If you are a man and you are reading this and you are in love with a woman and you want to completely sexy up that relationship – you know, turn it into a model relationship that we can all admire and be proud of – I have an idea. Move in with her.
Rather, move into her house. This is because maybe her house is bigger and she has better furniture than your terrible hand-me-down sofas from the 80s, and I’m certain she has better taste in curtains than you. Of course she does, you didn’t even know what a curtain sheer was until two weeks ago. Besides, her home address is nearer to where you both work than your house.
She thinks it’s a great idea because you have been dating for over two years and there she will not be surprised to discover that you are a sleep walker who wakes up in the middle of the night to polish your shoes and fold your boxers. Plus, it’s romantic, isn’t it? So sell your ratty furniture and move in because you are in love, right? Wrong.
No good can ever come out of moving into a woman’s house. I’m not a pessimist, but on this, I am. I can’t just see how that relationship can be fulfilling if you move in with her, using her towels and her giving you a little space in her closet for your trousers with the turn ups.
I don’t care how modern or how ‘open minded’ you are, or how close the two of you are. Men should never move into women’s houses. That’s how you start losing self-respect.
And the women will say, “Oh no, I don’t mind, it’s fine, darling, this Biko guy is a bitter guy, I know him, we used to go to the same church a long time ago, he is bitter. I love you, and I don’t mind you moving in with me besides, what’s mine is yours and vice versa.”
It’s bollocks, gentlemen. Just get a house, then you all move in together. Or she moves into your house. She can change your bad curtains if she wants. She would have done you a favour anyway, upgrading your bland taste.
THINGS WILL CHANGE
Let me tell you a story because I can’t resist telling a story. The other day a friend said, “I’m with some girls here and they are discussing your book, have you thought of coming over here and doing a book tour?” She lives abroad.
I said, “Nah, book tours are cliché. But wait, shouldn’t you have been back home? I thought you went there for a holiday and when is the wedding anyway?” [she is engaged]. She said that she isn’t engaged anymore. I said, “Whoa!” I say, ‘whoa’ a lot when I want to hear more.
In short, they broke up because in her words, “He moved in with me and I was paying the rent and taking care of the big things because it was my house and he didn’t exactly offer and then whenever we fought that would eat me up. I was angry at him for not being the man and it started coming out in the form of words and it destroyed him and because he was hurt, he would hurt me back in other ways and so it was just really bad. Biko, actions one can get over, but words? Those you can’t and I don’t think he could and so we broke up.”
It doesn’t matter how crazy a woman is about you. If you move into her house, it will be rosy at the beginning but as sure as death and taxes, she will start resenting you when you let her pay the rent and feed you. It doesn’t matter if you are paying for electricity.
At some point she will walk into the sitting room to find you seated there with half your belly out, the TV remote, I’m sorry, HER remote in your hand and she will think, “What kind of a man is this who just sits and doesn’t pay his way?”
And that resentment will build slowly as the relationship goes on and one day she will blurt it. She will say, “Be a man.” Or “Pull your weight.” (In reference to responsibilities, yes, but also in regard to your 98kgs and 29 BMI). And as time goes on she will not look at you like “the man” anymore, but as a boarder she likes.
You will lose her respect and once a woman loses respect for you it’s only a matter of time before she starts talking crap to you, first to you, then in front of people. Don’t get to that point.
The only way to not get to that point is not to move into her house. You can move into your friend’s house if you are jobless, but not your woman’s house. Moving into your friend’s house puts pressure on you to move. Not so if you are in your woman’s house. And while at it, lose the trousers with the turn-ups.