“My horrible experiences with men will not fell me”

Susan Miano, 32, tells Florence Bett Kinyatti about her struggle to find inner peace after three attempted rape experiences and being left at the altar.

“Before getting engaged to my fiancé in 2015, I hated men. I had hated them since I was in college because three of them had attempted to rape me.

“The first attempt was in 2007. I was 21, living in Nakuru with my aunt who was sponsoring my college tuition fees; she was very close to my mum and had been supportive since my father’s passing.

The man who attempted to rape me was an older distant cousin who had come to stay the night; he had a wife and three kids. He ambushed me in the morning after my aunt had left, as I was getting out of the shower to go to my bedroom to dress.

I was able to fight him off but he told me never to tell anyone. I was so shaken I didn’t know what to do or whom to turn to.

“The second attempt was in 2009. It happened in the office of a friend who had promised to get me a job but only if I was willing to give him ‘something’ in return. I tricked him into believing I had consented and when his guard was down, I bolted out of that office as if it was on fire.

“The third second attempt – and the most poignant – was an uncle in late 2010. He was a respected pastor and he too had offered to pay my tuition fees for my second degree. I moved into his two-bedroom house in Githurai 44 in Nairobi; we lived with a male cousin. He even got me a small job while I waited for school to open in a few months.

One Saturday, when my cousin was away, my uncle attempted to take his own life with rat poison because his estranged wife wanted custody of their son, or so he said.

TALKED HIM OUT OF IT

It was around 1am. I tearfully talked him out of it and we prayed then returned to our respective bedrooms. I had a bad feeling so I changed out of my nightdress into a pair of trousers and t-shirt.

“I went back to sleep but startled awake about an hour later when I heard him shouting in the living room. He told me he was ready to do all the evils he had never done in this world.

The look in his face was the deathly look of evil – his red eyes had popped out, nostrils flaring, sweat dripping down his brow. I shivered because I knew he meant rape; I was a virgin, still am. He charged into my room and pinned me to the bed, he was grunting like a wild animal on heat – rough, unrecognisable, ugly.

I was so terrified my screams stuck in my throat. I pleaded with him to stop but he fought me back. I finally gave up and lay still, told him to do whatever he wanted.

“I prayed – first it was a soft whisper then my voice rose to a powerful fearlessness. My uncle suddenly stopped and went down on his knees. He cried and asked for my forgiveness.

I moved out of his house the next day and lived with friends before returning home to my mum in Nakuru.

“These episodes left me bitter. I blamed myself, I wondered if I had done or said something to lead them on. Maybe it was the way I dressed or behaved? Was I naive and too trusting? I felt guilty, abused and rejected.

“In Nakuru, I got a job as primary school teacher and focused on strengthening my faith. Being in church replenished my parched soul. In late 2014, I transferred schools and relocated to Naivasha. My heart by this time was softening to men and opening up to love. That’s the year I met my would-be fiancé. He was a patient and caring gentleman who treated me like his queen. We courted for six months before he proposed. I joyfully said yes!

“In the midst of this euphoria, we set dates for our families to meet and even set a wedding date, August 27, 2016. The traditional visits went well; spears were planted, dowry exchanged, hands laid on our heads in blessing, wedding plans began in earnest. It was a beautiful feeling – I loved him and I couldn’t wait to live in eternal matrimony with him!

“My dream cracked about three months before the wedding. My fiancé unexpectedly went quiet on our friends and me, and moved back home. I later learnt from his mum that he’d lost his job and was muscling his way through a difficult emotional state. I didn’t understand – what was to become of me and the wedding we’d almost finished planning?

“I started the painful – and embarrassing – process of sending money from our fundraisings back and cancelling with invitees. I returned into my old painful shell but I didn’t want to live in that dark place again, so I sought the help of a professional counsellor and openly shared my experiences with people I trusted. Sharing unburdened my soul.

“I took a year to focus on myself. I found healing when I searched within and forgave – first I forgave myself, then I forgave my fiancé, and all the men that had hurt me. I now speak to girls in high school to empower them. “