Gifts for him

Let us turn to our Bibles for a minute, shall we?

James 1:17. I will read: “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father who made the heavenly lights; within him there is no variation or shadow…”

That is the thing with gifts; there just are not many good gifts. This means that most gifts really do not come down from the Father of Light, and so come burdened with a lot of shadow and variations.

It is Christmas season, a season to make merry and to gift and to thank God for getting us here, healthy and having survived a long year.

I say “long” because a year of any relationship with a woman is long.

And if you have survived it, if you have reached this far, then you deserve a crown for resilience and good humour.

Let us assume that your woman is reading this at this point; at the salon, her legs soaking in some warm bubbly water, getting her pedicure (which you are paying for, directly or indirectly) and thinking to herself what she should get you for Christmas.

Let us assume she has bought you all the cliché things women buy us; watches, shirts, belts, shoes, cologne, blah, blah, blah.

Let us also assume she cares enough not to go down this beaten path and wants to reward you this year because, as compared to her best friend’s man, you have been an angel.

In case she misses this article because she was distracted by Kate Getao’s column, be sure to leave this page open on top of her dresser.

If she does not read and act, then I guess you really performed worse than her best friend’s man this year.

Here goes, the gifts we want this season:

VANITY BAG

You know how when you travel you pack your underwear and toothbrush together?

Or when you are in your hotel room and you are looking for your hair oil and you have to remove every goddamn thing to find it?

Has to stop; you need a vanity bag for all your toiletries. Life is about separating your oranges from your combs.

A COLLECTOR'S ITEM

Every man should watch The Godfather trilogy at least once in their lifetime, mostly because it is one of those movies with tonnes of life’s lessons for men.

But also it is just nice to quote Don Corleone once in a while. My personal favourite quote: “We are all honourable men here, we do not have to give each other assurances as if we are lawyers.”

So hopefully she gets you this or — at a close second and third, The Sopranos or Breaking Bad.

They are all about men who offer leadership in their families by doing what they have to do.

A PEN

I am a sucker for pens but I have never received a pen so beautiful I did not want to write with it.

A good pen — like an Aurora, Dunhill, St Dupoint — is only used to write words that you do not ever want to take back.

Like a handwritten love letter. Or for signing an important cheque, like the first mortgage payment, or certificate of birth for your first child.

A hefty fountain pen is even better; it says “panache” so that you will not need to.

THE CHAIR

Family men should have their own special chair in the house.

That chair that is exclusively yours, the centre of power and the command nerve centre.

That place where all major decisions are made (ahem, after the madam has given it the nod). Mufasa’s chair.

You would rather not be gifted the whole year but receive one of those swanky guy-chairs from La-Z-Boy.

They are more than chairs; they are thrones. Hopefully you get one, but only if you pay rent there.

LEATHER JACKET

Charles Onyango-Obbo once wrote about the things every man should have. This was one of them.

We are talking genuine leather, not those that will melt and stick to your back as you queue in the sun outside KRA.

And it has to fit, unless you are the lead vocalist in a Mugithi band.

A good leather jacket says you are that guy who is not afraid to cross to the other side once in a while.

SAFETY RAZOR

There are men who grow hair faster than mountain gorillas. Men who have to shave the stubble every morning.

This is a great opportunity for a spectacle of manliness like our fathers would stage.

You there, standing by the sink, towel around your waist, shaving and whistling James Bond’s theme song. Debonair.

Use an old school safety razor instead. Google Merkur safety razors; they are not available in Kenya but they are one of those gifts that say the giver really thought about you. And your chin.

THE BIBLE

We are nothing before Him. If it comes right down to it, all the money we make will mean nothing if it is not for His will and grace.

Every guy needs a Bible/Koran. Leather bound. Keep it on your desk, or car, or bedside. Read it daily.

Theodore Roosevelt himself said, “A thorough knowledge of the Bible is worth more than a college education.”

Merry Christmas, gents — and the ladies who will gift us these items.