How we survived relationships from hell

Love comes with euphoria and with euphoria comes rashness.

When in love, or under the illusion of love, it is easy to throw caution to the wind and to do things that one would not ordinarily do.
From the excitement of the moment, some end up dating strangers and even psychopaths, often with detrimental consequences.

With no hard and fast rules in dating, couples depend on their own insight to navigate the arc of relationships.

Reports about young people killing their lovers in cold blood shed light on the greyness of romantic relationships.
Are you, for instance, duty-bound to assist the person you are in a relationship with financially? How much can you tolerate behaviour that you do not agree with from your partner for the sake of love and for how long?

Would you compromise your morals to accommodate your partner?

Read on.

CHEGE KARIUKI, 27
TEACHER
I was once in a relationship where I was forced to pay for nearly all of my partner’s personal expenses.

In the name of love. She was a student at the time, but I found it quite unusual that I should give her money for bus fare, money for her hair and also pay for her other personal effects.

This later escalated to me paying her medical bills. To be sincere, I struggled because I had just started out in my career.

Besides taking advantage of me, I would later learn that she was a pathological liar.

And she was abusing marijuana and alcohol behind my back, but she concealed it so well, I never suspected her. To make matters worse, she was also addicted to gambling.

She would borrow money from me, usually without giving a solid explanation of how she intended to spend it.

Sometimes she blew up her school fees on gambling only to ask for money when exams neared.

She would feign desperation, which left me with no choice but to give her the money she asked for, often out of empathy than love.

To cut down on expenses, we moved in together. But this turned out to be another blunder.

When she was away, I would do all the household chores, but when she stayed at home while I was at work I would return to a disorderly house.

When I asked her about it, she would get violent and give a cold shoulder for hours, which really vexed me.

It took me time to acknowledge that she was manipulating me, but I eventually broke up with her.

Drawing from that experience, I would willingly support my partner, but only where and when necessary.

Everyone has their own financial demands therefore, there is a limit to how much one can help out his or her partner.

I believe that financial support should also go towards sensible investments, not to support an addiction.

Such support should also be mutual, not one-sided.

I have also had to deal with a stalker, a woman I met on social media. She declared her love for me, and would occasionally send me very cheesy messages on my social platforms, sometimes during very odd hours.

I have never figured out how she got hold of my mobile number.

This went on actively for a few months and then she disappeared. Sometimes she resurfaces occasionally and then goes away.

PATRICIA KOMBO, 23
STUDENT, MOI UNIVERSITY
I started dating when I was in first year. Naïve as I was then, I was not ready for any kind of serious romantic relationship.

All my peers though were busy boasting about their relationships, which compelled me to try it a try.

My first relationship was with a classmate. He had shown an interest in me right from when we joined university.

I felt it was safer to give it a try with someone I knew. This would turn out to be a huge mistake.

The guy was very insecure. He could call me all the time, wanting to know where I was. In class, he would get mad if I talked to other male classmates.

He was uncomfortable with the way I dressed, and would reprimand me for wearing what can only be referred as regular clothing.

I am an outspoken and very social person, which caused problems between us.

Suddenly, I could not interact freely with other students in peace.

Whenever I wanted to hang out with my friends, I had to ask for his permission, which was awkward.

Love should give one the freedom to do what they desire, though with some restraint. Being with this man however felt like being in bondage.
In class, he would join the discussion group I was in to monitor me.

While at first it felt good to have him around, as time went by, him hovering around me started feeling uncomfortable.

He was very generous though, and gave me money when I needed it. But he was also very petty and manipulative.

Whenever we disagreed, he would remind me of all the times he had given me money.

A few months before our second year in university, I lost interest in the relationship. My initial love for him turned into disgust because of his clingy tendencies.

When I later ended the relationship, he sent me a text message in the middle of the night threatening to commit suicide if I did not get back with him.

Scared, I went to his hostel room, only to find him watching a movie. I felt so manipulated, I avoided him for months.

Since we are classmates, we occasionally talk, although we don’t say much to each other.

I am currently in a relationship with someone. I liked him, but before I allowed myself to commit to him, I was careful to study him for a couple of months to understand his character. I am happy and feel free now. My perspective of relationships has also changed.

As long as people are in a relationship, the question of money will always arise, but helping out your partner does not give you the leeway to control them.

If someone loves you, he or she should willingly invest in you without any strings attached.

PATRAH MURANGI, 20
STUDENT
My worst relationship experience has to be when I dated an atheist. Having been brought up in a Christian background, my outlook has always been influenced by Christianity.

Being with a partner who did not believe in God made our partnership look like a contest because we clashed on almost every topic.

Not that I would mind dating someone who has different beliefs from mine, but whereas I was ready to compromise my stand for the sake of our understanding, he was rigid and selfish.

He never backed down from what he believed.

I have also dated someone who was defensive, someone who would never admit wrongdoing even when it was clear that he was at fault. Whenever I brought up the matter, he would become violent and loud rather than apologise.
For the sake of peace and keeping the relationship, I would take the blame and apologise, which left me bitter and embarrassed.

I have also been in a relationship with a patronising man. We come from different parts of the country and therefore different cultures. He proposed to me when I was just 19, I, f course, blatantly turned him down.

He would often remind me that should we get married, I would have to end my education to take care of his family. Initially, I thought he was joking, but he wasn’t.

While I was outspoken and open, he was reserved, a factor that caused discord in the relationship. After these discouraging relationship experiences, I am wiser now.

I hope to get into a long-term relationship someday, but for now, I want to experience life with no holds barred. If a relationship does not work out, I move on without much fuss.

I refuse to allow myself to get depressed because of someone at this stage of my life.

BRIAN IBRAHIM, 25
SOFTWARE DEVELOPER
From violent to possessive partners and a girlfriend with an acute personality disorder, all the four relationships I have been in have been dramatic.

One of my ex-girlfriends was deceitful. We grew up in the same area and even went to the same school.

My assumption was that having known each other for more than 15 years, dating would be easy.

Growing up, I knew her to be a polite and kind person, but just when we had settled down in our relationship, she suddenly changed and became highly irrational and hostile to the people around me.

She was also very confrontational and would not accommodate views different from hers. She would smash items in the house, scream and generally become disruptive whenever we got into an argument. Most of the time our neighbours were forced to intervene to calm her down.

When I made or answered a phone call, she would insist to know who it was I was speaking to. She even complained that I was not giving her enough attention.

She was not predictable, which was disturbing, and every day, she felt like a stranger.

She would also break up with me numerous times, only to turn up at my door the following morning.

I could not stomach her erratic behaviour anymore, so I eventually broke up with her.
After this relationship, I plunged right into the heart of another trying one. This woman was manipulative.

For reasons that I could not understand, she drove a wedge between me and my family and friends.

She did not want anyone near me. It got to a point when I felt I was only existing for her. I was depressed and became highly irritable.

By the time my family stepped in to separate us last year, she had almost completely torn me away from them.
My relationships have significantly influenced how I view life while teaching me the importance of proper timing before dating.

Staying in love demands a lot of work, patience and commitment, which are only possible with mental maturity.

Initially, I would easily fall in love with anyone who showed me affection. I have now resolved that if someone cannot love me for who I truly am, I have no business being with them.

I have also learnt that while being in love is an exciting experience, it is not the only thing that one should live for.
As a sentimental person, it excites me to be on the same intellectual wavelength with someone.

Being able to effortlessly have a discussion about life and sharing in someone’s thoughts matters a lot to me.

Intimate conversations would easily motivate me to get into a relationship with someone.

Ironically though, this is what has nearly always put me in the path of unsuitable girlfriends.

LUCY NYAMBURA, 27

CUSTOMER EXPERIENCE OFFICER

My experience with relationships has been disappointing so far. I was once in one with a man who was half-hearted about our relationship.

When we got together, he seemed committed, but along the way, he became disinterested. He sounded like someone who was slaving in the relationship, and whenever we had a disagreement I was the one that seemed interested in salvaging the relationship.

I am the kind of person who heavily invests in a relationship emotionally. I do not know how to hold back when I love someone.

It reached a point where I started feeling emotionally abused.

We never had quality time together even when we could, yet when I brought this up, he dismissed me, accusing me of being idle and petty.

He was not a violent man, but he was emotionally abusive, a state I lived with for two years.

Interestingly, he did not want to end the relationship, even when I suggested it several times, but he also did not want to commit.

We were just hanging in there with nothing of note between us. I felt wasted and abused.
His departure left me stranded and bitter for a couple months, though I was more upset with myself for having dismissed my friends when they pointed out at red flags in our relationship.

I was blinded by my love for him such that even when he took me for granted, I ignored it.

In subsequent relationships, I have been more vocal about what I want and what I don’t.

This experience also taught me that without emotional commitment, love is only a mirage. Staying in a one-sided relationship only robs you of peace of mind.

It is also only fair to give as much love as you get.
Nothing is more fulfilling in an intimate relationship than having the freedom to speak one’s mind without restriction and with the knowledge that your partner honestly cares about you.

It is for this purpose that a relationship should exist in the first place.