ASK HR: My workmates might think that I am having an affair with this married man

Q. A married colleague who had travelled out of the country on a working trip brought me an expensive-looking bar of chocolate – another colleague witnessed him giving it to me. I was surprised because we’re not exactly close.

I am afraid that my co-workers will think we’re having an affair, how do I convince them that I am not?

Besides expressing uncertainty concerning the intentions of the colleague who gave you a gift that you consider somewhat misaligned with the relationship you share with him, you seem anxious that the gesture could misrepresent reality and undermine your reputation in the office.

While in the absence of a clear accompanying statement it can sometimes be difficult to fathom the intentions of an individual who offers a gift, surrounding circumstances could help to distinguish between the impulses of ordinary goodwill and signals that surpass the perimeter of mere camaraderie.

Did he bring similar chocolates for other colleagues or only for you? Did he bring gifts for colleagues with whom he is close? What kind of conversation accompanied the gift?

Could he have been expressing his partialities for you? Supposing no-one witnessed the gesture, what impact would the gift have had on you? Did you let him know that you have qualms concerning the gesture?

You are right that colleagues might think you have a special relationship with your colleague especially if you are the only one who received the gift. Your colleagues might not, however, based on how they have known you, take this isolated gesture to represent the totality of your relationship with the bearer of your gift.

Why should they readily pounce on this conclusion? As long as there is nothing underhand, the truth will be apparent with time, even if it is preceded by some impertinent gossip. It may not serve a great purpose to declare to all colleagues that there was nothing to the chocolate.

While you cannot determine the perceptions others have of you, it is important to speak to your colleague about your concerns, live in accordance with the norms applicable to your work environment and also avoid situations that can be easily misinterpreted.

Nevertheless, concern yourself more with how you lead your life than with what others imagine. As Abraham Lincoln put it, ‘Character is like a tree and reputation like a shadow.

The shadow is what we think of it; the tree is the real thing.’