Open relationships are not for the faint-hearted

When the day comes for you to be honest with yourself, you cannot pretend that you did not see it coming. That day, you will be lying in bed, watching her; she is seated naked at the edge of her bed texting. The light coming from the window washes her into a silhouette. You watch as she gets lost to her phone, a smile forming at the corner of her lips. The meme video she is watching comes to an end, and when she turns and catches you staring, she asks, “What’s on your mind?”

“Nothing,” you lie.

“Oh come on, be honest.”

And you wished she hadn’t done that - asked you to be honest. Because that is exactly what is bothering you. Honesty. The entire concept of it.

“Listen, Emma,” you begin. And she puts aside her smartphone because nothing good has ever followed you calling her by her full name. “I do not think this is going to work.”

“This what?”

“Us.”

You see, all this time, you have been thinking about how to explain to her that you want to open up this relationship. You have dogged on most of your past relationships. And for those that you didn’t cheat on, it wasn’t because of love. Rather, the desire to keep a promise you made. You tell her that faithfulness - to you - has little to do with not having sex with someone else.

Of course she will not understand. Not at first. Most likely, she will hate you because why did you have to bring it up just after being intimate. She will ask you something along the lines of, “Is that what you were thinking about? Were you thinking about another woman when you were with me?”

If you are an idiot, you will say, “You are missing the point, Emma.” Then after that, the conversation will not go anywhere else other than south.

NOT ENOUGH

But let’s think about it for a second. This whole concept of having an open relationship. The whole idea behind it is that instead of skanking around - seeing other girls in secret - why not just put your cards on the table and say, “I’d rather be honest here. I can stand on top of the world and tell the whole world that I love you from the poetry of my heart, and I will mean it. But I cannot insult this special thing we have and lie to you that you are the only woman I will ever find attractive. So can we talk about it?”

I can bet you all of my inheritance that the first thing your girl will think of when she hears those words is am I not enough? Even if they do not voice it, they are thinking it. And who can blame her? That’s all she hears everywhere.

She wants to hear:

You are the only one. Never, ‘you are the ones.’ You complete me. Never, ‘You all complete me.’ Ati she is my better half. Halves can only be a pair, fam. It is a relationship, not high school bread that is split into quarters.

This kind of arrangement is nothing strange, at least not these days. I know the geezers reading this are trying not to drop their dentures in absolute shock. Very rich coming from men who are about to shock their wives on their burial day, when another woman comes from the woods with a child demanding inheritance. Same thing, just more ethical.

RULES OF ENGAGEMENT

There are rules to this one though. They are not biblical rules, so every couple makes some for themselves. The ones I have heard are; open relationships are not open to all. You will be told, no hooking up with exes, or friends of the girlfriend. No sleeping with other people in our bed. Always use a condom (as if you needed to be reminded). No spending the night, always come back home. Remember, you are not dating them, just sleeping with them; you have one girlfriend. And for the love of Akuku Danger, do not moan Sharon’s name when you’re with Emma. That is just rude.

Many have tried this open relationship thing, and it fell flat like the shape of the earth before Pythagoras. Let us be honest, this whole concept of polyamory is just like the concept of adulthood or democracy - works better in theory than in real life.

BITTER PILL

The decision to be open is not mutual; the other spouse only said yes because she did not want to lose you. Terrible mistake. Then it is all fun and games until you remember that opening it up goes both ways and all of a sudden the idea of your woman being with someone else pours sulphuric acid on your chest.

Halafu one day when Emma is driving her phone rings and she asks you to reach into her bag to see who is calling, and as you do, you run into some Magnums. First comes comparison. Then comes jealousy. Then comes the realisation that what is good for the gander is good for the goose, in a baby basket.

There are people out here, however, who have managed to crack this open relationship thing. The ones who decided that, indeed, they go well together like gin and tonic, but once in a while, they will add strawberries and sparkling wine to make a spritz of their union. People like Will Smith and Jada Pinket.

Those lucky studs should share the cheat code. We also want to have our cake and eat it too.