HEART ADVICE: Do I choose marriage or further studies?

Friday March 15 2019

We help a reader whose fiancé is opposed to her plans of studying abroad for a year. PHOTO| FILE| NATION MEDIA GROUP


I am 27 years old. Before my fiancé and I started dating in 2017, we had been friends for more than 10 years.

We grew up in the same neighbourhood and schooled together.

One thing that he has known about me all these years is that I have always wanted to pursue my masters outside the country.

I have always dreamed of experiencing another country's way of life and education system.

Occasionally, he shared with me several scholarship opportunities that he came across.

But recently, I got an offer letter from one of the universities I had applied and to my dismay, he doesn't want me to go for the one-year course.


He says I can still study here. Notably, we were to wed in December and by me leaving, he feels that those plans will stall. I love him but I also don't want to give up this opportunity. What do I do?



Choose one that you will never regret. For me, I'd go for the Master’s opportunity. If he waits for you, he was meant to be. If he doesn’t, well and good, there are a lot of good men out there! A good one will come along, the one meant for you.

Nderitu DK,

via Facebook


First off, this is something you discussed with him a long time ago, and he accepted. He has been helping you look for scholarship opportunities.

The fact that he's backing out now is a proof that he’s not sincere, and he’s the kind of people who does not keep promises.

Your partner is supposed to be your number one support system. Second, he waited 10 years to ask you to be his girlfriend. How come he now can't wait for a year to marry you?

Rachael Murugi, via Facebook


Ten years is not a short time in a relationship. Congrats! Going for your studies could affect your marriage plans. Your fiancé seems quite set for the wedding. You also love him but apparently your studies are equally more important to you. It's good to sit with him and address both of your fears openly to reach a compromise. You need to convince him why you prefer to study abroad, and not locally. A mere interest in experiencing another country's way of life is not convincing enough. As they say, "you can't eat your cake and have it". Be sincere and considerate as you deliberate the matter.

All the best.

John Wambugu, via e-mail.


Do not give up on your dreams. Strive to enrich your life first. Then marriage will follow. At 27, you are still young. You still have your whole life ahead of you. Do not miss that opportunity. Again, long distance relationships work.

Elizabeth Nyakio, Facebook


Maurice Matheka, a relationship counsellor answers:

It is always a great thing to meet someone who you can settle with, and it’s an added bonus if they have been your friend before dating.

In your case, I feel that you should put everything else on hold and pursue your studies.

Travelling will give you an experience and Worldly perspective that staying will not. Part of being together is being able to let the other achieve their dream.

It is also a test to see whether your partner can make this more about you, and less about him.

If indeed he cares and loves you then he will wait until you are done with your masters.

If he persists that you stay, then unfortunately you may be signing up to a marriage where your dreams are never realised.

That will be a very toxic relationship that you should avoid at all costs.


I am a mother of one and in my mid-twenties. I juggle school and a side business. A lot seems to be functioning in my life apart from romance.

I have two men in my life, one is a stable guy in his mid-thirties. He is the one I love, he makes me happy and I feel like I’m myself around him. I have been seeing him for a year and a half.

The problem is that he is married. We discussed this before we began our relationship and he said he would marry me as his second wife.

He even organised to pay my dowry but I chickened out. I didn’t know how to face my family plus I felt like he was intimidated by my ambitions and goals.

He wanted me to be average in terms of career and academia so we parted ways. The second guy is also in his mid-thirties and I have been seeing him for three months now.

He is accomplished and available (single). He is not intimidated by my ambitions, but I don’t feel like I can be myself around him. Recently, I rekindled love with the married man, but I still have the other guy in my life. How do I go about this?