What next when your closest friends desert you?

Attaining certain milestones in our social and professional lives comes with dramatic changes. As we scale up the ladder of our careers and our circumstances change, we meet new people, establish new networks and we even start to hang out at different places.

Dating, marriage and children all influence how we relate with our friends. Earlier relationships are quickly replaced by fresh acquaintances. Our conversations, lifestyle and priorities change.

As time goes by, it becomes increasingly difficult to keep in touch with our former associates. While our former friends may feel ignored and left out, we often feel that it is not our fault that things have changed the way they have.

But what happens when we are the ones feeling overlooked by our friends because of their changed circumstances? How do we deal with this sense of loss? Does it affect how we relate with them?

JUDY AKOTH, 27

DATA SPECIALIST, AFRICA 118

“I have lost touch with most of my college female friends who are now married with children. I am not in a serious relationship at the moment, yet I have attended my friends’ bridal showers, baby showers and engagement parties. Of the many friends I had in college, I find it easier to hang out with the male ones who are yet to start families and have fewer responsibilities. Some of my closest friends got opportunities to advance their studies while the rest of us chose to look for jobs and pursue further studies later. Our bond weakened and later dissolved. We are hardly in touch anymore.

Since I work from Monday to Friday, a night out is what would possibly bring us together, but my married girlfriends rarely have time to meet due to family-related responsibilities. Our schedules clash a lot, and planning a road trip like we often did when we were all single is now next to impossible. I am a very extroverted person and love to travel and have fun, yet during weekends, I am forced to stay indoors since everyone I know is either babysitting or attending family-related functions. Sometimes I feel lost, sucked into my job and hopeless.

The number of friends I have has also dramatically reduced. It is frightening how life changes after school. The friends I spent my adolescence with and had similar interests have changed, so I have had to make new acquaintances with shared interests and aspirations. I am thankful for where I am, after all, there are peers who are still jobless years after leaving college and some whose relationships and families are going through difficulty.

I would like to get married and have children one day when the time is right, but I am not in a hurry to do so. Even though I am under pressure from my family who want me get married soon, I cannot make that kind of investment just to fit in. Growth occurs in different ways and at different stages for different people. It is unfair to expect peers to marry and have children at the same time.”

WANJA KIONGO, 19

STUDENT, CHUKA UNIVERSITY

“I currently do not have a boyfriend, but almost all my friends at university are dating. At first, I was excited about the prospect of being in a relationship and even got into one even though I was not ready for it.

My friends’ priorities have since changed. While we would meet after our classes and hang out, now they prefer to be with their boyfriends, who they party with during the weekend. I am now mostly left out in nearly all the group activities where I previously featured. I now stay indoors most of the time. We are still friends, but the connection is not as strong as it used to be. Also, we rarely talk, and only do it on a need basis, such as when we have school-related group discussions.

There are no hard feelings between us though, we are just not as compatible as we were before. Unlike before, I am motivated to make new friends – I have realised that the isolation has made me to loosen up a bit.

That my friends have boyfriends does not make me feel inadequate in any way. I felt somehow incomplete before. When discussions about love and relationships come up though, I contribute very little, since what I know is based on my experience from my previous relationship, otherwise I simply listen as my friends tell their stories. It is awkward, but I have learnt to tolerate it.

What defines our relationship now is our shared aspirations, such as academic and career goals. In terms of support, I don’t feel I get much of it from them. I now prefer to have a small circle of friends mostly made up of family and people who are unlikely to desert me for whatever reason.”

MERCY WAHATA, 26

TEACHER

“I have had highs and lows in all my friendships from childhood, through school to my adult life. I am the type of person who builds very strong networks that I can turn to even when I need emotional support. This has at times made me look very clingy. In the past, I have been devastated when my relationships ended for various reasons.

When my best friend in college got a girlfriend, for instance, I felt isolated. We used to hang out most of the time and shared a lot about our lives. Enter his girlfriend and our relationship suddenly changed. Someone else had taken away from me the time we would spend together. I was devastated because he was the only person I could open up to about my fears. I felt betrayed. It was a struggle trying to salvage the friendship because we saw less and less of each other as time went by. I am a believer of genuine friendship, and felt I was not getting a good deal from the friendship. I thought of ending it on a number of occasions, but I did not, which is fortunate because this friendship has survived to date.

After high school, my closest friend’s family relocated overseas. At first, we did our best to stay in touch, but as time went by, it became difficult to remain in touch because of our changed circumstances. The friendship soon became dormant.

I was in a very close-knit circle of friends at university. Soon after we graduated, some of my friends got jobs while I struggled to find a place. This affected our friendship. Since I had a lot of time in my hands, it was easier for me to call and text them occasionally. While I understood they were busy at work, I also felt that they were not making an effort to reach out to me. It got to a point where I felt I was a bother to them.

You want the best for your friends. It is encouraging when they get their breakthrough socially and professionally, but watching them thrive while you remain in the same position is not a good feeling. It is easy to feel as if the universe is conspiring against you. Everyone desires to be at par with their peers.

Recently, a good friend got into a serious relationship and around the same time, I got a job offer in a different town. We started seeing less of each other and the dynamics of our conversations changed significantly. We also started to disagree more often. She looked at life through the prism of her relationship while my work commitments dictated how much time I could spare for our friendship. We have come to within a breaking point a number of times. Thankfully, we are intent on holding onto our friendship, which is more important than our diverse interests and priorities.

In the past, I have lost both superficial and profound relationships due to a clash of ideas and ideals. A friendship is a give-and-take arrangement; therefore, I do not hesitate to walk away from unhealthy friendships that only take away from me. I also try to save special relationships that have built me. I believe that a friendship can withstand any storm and the test of time as long as your beliefs and views are aligned.”

RONO CHONGINIO, 23

JOURNALIST

“At one point, I struggled to get by while all my closest friends had jobs and had their professional lives figured out. It was very awkward for me because whenever they talked about their jobs, I had nothing to contribute.

Nothing is more disturbing than to be in an ill-fitting friendship. There was no common ground between us. While it pained me to watch my friends flourish, it also motivated me to strive to improve my situation. I did not let my shortcomings dampen my desire to attain my goals. That situation also taught me that relationships should be anchored on similar goals. We are still friends, but I am wiser now.

I have learnt that if a friendship collapses soon after circumstances change, it was fake friendship. If people only come into your life when your star is shining, only to disappear when your fortunes dwindle, such friends do not deserve you. I am better off without friends if what I bring to the table is all that matters.

Would I sacrifice a friendship to pursue my own interests? Selfish as it is, I would. If losing some friends is the price I have to pay to realise my goals, then so be it. That said, it depends on the premise upon which the friendship is built. I wouldn’t sacrifice family or intimate friends, for instance. I would strive to keep up with them whenever I lag behind. It is invaluable to have people who do not judge or isolate you based on how well or badly you are doing.

Friends play a huge role in shaping who we become but since I now know what I want in life, my friendships are strictly grounded on purpose and shared endeavours. Past experiences have taught me to choose only friends that are honest and have positive energy.”

TONNY NDUNG’U, 27

JOURNALIST

“I have been a victim of isolation by people I thought were true friends. My former college mates got better jobs, made new friends and acquired new tastes after they started earning good money. They also started hanging out with their new-found friends at different joints.

Our once vibrant relationship is now dormant. Our conversations have also changed, and now all they talk about are the expensive ventures they are involved in. This pushed me to the periphery of the circle. Today, we only get in touch when we bump into one another in town.

My other set of friends frequented the finest restaurants and boutiques in town. Whenever we met, they would all show up in big cars while I arrived later in my modest car. It seemed like a competition about who was doing better than who. Sometimes they would invite me to hang out, mostly out of the guilt of leaving me out. Each time, I feared I might not be able to keep up with their money-splashing habits.

It was even more embarrassing whenever someone offered to foot my bill when we ate at an expensive joint because it was mostly done out of pity. Also, it made me nervous when they started to make a comparison of our lives now and when we were starting out in our careers. It might not have been deliberate, but sometimes I got the impression that they were looking down on me because I had not accomplished as much as they had.

I made new friends at the first company I worked for, but even these relationships were affected when I joined a different company. My former colleagues became busier to an extent that our joint activities faded out.

To my surprise, I was recently removed from a certain WhatsApp group where friends were planning a vacation to Bali (Indonesia). No one thought I could raise the amount that was required, especially since it was on a short notice. The isolation had never been clearer. In such groups, the person with the biggest check has the biggest say in how group affairs are run, and everyone listens when they speak.”

At first, it was difficult for me to adjust to life without the people I considered to be my closest friends, gradually though, I am getting used to it.