Sabrina was confused. The advice she had received at a local clinic went against her values.
The doctor had advised her to have an extramarital affair as a way of resolving her sexual problems.
“I am a Christian, and I actually found it offensive,” she explained, “but the doctor insisted that it was a prescription, and I should not feel guilty about it!”
Sabrina, a high school teacher, was 40 years old. She had been married for 15 years to George, also a teacher. The couple had four children.
“I love my family, do not mistake me,” she explained. “I however have no desire for sex; it is always dry and painful, and this is destabilising my marriage.”
She explained that George had always been understanding but she felt that he was reaching his limit.
FEAR AND GUILT
She had been observing his behaviour keenly, and she noted that he was beginning to distance himself from her. She attributed this to infrequent sex.
“You see, we do it once in three months,” she said. “I give in when the guilt overwhelms me; when I feel that I have subjected him to severe starvation.”
Many times George persuaded her to have sex but she pushed him away. She had dreaded engaging in sexual intercourse from the day they got married.
She was a virgin then and her first night with George was horrible. The days prior to their wedding were packed with activities.
There was so much to do to make the wedding successful. She did not think about sex.
Then the wedding happened. Everyone dispersed. At night, she was alone with a man in the room. She did not know what to do!
All her life she had been warned against engaging in sexual intercourse
Everyone around her said sex was not just sinful, but also dirty and risky due to the danger of sexually transmitted diseases. She therefore dreaded it.
But then there she was and her man was ready and excited. She did not know how to respond to his advances.
She could not reconcile her beliefs with what she was expected to do at this point. She refused to have sex that night and many other nights that followed.
George did not give up on Sabrina. He continued persuading her, and she finally gave in on their third day after the wedding.
She had no choice anyway. But the sex was painful. Her mind was not settled.
As fate would have it, she conceived from that first encounter and for nine months, George had to bear with her and avoid sex because she kept falling sick throughout her pregnancy.
Further, she hated sex even more. “To cut a long story short, I still dread sexual intercourse 15 years later,” she said. “George has become aloof and I fear he can easily be taken away by another woman.”
It is for this reason that Sabrina went around looking for help. Her first stop was at a small medical clinic in the estate.
She was not sure whether the proprietor of the clinic was a doctor. After listening to her problem, the “doctor” told her to get a man on the side to satisfy her sexual needs.
“He insisted that I was mismatched with my husband and gave me examples of many women who had tried extramarital affairs and ended up having great sex,” she explained.
“However, that advice was compromising my values so I thought you could give me a different solution.”
Sabrina’s experience is an example of a case that everyone should be cautious about.
There are many quacks in the market when it comes to issues of Sexual Medicine. Many people have suffered in the hands of these quacks.
Most of them prescribe Viagra for every sex problem even when it is not necessary. Others are dismissive and convince you that yours is not a medical problem.
After a detailed history, medical examination and laboratory tests, I concluded that Sabrina had unresolved beliefs and conflicts around sex that interfered with her sexuality as well as intimacy.
Growing up, she had been subjected to beliefs that overwhelmed her biological drive for intimacy.
She also lacked skills for sustaining an intimate relationship. Being in marriage was agonising for her.
I booked Sabrina for sex and relationship therapy. I also involved her husband in the treatment.
Fortunately, the couple was willing to support each other and to recover the wasted years. They went through 12 sessions of therapy combined with counselling and sex coaching.
“I cannot still describe what I felt the last few days,” Sabrina said when they came for the last session of therapy.
“I got orgasm for the first time in my life and somehow I just feel like engaging in sexual intercourse again and again!”
“Now you know what I have been going through all these years having a strong desire for you, it is now your turn to persuade me to have sex,” George said as he burst out laughing.
The hunter had become the hunted. Above all, the treatment matched her values and this made her even happier.