We became fathers in our teens and early 20s

Stories abound of teenage girls and women in their early twenties who get pregnant while in secondary school or college, pregnancies they had not planned for.

These stories are more often than not one-sided: it is almost always these girls and young women giving their stories, the stigma they endured when society found out about their “disgraceful condition”, the rejection they suffered, the sacrifices they had to make to raise their child, the struggles they had to bear alone.

This time round, we decided to tell a different story, one that is not often told, that of young men who became fathers in their teens and early twenties. Are the challenges they go through similar to those of young mothers? How did they handle these challenges and what lessons did their experiences teach them?

David Mbithi

Age: 31

David was 21 when he found out that his girlfriend was pregnant.

I was raised in a Christian home. Although conversations on matters such as sex were infrequent, I knew the expectations that my parents had of me – get an education and a job first, then marriage and kids later. I was 20 when I got a job with a marketing agency in Nairobi. I could afford to work since I was a part-time diploma student. I got attracted to a colleague, and we started dating. The job allowed us to work in shifts, and we took the same shifts so that we could spend the day or night together.

A year later, my girlfriend informed me that she was pregnant. We were scared stiff. We didn’t know what to do. I was still living with my parents, while she lived with her elder sister. Confused, I approached my friends for advice.

Most advised that I either leave her or ask her to get an abortion. They pointed out that taking responsibility for the pregnancy would impede my success.

Eventually, my girlfriend and I discussed the few options we had, and I assured her that I would support her throughout the pregnancy. The choice I made, though the right one, was a tough one for me to make because it came with many dilemmas.

First, I couldn’t take her to my parents’ home and she couldn’t continue living with her sister because we were not yet ready to face our relatives with the news. We therefore decided to move in together. I lied to my parents that I was moving in with a friend, when the truth was that I was moving into a rented a bedsitter with my pregnant girlfriend.

Here I was, a student with no steady income, yet I had to bear responsibilities such as paying rent and ensuring that my girlfriend ate a balanced diet every day. We didn’t have friends or relatives to support or encourage us because most didn’t know that we lived together. We made do with the little we earned from the company we worked for.

After the baby was born, I realised that I could no longer keep my girlfriend, who I considered my wife, and child, a secret. I decided to introduce her to my parents. It was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. My parents were disappointed with me and stopped paying for my college education. I was also ridiculed and rejected by friends, including those that I went to church with. Nevertheless, I chose to stay by my wife’s side. I was greatly relieved when I found out that her parents had not rejected her when she broke the news.

All they wanted was to meet the father of her child.

Half-heartedly, my parents agreed to accompany me to her home in Western Kenya, where I told her parents of my intentions to marry her. They gave us their blessings. It was such a relief to know that we no longer had to hide our relationship. The birth of our son in 2007 was well received, and we got lots of moral, emotional and spiritual support from family and close friends.

We have been married for 11 years now, and have two children. I went back to school and graduated in 2012 with a diploma in marketing. Most people who know my story wonder if I regret becoming a father so young because I had to shelve my dream of joining college to take care of my young family.

I don’t, on the contrary, my experience came with many priceless lessons that come in handy when I am going through a challenge. I learnt that one of the reasons young men fear to commit or take responsibility for their actions is due to lack of mentorship and support from family and other relatives. Lack of a steady income is also frightening, and most get overwhelmed and choose to run, rather than stay and face the challenges head-on.

I intend to introduce the topic of sex to my sons at the earliest possible age, and will teach them to stand for what is right and to own up to their mistakes.

***

Mike Njeru

Age: 27 years

Mike was 19 years old when he found out that he was going to be a father.

When my girlfriend told me that she was pregnant, I was in my second year at Strathmore University, where I was studying a Bachelor of Business and IT. She too was 19, a first year Bachelor of Law student in a different university. A few months after we started dating, we had a conversation about what we would do if she happened to get pregnant.

We promised to stick together and handle it together. That does not however mean that we were ready to be parents.

The pregnancy news was the beginning of a difficulty journey for me as a young man. To begin with, I was a student without any source of income, and still lived at home with my mother. Even though I knew that the news would infuriate her since she had raised my brother and I in Christian principles and struggled to educate us, I decided to be brave and do the right thing – take responsibility for the pregnancy. Thankfully, my mother’s anger didn’t last long, and she agreed to support my relationship.

This decision cost me a lot emotionally, socially and financially. Some of my friends advised me to leave my girlfriend because she would tie me down, while others ridiculed me. Most of those that I confided in promised to support me, but eventually abandoned me.

I also faced a lot of backlash from some of the friends I went to church with. They made it clear that I had ruined my reputation. But it was my studies that suffered most because my priorities shifted. I would be in class, but wondering how my girlfriend, who lived in her university’s hostels, was doing, and also how I would provide for her and her our baby.

I wouldn’t define what I went through as traumatic, but I was so psychologically affected, that I had to seek counselling.

When she was seven months pregnant, I took her home, so that my mother could look after her, though when she gave birth, we got a place of our own and moved in together.

I even went ahead and proposed to her because I felt ready to start a family with her. There were many obstacles on the way though. It was challenging to find a sustainable job with good income because I was still a student. I therefore couldn’t afford to buy food, pay rent and pay her school fees too.

After living together for a couple of months, she decided to move in with her parents. It wasn’t easy letting go, but I couldn’t force her to stay either. Within a few months we had drifted apart. We are no longer a couple, but we have an amicable relationship for the sake of our son, who I make a point of seeing as often as possible. I also pay his school fees. He is seven years old now. Although I made the wrong choice, the birth of my son was a moment of pride, and it changed my perspective towards life.

I now choose my friends more wisely, and I am a better friend, thanks to what I went through - I genuinely support those close to me. I still worry about my son, and though I work hard, there are days when I have sleepless nights, wondering whether I will be able to adequately provide for him.

My intentions have always been clear - I will always be there for him. I want him to grow up knowing that I love him, and when the time comes, I will have a candid conversation with him about why his mother and I aren’t together. Once in a while, I am invited to mentor young men. One of the things that I keep reminding them is to do the right thing and not be afraid to seek counsel or counselling if need be. If you’re sailing the boat I once sailed in, remember that it takes two to tango.

Take responsibility for your child.

***

Brian Odongo

Age: 28 years

Brian was 24 years when his girlfriend told him that he was going to be a father.

I met my wife through rugby. I played for Catholic University of Eastern Africa - she was the team manager. We were friends for three years before we started dating in 2013. Early 2014, she conceived. Then, I was 24, and was waiting to graduate having completed my final semester examinations the previous year. She was two years older than I was, and had already graduated from university when we got into a relationship.

A few months into the relationship, we both knew that we wanted to get married to each other, although our plan was to have our first child in 2015. From the onset however, my parents were against our relationship, arguing that I was still too young, definitely not ready to start a family.

They also wondered why I wanted to marry someone whose life seemed to be in order – she had graduated, had a job and was in the process of enrolling for a Master’s programme. They could also not come to terms with the fact that she was older than me.

Frustrated about the constant disagreements my parents and I had about my relationship, I moved out of home late 2013 and moved in with my girlfriend. For one year, my parents and I didn’t communicate, though I stayed in touch with my younger brother. Not keen on being supported by my girlfriend, and to meet household expenses, I sold items such as sweatshirts to fellow rugby players.

I didn’t know that a child comes with so many expenses until we started saving in preparation for the delivery. I was lucky to have gotten a job with a multinational company after graduating in June 2014, and felt confident that I would be able to adequately provide for my family. By the time my wife was due to give birth, we had managed to save Sh60, 000.

Unfortunately, she developed complications during labour and had to have a caesarian delivery. I had not planned for such an eventuality, so you can imagine how shocked I was when I was slammed with a bill of Sh325, 000. That was one of my most trying moments because I didn’t have that kind of money. My friends too had no money to lend me.

I was therefore very thankful when her father came to our rescue and helped me settle the bill.

In a world full of judgmental people, it is not easy for a young father. I think that is the reason most abscond their parental responsibilities - they fear humiliation. I lost many friends during that trying period and made decisions that hurt my family, especially my mother. In retrospect though, I don’t regret the choices I made because they molded me to the person I am today. Growing up, I had an anxiety disorder, and cared too much about what people said or thought of me. That experience taught me to stand up for myself and do what is right regardless of what others said or thought. My parents have since accepted our union and they adore our son.

I advise young couples to have a thorough talk about sex before they engage in it. Before they do it, they need to ensure that they will be able to support a child because a child is very expensive.

***

Benjamin Nyamai

Age: 41

Benjamin was 21 years old when he learnt that he was going to be a father. His wife, then girlfriend, was 20 years old, a form four student at Precious Blood, Kilungu.

“I had nothing to call my own - I lived with my sister and her family in Nairobi as I looked for a job, so the news that I was going to be a father was a hard blow to take. I wasn’t ready to become a father, or a husband. At the time, there was lots of stigma surrounding HIV and AIDS, and yet we did not even talk about it when we decided to become intimate. I loved my girlfriend, whom I had known since primary school, and that was the only thing that mattered at the time,” he says.

When she informed him that she was pregnant, although he was shocked and confused, he assured her that he would support her. His girlfriend’s family was livid, they wanted him arrested and out of their daughter’s life for good.

“It was a very tough time for me. Besides being the talk of the village, her family did not want me anywhere close to her. My parents were more receptive though, and felt that the least I could do was marry her and raise the child at home. Trust me because I am talking from experience, the shame, pressure and animosity that follows when a man decides to take responsibility in such a situation is one of the reasons some shy away from taking responsibility.

For instance, when I visited her, I had to do it secretly to avoid getting into trouble with her parents.”

Eight months after delivery, Benjamin decided to approach her parents and convince them to allow him to marry his girlfriend. She had since completed secondary school and scored an impressive grade B.

“I remember the day I took her to my tiny grass-thatched house in my parents’ homestead. I only had Sh80 in my pocket. I endued many sleepless nights, wondering how I would provide for them, but abandoning them never once crossed my mind.”

Benjamin, who worked as a guard and casual labourer in construction sites in his home area, later got a job as a clerk in an IT company in Nairobi. He doubled up as the tea boy to complement his income, and at the end of every month, would send his wife, who lived in the village, some money.

He had promised his wife, who had had to postpone her dream of going to the university after getting pregnant, that he would ensure that she went back to school so that they could both offer their son a better life.

Being a form four drop out, he knew that he could not get well-paying jobs, so he decided to go back to school, where learnt graphic design.

“In 2005, I graduated with a diploma in graphic design from Stonebic College in Westlands. This earned me a promotion from a clerk to a graphic designer. In 2010, I managed to take my wife to a teachers’ training college. She graduated in 2012. She is a secondary school teacher now. That same year, I graduated from Softglobe Computer College with a diploma in software and hardware support.”

Their firstborn son is at the university, while their second is in secondary school, and the third in primary school.

Drawing from experience, Benjamin feels that there is no excuse for a man, whatever the circumstances, to reject his child or refuse to take responsibility for a pregnancy he knows is his. Financial constraints, he points out, should also not discourage you.

“As a young father, taking care of your child could be an opportunity to discover your potential. Also, it doesn’t mean that your opportunities to succeed or achieve your dreams are lost. It might take a little longer to get there, but you will eventually arrive at that destination you have always desired.