Why we don't date our peers

Many young women, those in their twenties, say that they find it difficult to have meaningful relationships with men their age, and therefore gravitate towards older men. PHOTO| FOTOSEARCH

What you need to know:

  • Having witnessed the emotional turmoil that her friends were going through in the hands of their male peers, Rose resolved to date older men.
  • Once, she says, she dated an age mate, a decision she terms a “huge mistake”.

Many young women, those in their twenties, say that they find it difficult to have meaningful relationships with men their age, and therefore gravitate towards older men.

Why is this?

Rose Nduta
Age: 27 years
(HER EX WANTED AN OPEN RELATIONSHIP)

Rose considers herself a straight-forward person who tells it like it is.

There’s no beating about the bush for her. Of the qualities she looks for in a partner therefore, honesty tops the list.

Rose Nduta during the interview at Nation Centre on Tuesday, February 19, 2019 PHOTO| DENNIS ONSONGO.

“I was 20 when I began to entertain the idea of dating, soon enough though, I realised that men my age were not honest with me – it was the same case with my friends who were dating, they too complained of dishonesty - most of the young men they were in a relationship with were not willing to commit to one woman,” she says.

Having witnessed the emotional turmoil that her friends were going through in the hands of their male peers, Rose resolved to date older men.

“Most of my male friends are my age mates, but when it comes to an intimate relationship, I want a man who is focused, one that has solid plans for the future, qualities I don't see in most of my male peers. They want to party, have multiple girlfriends and waste money on unnecessary items. As a woman who is ambitious and keen on progressing in her career, I need a serious man who is also goal-driven.”
Once, she says, she dated an age mate, a decision she terms a “huge mistake”.
“It turned out to be a bad decision because while I was focused on our future together, he was still unsure and unsettled, and unknown to me, was seeing other women on the side.”

Once, she says, this ex sent her a chart showing varieties of intimate relationships and asked if they could be in an open relationship, (where partners agree that each may have a sexual relationship with others).

That is when it dawned on her that she was the only one who valued the relationship.

Rose is now in a relationship with a man who is much older than she is.

“What I like most about him is that from the onset of our relationship, he was clear about what he wanted - he told me that he wanted a relationship that would lead to marriage.”
This is not all that she likes about him,
“The fact that he's much older, I find conversations with him more resourceful and his advice well thought-out and practical.”
“Some believe that I am with an older man because I want an established man with money, but it's far from the truth. I am not materialistic, my decision to date an older man was influenced by the fact that I wanted someone I could connect with and be able to sit down and make plans for the future with.”

Wambui Ngige
Age: 27 years
(SHE DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHY A MAN HER AGE WOULD STILL BE LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS)

“I have dated within my age group, but the relationship often felt as if I was in a competition,” she says, and adds.

Wambui Ngige during the interview at Nation Centre on Monday, February 18, 2019. PHOTO| DENNIS ONSONGO.


“I am a lawyer by profession, unfortunately, my choice of career has been used against me by my ex-boyfriends, who were more or less the same age as I was. For instance, if I suggested something or made my stand known about a certain topic, they would accuse me of arguing just because I was studying law – ‘Lawyers like arguing’ they would often say.”
Wambui believes that her exes felt intimidated by the career she had chosen and the fact that she is a feminist. She has since drawn a boundary, she does not date men her age, they are strictly friends who she hangs out with.
Financial stability is one of the qualities she looks for in a potential partner, but, she says, this quality alone is not enough, she also prefers a man who is at least four years older than her, older men, she feels, have their priorities right.
“Several times, I have come across men my age who are well established in their careers and therefore earning a good income, however, most don’t think about investing in income generating projects or purchasing assets. They mostly think about clubbing and how to use money as a bait to get women.”
Her peers of the opposite sex, she adds, are “especially slow in decision-making and are incapable of offering good advice.”
“My interaction with older men has revealed to me that there is more to a relationship than what my age mates offer. To begin with, older men are not intimidated by my career and are often ready to offer solid advice on various issues.”
She adds that from experience and from what she has gathered from some of her women friends, most men her age are petty too.
“For instance, if he calls you and you inform him that you are unable to chat because you are busy at work, they are offended and conclude that you don’t consider them a priority.”
She also feels that most are not serious about progressing.
“I moved out of home when I was 18 years because I wanted to chart my own path as soon as possible, so you can understand why I am not amused when I get hit on by men who still live in their parents’ homes. I once dated one who wanted to move in with me.
He explained that he wanted to ‘start a life and build a future with me’ when what he really wanted was for me to take care of him and meet his expenses - such men want comfort but they don’t want to work for it,” she concludes.
Wambui is not in a relationship, and when she gets into one, she says that it will be with a man who is at least in his early thirties.
“I have reached a point where, even though I would like to get married, I do not regard marriage as an achievement, so it is not a priority for me. What I am focused on right now is my career and investing in my future.”

Mika Ahalya
Age: 29 years
(YOUNGER MEN ARE IN IT FOR A GOOD TIME)

Mika Ahalya during the interview at Nation Centre on Sunday, February 17, 2019. PHOTO| DENNIS ONSONGO.

“Conversations around who to date are often compounded with different perceptions. For instance, some might assume that I grew up without fatherly love, hence the reason I prefer a relationship with older men. This is far from the truth though,” she says, and clarifies,
“I don’t have daddy issues. In fact, I have a wonderful relationship with my father and brother. Also, most of my friends are men in my age group - I just cannot date them though.”
Why? We ask.
“Most are at a point in their lives where they are still trying to figure themselves out in terms of their career paths and who to settle down with.”
This indecisiveness on the kind of woman they want for a life partner puts her off.
“I also find them to be in it just for a good time. For instance, a man will get into a relationship with me because he admires the fact that I am ambitious and a go-getter. He forgets that just like everyone else, I have my tough days. When these tough days come calling however, he doesn’t want to be part of them,” She says.
If she were to compare the benefits of dating her age mates to older men, the latter would carry the day.
“The good thing about being in a relationship with older men is the fact that most of them have seen it all - the challenges, the fears - and have been in situations where they dealt with issues such as unemployment. By old, I don’t mean ‘sponsors’ or married men, but someone who is secure and certain about what he wants.
“I once eavesdropped on a conversation that one of my ex-boyfriends was having with his brothers. They were talking about their ideal woman - I didn’t fit the description he gave – why was he with me then? Other times I would catch him ogling at other women yet he was in my company. Thinking back, I almost lost my mind. I just didn’t feel confident about myself - sometimes a boyfriend would make me think that I was too skinny and then I would get into another relationship and the new boyfriend would make me feel as if I was too fat.”
Another trait she notes in peers of the opposite sex is immaturity.
“I believe that women ought to be submissive to their men, but it is hard to submit to a man who loses his temper whenever you have a disagreement, someone who over analyses everything or doesn’t want to commit.” She adds, “I am a mother of one and have another on the way. I have gone through a lot, and know what works and what doesn’t when it comes to relationships.”
There are those who have questioned her relationship choices. “Some people in my social circle wonder why I would rather be single than date an agemate, but at the end of the day, what counts is being able to derive happiness from the choices I make. I am okay with friends who date their agemates and my male friends are content with just being friends, perhaps because I am vocal about my preferences,” She says.

Wakarura Ngugi
Age: 28 years
(THERE IS MORE TO LIFE THAN CLUBBING)

Wakarura Irungu during the interview at Nation Centre on Monday, February 18, 2019. PHOTO| DENNIS ONSONGO.

Wakarura prefers to date men who are, at least, in their mid-thirties.
“I am at a stage where, even though I am not yet financially stable, I have too much going on for myself to allow drama to derail me. Most men my age are all about clubbing and throwing unnecessary parties. My last three attempts at relationships have been with men who wanted to either go to the club or come over to my house. They were not open for coffee or dinner dates where we could sit and have heart-to-heart conversations. There is more to life than clubbing.”
She adds,
“I am ambitious and I know the direction I want my career path to take and what I need to get there. From experience, many male friends of a similar age seem not to know the direction they want their life to take, in fact, my former boyfriends didn’t have proper future plans.”
She also feels that they are territorial – they want to know where you are all the time, what you are up to and who you are with.
“I am a lawyer, and my work is so engaging, sometimes, I don’t even get time to go out for lunch. I need a partner who understands that I cannot be available all the time.”
She adds that she is at a point where she is questioning the entire concept of marriage - is there a right time to get married? Does one have to get married to be seen as making progress in life?
“Many wonder why I am not yet married. I have been single for a long time and treasure the peace I enjoy in my own company - I am not in a relationship mainly because I haven’t met my ideal partner.”
She clarifies that her rigidity on who to date does not mean that she does not find her male peers worthy.
“My preference does not mean that I don’t respect them, far from it. They are my friends and colleagues, people that I share concerns about life with - I just don’t want to date them.”