SEXUAL HEALTH: Are you afraid of intimacy?

The digital age has made it impossible for anyone to hide from the rest of the world. Anyone can track you to where you are any moment of the day, thanks to mobile technology and social media.

I was therefore not surprised when I got a call from a foreign number and the person indicated that he was calling from Western Uganda and had tracked me down through the Internet.

“As I talk to you now I am contemplating suicide,” he said. “I can postpone this death for a few days if you let me come to Kenya to see you.”

I kept quiet for a while. The mention of suicide always disorients me. Then I recovered and asked him to travel as a matter of urgency so that we meet the next day.

He arrived at 7pm the next day. He had driven from Mbarara in Western Uganda to Nairobi. I quickly started the interview to understand who this man was and why he was threatening suicide.

AFRAID OF SEX

Jim was 40 years old and a businessman running a general wholesale shop in Mbarara. He was married to a 35-year-old primary school teacher. The couple had been married for 10 years and had one child aged nine.

“We cannot get more children because I shudder at the thought of sex, my heart races, my hands sweat, my feet wobble, headaches and I feel like I fainting!” Jim explained. “I panic. I feel the world is coming to an end when my wife makes a move.”

The problem started in the second year of their marriage and had progressively worsened over the years to the extent that the couple had not been intimate for three years.

Jim dreaded sex so much that he could not share a blanket with his wife just in case their bodies touched. Many times he stayed away from bed either working or watching TV to ensure his wife fell asleep before he joined her.

Jim’s fear of sex had caused degeneration in their relationship. His wife was upset and felt unloved. She mistreated Jim at the slightest opportunity. She had an affair with a colleague at work and did not hide it from Jim. She spent most weekends away from home.

Jim had become the talk of the town. His wife went around telling everyone that he was impotent. His ego had crashed. He was depressed. Thus his suicidal tendencies.

“Wow! You have typical symptoms of sex aversion disorder,” I said. He had told his story so well that I did not need to interrogate him further to arrive at a diagnosis.

SEX THERAPY

Sex aversion disorder (SAD) is a morbid fear of sex. It is a psychological problem triggered by a number of causes. Biological causes include hormonal disorders or other medical problems that kill sexual function.

There could also be social causes. Perhaps one grew up being socialised to hate sex. Sex abuse in childhood is also a known cause. Religion is also a factor. Many cases are, however, a result of relationship problems which lead to death of intimacy.

A few cases of SAD are triggered by mental illness. One could be having depression, anxiety or panic attacks. The fear of sex leads to psychological or mental illnesses but mental illness in themselves can trigger SAD.

“I used to ejaculate too fast and my wife used to insult me as a result, saying that I behave like a boy who is yet to learn sex,” Jim felt rejected, withdrew and lost self-esteem as a result.

Treatment of SAD calls for sex therapy and reintroducing intimacy. The couple has to re-learn to be close to each other; to touch without fear before slowly making further attempts at romance and sex.

This takes time and calls for cooperation and support by each partner.

Jim’s wife refused to support the treatment protocol. She continued to mistreat Jim until he walked out of the marriage to start a new life.

It has been five years since. He remarried three years after walking out on his first wife and sought further treatment for premature ejaculation. I remembered him today because he shared a picture of his newborn baby. Things had worked pretty well in his second marriage and his sex life was back on course.