Are you a keeper or a plaything?
What if you had a manual that revealed how men think and what goes on in their minds when they look at you? What if this manual also offered step-by-step pointers about how to tell whether a man is genuinely interested in you or passing time? What if this manual also went ahead and offered a fool-proof formula of how to get him to finally propose?
Well, there is such a manual, at least that is what Steve Harvey, that popular American comedian, promises of his book, Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man.
Harvey points out from the onset that he is no psychologist or relationships expert, that he is merely offering women advice and insight from a man’s point of view. But this is probably what makes this book so appealing – the fact that it is written by a man. I mean, who better to offer a glimpse into the (closed) mind of a man than a man himself?
Harvey dares to say it as it is and thanks to his characteristic matter-of-fact humour, the book actually makes an interesting, entertaining read, something that cannot be said of your average textbook-like, clinical book on relationships.
We’re not saying that the book provides all the answers to all the questions you have ever had concerning men, but there is certainly a lot that you can learn about a man’s way of thinking. Read on:
Are you a keeper or a plaything?
How many times have you wondered whether the man you are with is after a genuine relationship or simply having fun at your expense before dumping you for the next hot thing that comes along?
Harvey says that by the time a man decides to approach you, he is half sure about whether you’re the marrying type, (the keeper) or the kind to make a sport of then toss on the side, (the plaything).
He defines the plaything or the ‘sport fish’ as the woman who has no self-respect, the one without any rules, requirements and guidelines that determine how she carries herself and how you treat her. According to him, such a woman is easy to pick out from a room full of women since her body language alone tells the man that she is ready for anything he throws her way.
This woman also gives men the impression that they can treat her in whatever way they like and get away with it, and for this reason, she is very popular with guys, who rarely pass the opportunity to get a free ride.
The keeper, however, is a different story. This one does not give in easily and makes her standards and requirements known from the start.
“She understands her power and wields it like a samurai sword. She commands – not demands – respect, just by the way she carries herself,” writes Harvey.
According to the author, shooting straight and letting a man know where you stand from the onset weeds off jokers. The man on the lookout for a meaningful relationship will stick around though.
Underneath her no-nonsense demeanour, however, this woman still manages to send out signals that she is capable of “being loyal to a man and taking good care of him, appreciative of what he’s bringing to the relationship, and ready for true, long-lasting love.”
Think about it, the mistake many women make is thinking that if they are indispensable to a man and if they show him just how valuable they are, the men will want to keep them. But it does not work this way in Manville– If a man is not looking for a serious relationship; you’re not going to change his mind just because he pays for your coffee and takes you to his house afterwards.
“If he’s not ready for a serious relationship, he’s going to treat you like a sports fish,” says Harvey. In Harvey’s definition, a sports fish is just good for looking at, feeling before getting tossed back into the water.
But only you, the woman, can decide whether the man will use and dump you since it is you who decides whether you are a keeper or plaything in the man’s eyes. After all, you are the one who decides whether he buys you a drink, goes home with your number or takes you home with him.
“We certainly want these things from you; that’s why we talked to you in the first place. But it’s you who decides if you’re going to give us any of the things we want, and how, exactly, we’re going to get them,” he says.
Get him to put a ring on it
You have gone out for years; he has introduced you to his family, including his beloved mother, his friends, and everybody else that matters in his life. Unlike his previous girlfriends, you treat him like a king and even his boys like you. You are also sure that he is not seeing anyone behind your back, so just why is he not proposing?
Harvey points out that unlike women, men are just not into the whole marriage thing. They are quite happy to get a child with you, share the same house, split bills and share parenting responsibilities – they are comfortable playing house, so giving you that large, fairy wedding you always dreamed of as a young girl is the last thing on his mind. To get a clearer picture of what men really think about marriage, here is his take.
“To some men, marriage fits into the same category as eating vegetables: you know it’s something you should be doing, something that’s good for you, but you don’t really want to do it because, well, the greasy, fat-filled, salty, juicy burger and fries is just so much more satisfying.”
Obviously, marriage, to men, is akin to a trap, and if they can get away with not being caught in one and still keep you, they count themselves among the happiest people in the world.
“Responsibility and marriage do not fit into that feeling (being young and carefree) until all of the playing gets tired and we realise that we have to grow-up,” he adds.
The tragedy of this, and one that Harvey does not point out, is the fact that there is no telling when a man will grow up, for all you know, yours might grow up when he hits 70.
Does this then mean that you should sit put twiddling your thumbs as you wait for your man to finally grow up and propose? Harvey thinks not, in fact, he says that the wise woman pins her man down and gets him to set a wedding date.
If your man has agreed to move in with you, have a child with you and share parental responsibilities, he has consciously pulled himself out of the market, it is his way of telling you that he wants only you, but unless you make it clear that you want a marriage certificate, he will be content to let life sail along without it.
“The timeline is yours; stop giving up your power. The moment a man sees that you’re willing to put aside your hopes of walking down the aisle, he will shelve it too,” is his honest opinion.
He also asks women to get rid of the archaic mentality that it is a man’s duty to ask for your hand in marriage if he loves you. If you don’t ask, chances are that you might end up waiting for the rest of your life, simply because men are happy enough in a ‘come-we-stay relationship.
The man is talking from experience. In fact, he lets on, the reason he got married was because his then girlfriend had a timeline, had requirements and standards which she expected him to meet.
Apart from not asking your man to set a concrete wedding date, Harvey reckons that there are two other reasons that prevent a man from proposing - the possibility that he is still married to someone else, and the fact that you are really not the one he wants. In these two cases, it makes sense to move on sooner than later.
Why men cheat
Why would a man with a beautiful woman at home, who treats him well, is a good mother to his children, keeps the house clean and even more important, keeps things in the bedroom pretty interesting want to cheat?
Many women will probably find this reason preposterous, but According to Harvey, men who cheat do so simply because they can. Apparently, they don’t view sex the same way women do. Sex to a woman is emotional, it is an act of love, but to a man, it can be purely physical.
“A man can love his wife, his children, his home, and the life that they’ve all built together, and have an incredible physical connection to her, and still get some from another woman without a second thought about it, because the actual act with the other woman meant nothing to him,” he writes.
It sounds crazy saying out loud, but men cheat because they think they can get away with it. They understand the repercussion of cheating, which essentially comes down to losing their families, but they believe that they will never get caught, and reason that what their wives don’t know, will not hurt them.
You have changed
Think back – what was your relationship like at the beginning? Your love life was exciting, you were spontaneous, and you dressed to impress him. A few years down the line and a child or two later, intimacy is no longer a priority. Apart from when you’re going to work; you never pay particular attention to what you wear, so you tie a head scarf or put on a washed-out stocking and faded T-shirt to bed. This, says Harvey, could easily drive your man into the arms of another woman.
“If he can’t get what he signed up for back at the house, he’s more likely to go out and find it somewhere else, because guess what? He knows he can always go find it somewhere else,” he says.
There is a woman willing to cheat with your man
Harvey singles out this as the biggest reason men cheat, yet this is a truth that women are unwilling to acknowledge.
This said, he, however, points out that a man will always try to justify his philandering, at the back of his mind, he understands that what he is doing is wrong and knows that cheating has no justification.
He also figures that a woman has the power to stop a man from being unfaithful. For instance, if you let a man know upfront that you will not tolerate cheating, he understands that should he cross this boundary, then you will walk out and never look back. If a man truly values what you have together, he will fight to preserve it. As Harvey points out, some men cheat simply because there is no penalty for their actions.
