About those Facebook relationships…

Facebook has gone ham. Forget the rabid tribal diatribes; there is something worse going on. It’s people running their relationships on Facebook.

Literally. Facebook has become this large stage on which couples show the world what they want you to see of their glorious relationships.

A friend who is newly “dating “was tagged by his girlfriend of four months as being in a “relationship”, which meant everybody in the world (his Facebook friends, rather) woke up to the message on their notifications that “Christine is now in a relationship with Felix.”

Let’s just say that he didn’t exactly share in her enthusiasm. He didn’t even think they were in a relationship to begin with.

It was headed there, yes, but now he had little choice but embrace this new status quo.

He had half the mind to ask her to remove it, but then she was going to ask, “Why?” which was going to open the biggest Pandora’s box this August.  So he let it be; nobody argues with the declarations of Facebook.

Knowing exes

What is it with some ladies who feel that they have to loudly announce their relationships online? Those who see it fit to give a blow by blow account of just how glorious (or not so) their relationships are, and in the process, drag a whole bunch of hapless chaps down this road of grand exhibition?

I frequently scroll down my timeline and there they are, proclaiming to be happy or sad. In fact, I can tell the mood of some of my friends on Facebook by just reading their women’s status updates.

If I read something like: “Man might have discovered fire but women know how to play with it” or “One of my main regrets in life is to give considerable thought to inconsiderate people” I won’t even bother calling him up to ask how they are doing.

There are scores of women on Facebook who meet a man and immediately start updating their profiles with tons of pictures with their new catch. The new man is glorified as the king.

Her photo-album (now wiped clean of the guy who was the king only seven months ago) is full of them in various poses: “My baby and I at lunch”. “My man surprised me with these awesome shoes.” (Surprised? You dropped hints for two months!) “Such a sweet, sensitive man, look at that smile. Isn’t he the sweetest?” “And he can cook too! So lucky!” or “A lazy Sunday afternoon chilling with Mr. Man.”  Or even, “Those dimples! Hot!”

Maybe it’s to show her friends that she can get a good man after that previous prick that wasted her time. Maybe it’s for the previous prick to see how fast she moved on and how up she upgraded.

Maybe it’s for her, to build her self-esteem, a vain celebratory endeavour. Granted, you can do anything you want with your Facebook account and whoever has issues should go ahead and un-friend you, but still it’s truly wasteful.

Wasteful of time, of resource and of bandwidth. And the bitter truth as men is that we all are with someone’s ex. An ex who, at the moment you (and your hot dimples) are being paraded on Facebook as the next best thing after the invention of the flush toilet, is staring at this charade with a knowing smile thinking,

“Oh, give it a few months buddy, then report here and tell me how it’s going. I was there and I had more than dimples; I had the ‘perfect Idris Alba smile’ but at the point of breaking up she even hated how blinked.”

We are all proud of our partners, but surely, is there need to update your Facebook with “married to so-and-so” or “In a relationship with person X” only to pull it down when things go south? I think wedding pictures are fine. (I rather like those when everybody looks so happy and convinced that love will conquer all.) I also think pictures of road-trips, parties, of new-borns and well-tended gardens are grand, but not of your partner if they are used as pawn in your tiresome ego games.

I suspect that the couples who are loudest on social media have bigger issues than it seems. I won’t be surprised to find out that couples who confess their dizzy happiness are dead inside, floating and drifting downstream on a turbulence of dead hope. I suspect that these couples are hiding something, or seeking validation, or playing to the gallery or just asking for help. It’s dishonest and unsustainable.

There is something especially disconcerting with some men who having nailed a new hot girlfriend, or the “love of my life” then feel the need to loudly “introduce her” on Facebook. Sad because, meanwhile, somewhere, some chaps are telling themselves, “You guy, isn’t this chick on Facebook the same chick who used to work at Santiago Massage Parlour, the one who used to throw in happy endings?”

Let’s keep it down, people. It’s never that serious.