Be keen on his sexual history before saying 'I do'

She could not reconcile herself to the fact that she married a man whose sexual values were wanting. PHOTO | FILE | NATION MEDIA GROUP

What you need to know:

  • People do change once they appreciate their deficiencies and go through a change process; although, on matters of sex, that can be an uphill task.
  • Amos had casual sex with multiple women every month. He expressed difficulty in changing; he did not seem to have the will to change.

It was the third time I was seeing Treza in the Sexology Clinic, but I still could not figure out what her problem was. She simply said she was numb, that she felt nothing during sex.

"The desire is there; I feel like being intimate but the act is flat, tasteless, I feel nothing," she explained. As a result, she had not had an orgasm in the seven years of her marriage.

"Get me clear, I always had an orgasm with the last boyfriend I had before I met my husband," she clarified.

I dedicated the session to understand the beginnings of her marital relationship and how she ended up marrying Amos, her husband. Her last boyfriend before marriage was Jackson.

"So Amos and Jackson had been friends for a long time and we used to have many social functions together," Treza said. "I am confused; didn't you just say your husband is Amos?" I asked, impatiently.

The story was that Amos started creating opportunities to meet Treza privately. He asked her out for coffee dates.

RAPE

Treza took the dates innocently, if anything Amos was a close friend to Jackson and there was nothing to fear.

"Then one evening we took coffee till late and he offered to drop me home; he stopped in a dark corner of the road and forced me to have sex!" Treza says. I nodded with understanding, encouraging her to open up and say more.

That month Treza did not get her monthly periods. She was pregnant with Amos's baby. "I did not know how to lie to Jackson whom I loved so much," Treza says.

"I told him the truth." That is the last time Jackson ever talked to her. He blocked her. Her attempts to reach him through friends were futile.

"Amos was quick to apologise and to offer a hand in marriage. And because I was desperate, I obliged," Treza says.

Over time Treza learnt to love Amos. She wanted to be a good wife and mother. It had been seven years and they now had three children.

"I healed from that first rape and it is not what has caused my numbness; it is more what happened after we moved in together," Treza explains.

Incidentally, Amos continued having sexual escapades. He had sex with the house girl, at one point he tried to rape Treza's sister.

SEX OPPORTUNIST

He recently lost his job due to sexual harassment of a female colleague. In between, he had many sexual partners.

Treza's story is a repeat of what I hear all the time in the Sexology Clinic. The man you are married to is the one you met during your dating years.

If you had a feeling that he was caring and respected women, he will be so in the future. If he treated you like trash, expect that to worsen in your marriage.

Of course, the same case applies to women. If your woman is a tomboy do not expect anything less after marriage. Some women enjoy spending time with their men talking; do not expect them to go quiet after marriage, and do not complain later when they talk.

"That is a bit depressing doctor," Treza says. "You mean Amos will always be a sex opportunist; that he will never change?"

Well, anything is possible in life and people do change once they appreciate their deficiencies and go through a change process; although, on matters of sex, that can be an uphill task; some people lack the will to change.

SEX ADDICTION

On full assessment, I realised that Treza was unable to embrace Amos in her subconscious. She could not reconcile herself to the fact that she married a man whose sexual values were wanting.

She had now and again brushed off obvious sexual misbehaviour by Amos for the sake of peace. The baggage, however, stuck in her subconscious and her body could not embrace him sexually.

As a result, she felt nothing for him sexually. "Looks like mine is an impossible case!" Treza exclaimed as I explained the diagnosis. "Do you ever help such cases?"

I asked that Amos comes to the clinic for therapy. He appeared once and after the initial medical interview, his problem pointed to sex addiction.

He had casual sex with multiple women every month. He expressed difficulty in changing; he did not seem to have the will to change.

DOMESTIC ABUSE

A week later Treza was back in the clinic alone. She had a plaster on her left hand.

"Oh, you had an accident?" I asked to which Treza shook her head and went into a fit of emotion. She cried for close to five minutes.

After the last clinic visit Amos beat her up, breaking her hand and throwing her out of the house for allegedly taking his private issues to a third party.

Treza reported the matter to the police and Amos was arrested. They were scheduled to be in court in the next few weeks. She had also hired a lawyer to start the divorce process.

She had just realised that the Amos she met while dating was still the same one and even worse seven years into marriage.