An evil marriage

Ann’s story reminded me of a much-known fact about female sexuality: it is neither simple nor straightforward. It is not just a physical act; it is part of an expression of complex emotional processes.

Unfortunately, most men don’t know this and tend to force sex even when the woman is traumatised by it.

“My husband has been raping me for many months now!” Ann exclaimed when she came to the clinic. “I feel dirty and filthy. I feel useless. I have thought of killing myself severally.”

Tears were rolling down her cheeks and her eyes bloodshot from continuous sobbing, a pile of crumpled, wet serviettes in her hand. She was a 40-year-old high school teacher, married to 35-year-old Andrew, who was a businessman.

He owned a car bazaar where he sold used cars. Andrew had earlier come to the clinic to complain that he was in a sexless marriage and needed help. He accused the wife of infidelity and complained that she was sleeping with other men and did not want to have sex with him.

He also complained that because Ann was older than he was, she was taking advantage of the age difference to frustrate him. To get a comprehensive picture of what was going on in the relationship, I asked to see Ann separately in the clinic.

“So what do you mean when you say he has been raping you?” I asked Ann.

Ann explained that Andrew got good money from the business but used it to drink and to sleep with other women. She had caught him severally doing this, the last time being when she popped in at the car bazaar late one evening. The gate of the bazaar was already closed but Andrew’s car was in the parking lot. Ann thought she saw movements in the car. She called Andrew’s phone and he did not pick up. She got curious and waited patiently outside the gate, her eyes fixed on the car. One hour later a woman walked out of the car followed by Andrew. They kissed as Andrew walked her to the gate.

“That is the day I declared that I would not have sex with him again,” Ann said.

It had been two years since. Andrew would demand for sex, and the couple repeatedly fought until Ann started giving in for the sake of peace. “He jumps on me each day,” Ann said. “I pretended for months that it was fine until I could bear it no more.” Ann had taken to crying in the toilet after sex. She would douche herself severally after sex. She felt filthy. Her self-esteem was gone and she was sliding into depression.

I met with Andrew once again and gave him a report of my assessment: Ann was sick from marital rape. Unlike men who can be very mechanical with sex, women do not enjoy sex when the relationship is undergoing turbulence. Women will withdraw emotionally if they find that the man has become amorous. Without emotional intimacy sex loses sense for a woman.

“But I already stopped and I assured Ann that I am now faithful!” Andrew said, interrupting my explanation.

Well, once a woman withdraws emotionally, life can never be the same. A man has to work very hard to regain the confidence of the woman. Even then, the level of trust and love can never be the same as it was before, worse still if there have been repeated episodes of the same mistake.

One misconception that most men have is that when the relationship is troubled, they can correct things by having more sex. As such, a couple will quarrel in the day and even before talking over the issues and resolving the disagreement, the man will want sex the same night. Men think that if sex happens then the problem is resolved. Unfortunately that is not how it works for women.

“So now you mean that we will not be intimate again?” Andrew asked.

It takes counseling and therapy to resolve these issues, so I had Andrew and his wife undergo therapy. “I have opted to forgive Andrew. He has been remorseful and understands the mess he has put me in,” Ann said on their last day of therapy.

They also had to have three sessions of sex coaching to regain their sexual intimacy, to reignite intimacy and once again have pleasurable sex. Pleasurable sex never comes back automatically after such a difficult relationship experience.