SEXUAL HEALTH: Childhood experiences can derange adult behaviour

Liza had decided to quit her marriage of 14 years, but she didn’t know how to walk out. There were three children to think about, joint financial investments with the man and significant social capital built around the marriage over the years.

“Either way there is so much to lose. Just help me craft a clear way forward,” she explained when she came to the clinic.

She was a 39-year-old trained high school teacher but had abandoned the profession and gone into the business of supplying books to schools. She also owned a bookshop in the middle of town. She was married to Edward, a pharmacist operating a chain of commercial pharmacies in residential estates.

“So money is not the problem for us. Our businesses are doing pretty well,” she explained. “We are also having sex quite frequently although I feel it is unhealthy sex; I feel violated afterwards and dread it, but I give in to avoid problems.” She reported that the few times she had refused to have sex, Edward would become extremely angry.

“So are you quitting the marriage because of violence?” I asked to get into the root of Liza’s problem.

She looked away and went quiet for over a minute. She then fetched her handbag and removed her handkerchief. She wiped her eyes, which were red and wet with tears. She blew her nose and shook her head. I nodded to encourage her to speak.

Edward was addicted to sex with prostitutes. He had been caught severally in parking lots of red streets in the early hours of the night having sex. He usually paid his way out but more than thrice, Liza had had to bail him out. He had also been robbed twice in cheap backstreet hotels. In one of the incidences he lost a laptop with important business information.

“What beats me is that he is always remorseful when things have gone wrong but as soon as the problem is resolved, he repeats the same mistake,” Liza explained. The last incident that made Liza decide on quitting was a message circulating in social media. Someone had taken a video of Edward having sex in his car and circulated it. The number plate of the car was clearly shown.

I asked Liza to call Edward right away and ask him to come to the clinic the next day. Edward agreed easily. When I met him, he easily narrated his sexual adventures with prostitutes and was very sorry for causing his wife distress. He intimated that he also did not like what he had done and blamed the devil for it.

“And just so you know, I always use condoms because I do not want to infect Liza,” he explained. “I am making all the effort to stop although I find myself relapsing especially when I am stressed.”

Edward had hypersexual desire disorder. This is where one has lost control of their sexual behaviour and finds themselves compelled to indulge. The victim is distressed and may even feel guilty, but does not stop. Common hypersexual desire disorder behaviours include unregulated masturbation, pornography, paid, phone and online sex, and infidelity.

There are many causes of this disorder: Chemical abnormalities in the brain; hormone disorders; a drug or chemical substance affecting brain functioning, or a psychiatric or a psychological problem.

After assessing Edward, I concluded that his was as a result of a very bad experience in his childhood. He was sodomised by a houseboy. Later on a house girl enticed him into heterosexual sex.

“You see, my parents were always away so the house helps had a field day messing me up,” he explained emotionally.

For many people, such difficult childhood experiences totally mess up emotional development. They affect self-esteem so that the affected individual frequently feels useless and may resort to abnormal sex behaviours as a way of getting relief. Unfortunately this behaviour can cause harm but the individual feels helpless to stop. “That’s very profound,” Edward interrupted as I explained to him my diagnosis. “So is there a way I can get treatment for this?”

I enrolled Edward for sex therapy. Liza agreed to stay in the marriage and support him. The therapy took three months and further reviews were scheduled to guard against relapse. It has been two years now and a relapse has not happened. For now, Liza remains in the marriage and has cancelled her plans for divorce.