We found ourselves in strangers’ arms

He changed, she changed. Or, I don’t know the person anymore... you have probably heard those lines countless times especially from jilted lovers. However, in many cases, according to psychologists, people don’t change. It is the masks that fall off after they simply get tired of putting on a show.

When that happens in a romantic relationship, it leaves the other person wounded. We have all read accounts of people who have fallen into depression because their relationships did not work.

Others went all the way and committed suicide. Were there some signals that these people could have ignored before being pushed to these extremes?

How about your current relationship? Are there signs to signal that all is not okay? Four individuals walk us through this path of deception and betrayal and how they moved on past it.

Emily Munene

Age: 31 years

Lecturer in Criminology

Emily considers herself as bold and tough, so when he looked straight into her eyes and confessed that he wanted a relationship with her, she believed him.

“I was 28 years and I had known him for more than five years. Furthermore, this was the second time he was asking to go out with me. I, however, requested that he gives me more time,” she explains.

They had started off as platonic friends in 2010 when Emily was in her early twenties and a first-year student at Mount Kenya University.

The man was seven years older.

“After classes, I used to help at my mother’s cafeteria where he was a patron. He seemed to have a good rapport with her so I felt comfortable around him. On many occasions, I would give him an escort as we talked matters law- we both have a professional background in law. One day, he mentioned that he wanted us to be more than friends but I declined as I was committed to my studies. We later lost touch only to reconnect after five years, in 2015,” she offers.

This time, she had already graduated and started working so marriage was one of her-to-do list. She said yes to his request and two years later, something stronger had blossomed.

The man wanted to make an official visit to her parents’ home and make the intentions of marrying her clear.

“By this time, I had introduced him to most of my family members although he hadn’t introduced me to any of his. Having known him since 2010, that should have been the first red alert but I missed it. We set the date for the visit in April this year but at some point, I felt a disconnection –he would ignore my texts and calls in the excuse that he was working hard for us.

At one point, I asked my mother if we should cancel the visit but she suggested that I reach out to him and find out if he still had the event in mind. He responded to the affirmative adding that he had informed his relatives of the same,” she says.

Preparations for the big day commenced and on that material day, Emily says that he called to say that the visit would only last an hour.

“I was surprised when I saw him accompanied by one person, whom he introduced as his cousin. He declared his intentions but deep within me, I was discontented. The recent acts of disappearing on me had left me hurt and as much as we had set a date to visit his parents, which he was quite unenthusiastic about, I felt empty,” she offers and adds,

“After the event, we barely talked and when I approached him in June questioning of his change of behaviour, he became defensive and even called my mother complaining that I was being rude to him. On the same month, I discovered through a friend that he was married and even lived with his family,”

The discovery almost made Emily slip into depression but thankfully, she had a great support system. “My parents stood with me and supported me until I was able to forgive him and move on. Sometimes I look back to all the signs that were glaring me –how he would go mute on me or avoid my calls on particular days but nothing prepared me to such discovery.

I am now a strong woman and I would equalise the heartbreak as the best gift ever received. I have become more resilient when it comes to accepting change, opening up to new people and experiences and facing challenges with dignity.

My advice is that one should never ignore or forget any form of lessons learnt in life. Also, it is essential to pray for your partner. Although my journey hasn’t been easy, I am grateful to the people who’ve stood with me- special heartfelt gratitude to Gitema Kagathi.

Queentah Wambulwa

Age: 22 years

Student, Technical University of Mombasa

“By the time I was joining the university in 2015, I wasn’t one of the typical campus girls- I was living in a fully furnished apartment paid for by my boyfriend. My schoolmates called me the ‘boss lady’ because of the kind of the lifestyle I was leading both in school and on social media platforms. I gained many friends- mostly fake friends,” she says.

She confesses that her parents had disapproved the relationship to the point that they didn’t want her joining campus partly because it was miles away from home and the boyfriend had even offered to meet the tuition fees – to join, it had to take the intervention of close relatives and fellow church members. “I met him while in form three at 17 years old through a friend of mine. At the time, he was 25 years old. I was quite young and naïve and my father’s greatest worry was that I would change from my good character,” she says.

While some people thought that she was there for the money, Queentah refutes and insists that she was a woman in love. “I knew that he had three kids from previous relationships but I still chose to stay- a choice that cost my relationship with my parents. Sometimes I could get threatening messages from the ‘baby mamas’ but his assurances made me stick to him. Furthermore, I was totally new in love – he was my first love,” she explains.

However, for Queentah, the choice to love him, against her parents’ wishes and ignoring the red signs saw her get into drugs and ended up in a rehab centre last year. “In November last year, after dating him for more than five years, I decided to give him a surprise visit- something I hadn’t done before. To my utter dismay, I found him with someone else and even introduced me as his ex-girlfriend to the woman I found him with” she says and adds,

“My world crashed. Most of the friends I had left, and I had to hustle and depend on relatives to meet my various expenses. My sister took me to rehab and a cousin later hosted me,” she explains.

From this harrowing experience, Queentah started a foundation – Girls for Girls Foundation Kenya, a platform to empower girls and women to share their dreams and also help each other go through depression, identity crisis and self-esteem issues.

Robin Otieno

Age: 25 years

Marketer

“In 2013, at the age of 20, I joined Maseno University where I was studying a bachelor of administration, Finance option and graduated last year. While in my first year, I got acquainted with a particular woman and we started dating.

My classmates used to think that ours was the ‘goal’ type of relationship and most even came for relationship advice. The fact that both of us were college students and had no plans to get married - at least not when we were both in school, we settled on celibacy. I was committed to keeping that promise but little did I know that she was sleeping around.

Towards the start of the second year, we started having issues, mostly poor communication and I remember a friend saying that he had seen her in a comprising situation with someone else. I doubted and continued courting her until I found it out for myself.

That was the first time I took alcohol and it became habitual. I was devastated to think that she could do that to me. Even though we had started having misunderstandings, I didn’t see such coming. The worst was that after finding out, she didn’t apologise or try to explain, it is like she was happy that I had made the discovery. I have since moved on past the experience. To this end, one of the biggest lessons I picked from this act of betrayal is to never rush in making decisions. For instance, I started dating her even before I got to know much about her.

Now, I am very cautious when starting a new relationship. Also, it helped me learn the value of friendships because my friends were there for me. One of the advice that I give my male friends is to go for counselling-it doesn’t necessarily have to be professional,” he offers.

Gilbert Katis

Age: 26 years

Job hunting

After being in a relationship for more than one year with a woman he was committed to and envisioned a future together, Gilbert discovered that she was engaged to another man.

“A cousin of mine had introduced me to her. I was 23 years old and she was 20. Then, I had already graduated with a diploma in business administration and I was working as a marketer. On the other hand, she was waiting to join college,” he says.

He describes the first few months of their relationship as blissful. “There were no disagreements, fights or reasons to doubt her. However, that changed when she joined a local college in 2016 where she enrolled for a one-year course,” he explains.

Looking back, the poor communication from her end and new friends that she visited occasionally should have signalled him that all was not well but these are signs that he overlooked. “I loved her and thought that the feeling was mutual. We even shared dreams of where to live and when to make our relationship official to both of our parents,” he says.

However, that was never to materialise. On her graduation day, Gilbert made one mistake that cost the relationship but also revealed to him the true colours of the person he was involved in.

“I called expressing regret that I wasn’t going to attend the function due to work issues and it occurred to me later that another man accompanied her. From the photos she had shared on her social media platforms, I knew that something was going on between them – we talked over it and moved on.

However, our meetings drastically reduced. She started having one too many ‘girl meetings’ but it still never occurred to me that something was amiss.

As if it happened yesterday, Gilbert explains it in details, often pausing to catch a breath, of the events that took place on a particular Saturday afternoon last year that left his world in darkness.

“We were playing music from her phone when a message popped up. Another man, saved as ‘hubby’ wanted to know of her whereabouts. I sat there, stiff and at loss on what to do. All this while, I never knew that she was engaged and I was her illicit lover. I have never felt so betrayed,” he offers.

Gilbert slipped into alcohol for solace but a friend whom he had confided in took him for counselling. “Even then, it wasn’t easy to move past what had happened.

For some period, I tried new relationships but they didn’t work as I was still hurting. However, currently, I am in a healthy relationship that is founded in trust, open communication and honesty.

One of the greatest lessons I picked from that failed relationship is that for every relationship to thrive, it has to be founded in trust and open communication. Also, when you notice any change in your partner, learn to talk it out before it’s too late. Above all, learn to forgive.

***

According to Josephine Kinya Abincha, a counselling psychologist and addiction expert, a standard definition of the term stranger is a person that one is unfamiliar with.

“When it comes to the subject of love, you ought to treat your acquaintances or friends with this premise before you start dating, which means that one has a lot of homework to do.

Dating is a very critical phase of a relationship especially if one is considering a suitor or a life partner. It is in this strength as a counsellor that I highly recommend dating counselling.

It is important to note that people get into relationships for various reasons – while some people get into one for companionship and marriage, there are those who get into relationships for self-gain.

Have you ever wondered why we have many ‘baby daddies’ and ‘baby mamas’ around? Before you get too engrossed in a relationship, it is necessary that you ask your mate pertinent questions such as the following:

1. Where do you work, live, with who, education background, their attitude towards money and children?

2. What are you like when you don’t get what you want?

3. Are you religious or spiritual?

4. When you feel disconnected from your partner, what do you do to get connected again?

Even as you progress in the relationship, you need to continue asking questions and taking note of the red signs.

They include but not limited to poor communication, constant unavailability of your partner, refusal for introductions to friends and families among others.

The importance of reaching out to a therapist is that they help you to navigate through the process so that you don’t end up wasting your time beating a dead horse.

They will also help you to deal with your personal baggage that stems from past experiences or one’s upbringing.

Through this, one is able to deal with issues such as anger, mistrust, insecurity and narcissism among others,” she advises.