hour of need.

“I think friends choose you. And I believe that you can only know who your true friends are after you have gone through a rough patch in life. Sometimes people that we did not even think would stand up for us come through and turn out to be better friends than those that we assumed were our friends,” he explains.

According to Adaka, the role of  friends is to support each other both emotionally and morally, including sharing in the joys of each other and comforting each other in times of sadness.

“But when there is no reciprocation of these things, when I feel that there is no equity in these actions, the friendship may start to look like a drag and fail to work,” he says.

He has one or two friends that move with him across time and distance but otherwise, he approaches friendships very functionally.

“I think as we get onto new projects, new jobs and live in different places, we form new friendships that fill the spaces of the old friends,” Adaka says.

He also brings to attention a certain phenomenal in friendship which he calls circumstantial friendships.

“I have friendships that are driven by factors such as spending a lot of time with these people: It could be work or living next to each other. After departures, staying in touch can get scarce and the bonds of close friendships can get less tight,” he says.

For him, the internet has made the social space smaller and has made it easier to keep up with friends because we are aware of what is happening in their lives.

LINET NJERI, 28

Strategy consultant and corporate trainer at LifeSkills Consulting Ltd

Linet defines a friend as someone with whom you share common interests, someone you can trust and who is there for you when you need them.

“Friends have been anchors in my life. They inspire me to reach for higher goals and have been confidants when I needed a listening ear. They have comforted me through failures and losses, and have given me life-changing advice,” she says.

Linet says that friendships only get to fully flourish when the individuals agree to be completely vulnerable because without this, it is not possible to form a deep bond required for a flourishing friendship.

“I have come to learn that friendship is about letting the other into your life. I have had shallow friendships where everyone is trying to guard their hearts and they did not last,” she says.

She says she is terrible at communicating, something that her friends are not happy about and recognising this weakness, she goes out of her way to give them her full attention when they meet.

“I am quite lenient with friendships but there are some lines that once crossed, I don’t take kindly- such as disrespect,” she says.

For Linet, the internet has certainly helped to nurture friendships because it allows for borderless and instant communication. The only flipside, she says, boundaries  can become blurred especially when it comes to acquaintances.

“What I offer is companionship, loyalty and trust. I think people expect vulnerability, communication and trust,” she says.

Her longest friendship has lasted the past 10 years. “She is one of my closest friends. We were in campus together and I think just living together and having to overlook and work around each other’s weaknesses made us stronger friends,” she says.

MORGAN MAJIMBO, 28

Interior Designer

Morgan says that friendships are very important because we all need people to talk to and people that we can depend on for various things in life.

“I am an easy person and there is really no protocol to becoming my friend. I find that most times, I connect with people who we share similar interests and we grow as friends by keeping in touch, meeting up for recreation and genuinely having interest in each other’s affairs,” he says.

In his life, friends play the role of challenging and advising him and within his circles, there are people who have achieved much more than he has and catching up and exchanging ideas with these people is an important aspect of friendship.

“I believe that no one is perfect. My longest surviving friendship is 15 years old and it has taught me that as a friend, there are certain weakness that you will have to overlook. But backstabbing for me is unforgivable – it is a reason I have ended friendships. I am also wary about fair weather friends or those who just stick with you because of what they stand to get from you: it could be money, tapping into your networks or access to your house,” he says.

Morgan recognises that people change all the time and sometimes, it is these changing circumstances that dictate the direction and the strength of friendships.

“I know people from my home town who are still my friends but because of the different paths that life took us on, there is very little grounds upon which to connect. At some point, there is just loss of touch and because of this, we find it very difficult to hold conversations because we no longer have similar experiences and as we get older, our opinions on issues in life vary,” he says.

Because he is straight forward in his way of communication and presentation, he believes that his role in a friendship is to be honest.

“A friend should be like a brother or a sister. There shouldn’t be too much PR in friendships,” he opines, adding that he think internet has somewhat killed friendships.

“ I worry that because of the pressures of social media, a lot of people are living fake lives and unless someone is willing to be vulnerable, it is difficult to tell when a friend really needs help,” he concludes.

VIVIAN MUTAMBI, 27

Global Mission Fellow

Vivian says that there are many compartments to her concept of friendship – starting from people who are simply friends to those that she calls close friends.

“I think being a close friend is something that comes naturally because we have parts of our lives painted in similar colours; for example, having attended similar schools, having the same outlook towards life and similar exposure levels. Because of these commonalities, we end up sharing spaces, attending the same events and so on,” she says.

Vivian notes that her appreciation of friendships was not as solid before she got a job that required her to travel a lot.

“I realised that I took a lot of things; such as meeting up with friends and always having a support system for granted. I got to a foreign land one time for work and it hit me that I was all alone! Friends give you a certain courage,” she says.

Her oldest friendship is about as old as she is. This is the friend that she can talk to for hours even when she is away.

“She is one of my closest friends – we come from the same hometown, go to the same church, went to the same primary school and we were both at universities in Nairobi. Apart from having a very strong bond, our lives are intertwined in very elaborate ways,” she says.

She admits that this particular friendship has played a big role in highlighting her burgeoning identity.

The other distinguishing fact between just friends and close friends for Vivian is the fact that there are friends that recur in many phases of our lives and those that we meet just once in a particular situation, serve a particular function and that is done – commemorative friends.

“I am feminist and also an Africanist. While I can say that in a sense I have always been this way, having friends who stand for these things played a very big role in intensifying these identities,” she says.

Friendships have to be mutual and must have equal dedication from both parties because if the effort; the calling and the prompting for meetings always just comes from one side, then it is not a good place to be.

“Deal-breakers for me include disobeying set boundaries; especially with my male friends who try to be more than friends,” she says.

Vivian observes that some compromises are important in friendships but it can get a little challenging if the parties are fundamentally different.

“I like friends who are open-minded. But another deal-breaker for me would be a close friend who does not show up when I am in need,” she says.

“I had accommodation problems when I joined university and I do not know what I would have done if I did not have my close friend. She welcomed me to stay at her place until I could sort myself out,” she recalls.

Vivian also recognises that there is the possibility of people growing apart because of different circumstances and distance.

“I believe that you should not struggle with friendships – they should come naturally. But the reality is that as we grow, some of our friends might pull away from us because they feel superior or inferior. I guess that is just life,” she says.

The internet has been an amplifier of friendships in Vivian’s case.

“The fact that I can be away and still stay in touch is a big plus for me. I feel that there are certain friendships that I would not have lost if we did not have a very big distance between us,” she concludes.

DANIEL WAMBAYA, 26

Doctor, Busia County Referral Hospital

For him, friendship is companionship that adds value to both parties: supporting, helping and generally making each other better.

“I am an easy person and when it comes to friends, we either gel or we don’t gel. But common interests underpin my friendships – like minds, similar aspirations. Making friends is not a task I spend my mental energies figuring out,” he says.

Daniel nurtures his friendships through continuous interactions with friends on matters such as current affairs and economic changes in the country.

“Friends that remain relevant through time stay the full course, it is that simple for me,” he says.

He also observes that there are different clicks of friends – there are those that you have to make a deliberate effort to maintain because you talk over issues that need deliberate planning and a certain premeditation.

“But a bulk of my friendships are easy and do not call for any protocols. They are either beneficial or they are not. If a friendship is pushing me towards achieving more, I maintain it; otherwise it just fades away unconsciously,” he says.

Daniel says that while he would be concerned and even look out for a friend he considers close if something happened to him, this concern is very practical – looking for ways to help him out, nothing to do with any feelings or bonds – just a logical thing to do.

“I think the internet has strained friendships. I have a lot of friends online – we talk, I even know that I can count on them but I feel that my devotion and the effort that I put on these friendship is much less than it would be if they did not just happen over the internet,” he says.

CLAUDINE DELOROCE, 19

Bachelor of Pharmacy student, Kabarak University

“Friendships provide a shoulder to lean on. It is from wiping my tears, tackling my mistakes and showing me that there is so much about me that is worthy to salvage. Friendships have helped me see my worth by helping me pick up the pieces of a broken past. I have gained exposure and a sense of gratitude for different personalities and cultures through friendships. I have also, through friendships, learnt how to tolerate different kinds of people,” she explains.

Claudine says mistrust and feeling as if the other party is not putting in as much effort as she is; or an irresponsibility on the part of the friend or friends that can lead to betrayal is a deal breaker for her when it comes to friendships.

Keeping in touch is also an important aspect of friendship for Claudine and staying for long periods without communication can make a friendship fade away.

“I stay in touch with my friends, regularly, so if someone does not respond or bother staying in touch, our friendship will become strained,” she says.

Her simple but greatest lesson in friendship so far is that as it matters how the other person makes her feel; it is also about how she makes the other person feel about themselves because in the long run, people never forget how we make them feel.

“I have friends who are younger than me, others older, as well as my age mates. If you asked me, friendships should not be based on any superficial factors such age, race, social class or education level,” she says.

For her, the internet has elevated friendships. Through social media, Claudine has made very good friends most of whom are very dear to her despite not having met them in person.

“Social media is an avenue where you make friends globally. It has also created a way to get in touch with long lost friends and catch up with each other,” she says.