Q: I went on holiday to Dar es Salaam in December last year and I met this guy. I was there for three weeks and we really bonded and fell in love. It’s been six months since I came back and our long distance relationship is becoming complicated. We used to talk every day and now we talk once every week… if at all, even. I am stressed and unhappy. I want to be with him but I am not sure about moving there just yet – and he hasn’t asked me to go. Every time I ask him to come see me in Kenya he says he is busy, and he’ll make time to come. What do I do now?
A: In my opinion, I do not believe your feelings were mutual. I believe you may have fallen in love but the same does not apply to him despite anything he may have said to make you believe he was in love. It was a holiday fling that faded with time, especially for him, which explains why he has not put much effort into you being together. Moving there should not be an option. If he really had feelings for you in the six months you would have witnessed a degree of effort to sustain the flame you ignited in December. Men are not good with break ups; most just wait for things to wither and die out. I recommend you let him be. If he wants you he will find you, otherwise don’t stress yourself over a man who may end up dating you for his own convenience.
Is my long distance lover over me?
Long distance relationship seem rather tricky because trust becomes an issue. It takes a lot of determination for a long distance relationship to survive. Communication is also a vital ingredient to a long distance relationship. Without it, your relationship is on the highway to failure. You have clearly outlined that you want to be with him. You will have to play an extra role in the relationship. Plan an impromptu visit to Tanzania and find out what is going on. If all is well, outline the importance of communication in the relationship. Also take that chance to reiterate the fact that trust is important for the survival of any relationship. Wish you well.
Calvin Queens, via email.
Just let this one go. I think you were an easy holiday fling for him and that’s all there was to it. Also consider that it’s only been six months of increasingly spotty conversation, so the man you think you know may not be the man who actually is. Let go of this holiday fling and find someone who lives in the same town as you. All the best! Beth Njoroge, via email.
Have you considered that maybe you are in love with a fantasy man? When you were in Dar over the holidays, everything was perfect because you were stress-free and happy. Let me tell you, when you live with someone and you both have to battle the stresses of work, life and what not, your real side really comes out. You say you fell in love – maybe because he also fell in love with you. I say it’s the holiday air that had you both confused. Now you are back in the real world; deal with it and move on.
Shari Mutua, via email.
You have two choices – you can go there and visit him and ask him all these questions directly, or you can tell him that if he doesn’t come to visit you with X number of days or weeks, it’s over. It’s really that simple. Over to you.
James Karanu, via email.
Next week’s dilemma:
I have been dating my man for about half a year now. He and I are friends on Facebook so I usually tag him in my pictures. His ex recently friend-requested me and after I accepted, she inboxed me telling me that my man is always in her inbox trying to meet her. She even sent me screen shots of the conversation. When I asked him about it, he blocked her. I am so confused. Are they cheating together? Is she trying to take my man? What’s going on here and what should I do?