So, how sure are you that you’re in a relationship?

The question we are asking this week is, when is a relationship, a relationship? PHOTO | FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • Is it important that the young man, or woman, voice the fact that he or she is interested in being in a relationship with you, and in turn you accept for the two of you to officially become girlfriend and boyfriend?
  • Or are relationships officially cemented after the first three or so dates even if nothing is voiced?
  • We had a chat with young people who have been in such a situation.

A mutual interest normally sparks it – maybe a shared class or a shared hometown, sometimes a chance meeting during a mutual friend’s party.

Then boy and girl go on and become friends. Some become very good friends, and start calling each other often, have meals together and take lots of selfies as they do.

With such a scenario in mind, where boundaries are not clear, either one or both resort to assumption, the assumption that the other person is romantically interested in them. In many situations, relationships morph out of interactions such as these.

The question we are asking this week is, when is a relationship, a relationship?

Is it important that the young man, or woman, voice the fact that he or she is interested in being in a relationship with you, and in turn you accept for the two of you to officially become girlfriend and boyfriend? Or are relationships officially cemented after the first three or so dates even if nothing is voiced?

We had a chat with young people who have been in such a situation.

We also sought the views of a neutral voice to give perspective into why speaking up and making your intentions known is important.

 

Victoria Wanjeri, 22

Student, Kenyatta University

Victoria went out with a guy that she met in university for almost three years, but because he never asked her to be his girlfriend, she assumed he was just another good friend.

“We used to hang out, spend a lot of time together and even go on dates. He would buy me gifts on my birthday and we often had long conversations on phone about things that mattered to us, though the subject of love or relationships never came up. To me, therefore, he was just a good friend,” she says.

Victoria, worried that he would think she was reading too much in his friendly gestures, remained silent and waited to see if he would one day ask her to be his girlfriend because she liked him.

He did not.

In the course of this friendship, she met someone else, who asked her to be his girlfriend. She accepted and totally friend-zoned the first guy. Soon after this, the first guy called to ask her if they could chill out over the weekend, but since she had a date with her boyfriend, she told him that she was not available.

 “When I explained that I had a date with my boyfriend, he got upset and cut me off for about a month. Things between us just became awkward after that. Much later, he opened up and told me that he thought that since we had been hanging out a lot together, and that I always replied to his texts, we were boyfriend and girlfriend,” she says. Victoria does not believe that she was at fault because this friend never told her anything that indicated he wanted to date her – he had all the time he needed to let her know how he felt about her. Had he, she would have said yes because he was a good man. 

“He was friendly and kind, but that could have been his nature, which came through with everybody that he interacted with,” she adds. 

Victoria believes that a relationship interest has to be voiced and accepted by the other person, it cannot just be assumed.

 

Ongangu Kavehi, 24

Freelance Cameraman/Editor

Kavehi met her in a club, and before he realised what was happening, they had moved in together.

“We clicked immediately, and seemed to like each other. I was lonely, so her interest in me was welcome. That evening, when we met for the first time, her bill was on me, and I gladly paid it. And so our journey began, but perhaps on the wrong footing,” he narrates.

Within a short time, he realised that he liked her as a friend. He admits that the fact that he met her in a club influenced him to not consider her for a long-term relationship, and that is why, he explains, he did not feel the need to tell her where their relationship stood.

After their initial meeting, they spent lots of time together, and though he could tell that she was really into him, he knew that his attraction for her would be short-lived. But he did not want to break her heart, so when she suggested that they move in together, he accepted, but only because he needed company. Deep down, he knew he did not love her, but he kept this to himself.

“I take some responsibility for misleading her into believing that we had a relationship because of the dinners that we had and the gifts that I got her,” he says.

Defending himself, he says that it is not easy to face a girl and tell her that you are not interested in a relationship if she has fallen for you.

They eventually separated.

“A man should only voice his interest in a woman only when he is certain that they are a match,” he says.

 

***

Daisy Lumumba, 22

Student, Zetech University

She met him through a WhatsApp group in August 2017.

“A friend sent me a link to this group and I joined. It was just a random social group which anyone could join,” she says.

New members were expected to introduce themselves and share their pictures in the spirit of getting to know one another. Her main interest in this man was that they came from the same village, and so had lots to share about their roots.

They moved from chatting in the WhatsApp group to direct messaging and eventually met for lunch, and then dinner. With time, they were spending lots of weekends together.

“Last December, he even introduced me to his mother and brother during the Christmas holiday,” she says.

Unknown to her, this guy already considered her his girlfriend although they had not had any conversation regarding this.

“Then one day, I put up a picture of my boyfriend on my WhatsApp status, something that upset him a lot, since he did not know that I had a boyfriend. His friends, who I learnt he had told that I was his girlfriend, confronted me to express their displeasure at what I had “done” to him.”

“If he had asked me to be his girlfriend, I would have told him that I had a boyfriend. The fact that he never asked or said anything motivated me to treat him as that good friend who calls you whenever he or she is in town,” she explains.

She however feels a little guilty for perhaps leading him on and hurting his feelings because he was very good to her and supported her.

“I wish he had expressed his feelings. I think that it is important that guys say it if they are romantically interested in a girl,” she concludes.

They were eventually able to mend their friendship, but they are not as close as they were before.

 

***

Anthony Kanja, 27

Writer, Life Today Magazine

Student, Kenyatta University

After a month of befriending a classmate while in college, Anthony was ready to declare his intentions, but something stopped him.

“We were in class together and chatted often, and with time, I grew to like her. She liked me too. Just when I was about to officially ask her to be my girlfriend, it occurred to me that she had certain qualities that I did not like, so I changed my mind, but we remained friends,” he says.

They were such close friends, many in their circles believed they were a couple.

“She had the qualities that suited friendship better, rather than an intimate relationship, so rather than losing a valuable friendship by starting a relationship that ran the risk of failing, I decided to choose friendship instead,” he explains.

Today, three years after they both graduated, they are still good friends, and even meet up for lunch every once in a while. Anthony says that the chances of him asking her to be his girlfriend are slim.

“Apart from the fact that there are certain things I am worried about, I feel that a lot of water has gone under the bridge, and it would be awkward to ask her to be my girlfriend now,” he says.

For Anthony, dispensing the feelings he had for his friend was easy because he realised it was really just a crush that he had on her and whatever else was left, he used logic to deal with it.

Their friendship though, is very valuable to him.

He believes that if you’re interested in someone, you should speak up and let them know sooner, rather than later.

“Waiting too long to speak can work against you,” he concludes.

 

***

Nyakarura Mbogo, 21

Nyakarura met him at a party at a friend’s house. She liked him, and he seemed to like her too because he was constantly in touch, chatting her up most day and generally involving her in his daily plans. She was sure that this friendship would soon mutate into a relationship.

“He started by taking me to the theatre for a movie on my birthday. We then regularly went out for dates after that and he even introduced me to his sister,” she says.

For Nyakarura, these were signs that this good-looking young man was interested in having a relationship with her. After their first kiss, she allowed herself to fall in love. And then things changed.

“He suddenly started acting cold. He would ignore my texts and even snob me,” she says.

This dragged on for close to a year until she gathered the courage to ask him to tell her straight up if what they had was a relationship or not.

“He was evasive and later posted a picture of a girl on his WhatsApp display photo - that was how I knew nothing ever existed between us in the first place and that he already had a girlfriend,” she says.

Nyakarura advices against building expectations too fast when you meet someone. Or assume you’re in a relationship just because a man is being nice to you.

“It is also important that expectations are clearly spelt out to avoid investing in a non-existent relationship,” she says.

 

***

Daudi Gicheru, 40

Daudi got married to his college sweetheart 13 years ago. He attends International Christian Center (ICC church) where he is an active member in a cyclists’ group known as Extra Milers. The group is primarily made up of single women and men. He is our neutral voice in this conversation.

Daudi met his wife when they were both in their first year at Kenyatta University. They met in a performing arts group and grew to like each other.

“With time, we started to exclusively show affection to each other. Many of our friends concluded that we were dating, but we had really not said anything to each other,” he says.

Later, they both attended a summer semester and it was during this time that Daudi’s wife assured him that she was aware of his interest in her.

“She told me that I was safe and that the relationship we had was important to her. That gave me the confidence to officially state my interest in her about six or seven months into our friendship,” he says.

 

Is it important that young men voice their desire to be in a relationship with a woman once they feel that they have met the right woman?

Yes, it is very important to let the other person know what your interest in the relationship is. Young men need to speak out and voice what they really want because women have no other way of knowing for sure what the guy’s interest in them is. Gifts, treats and so on are very good relational cues, but the only foolproof way that will tell the women whether you want to date her is if you actually say it. There is also the risk of reading too much into the relational cues in case the man is really just being a good friend with no other interest in you.

 

Are there situations when voicing is not very important?

At the end of the day, intentions in a serious relationship have to be voiced, otherwise it remains casual. If the intention is a casual or exploratory relationship, then voicing may not be important. In this case however, it is important to be careful with showing affection, giving gifts and taking her out in case she reads too much into it.

 

What dynamics do you think come into play in the decision to voice or not to voice an interest?

I find that a many men let known their intentions only when the woman gives an ultimatum. The fear of rejection is what makes men hold back, and instead of asking, they try to read the non-verbal cues from the woman to estimate whether or not they will be rejected, yet these may be difficult to read.

 

Is there a role that the woman can play in making the voicing easier for the man?

If she realises that she is the sole recipient of a man’s attention and gifts, she should do either one of two things: One, if she feels this is a relationship she would want to be in, she should assure the man that she acknowledges and accepts his interest.

Two, if she feels this is not a relationship she would want to be in, the right thing to do would be to thank the guy for his interest but let him know she is not ready for a relationship. Being silent and accepting the attention and gifts may be seen as accepting to be part of a relationship.

 

Do you generally believe that it is harder for men to ask girls out in this age?

I think it is, and this is why.

Men fear that women are looking for established guys in careers or business, yet the fact is that a big majority of young men are just starting out.

Many relationships that they may see around them tend to be dominated by the woman, which makes them shy away from voicing their intentions or assume that the woman should take the lead by voicing her feelings first.

Lack of male role models/mentors. Mentoring young men about how to navigate the relationships landscape has to be done very deliberately, which in many cases does not happen.