Go get your man, tigress!

Why can’t a woman ask a man out? If you like a man, why sit and wait and ‘preserve’ yourself? Why moan to your friends over wine and meat platters about how he is not ‘getting hints’? How is playing with your hair a hint? How is wearing red shoes a come on?

Yes, he might have mentioned that his favourite colour is red, but I’m sure he has forgotten that his favourite colour is red. We forget half the things we say; we are men.

Last week I saw a sleek maroon Audi driven by an north African who didn’t look like he pays tax. I don’t even like Audis that much, or maroon, but that evening, in that glorious golden hour of sunset on the bypass, I thought “Damn, I love that colour on that car.”

Today? As I write this, I’m sure I will never buy a maroon car. Or a maroon sweater. Or a maroon anything. Besides, men don’t even know their colours.

Ask a man what fuchsia is; they will say it’s a type of problematic weed.

POWERFUL WOMEN

So why drop hints? This hint thing is frustrating because it’s only the woman (and her friends) who gets it.

If you have been to school, did term papers, maybe even done your Masters and you have joined the corporate world and now stare down men in boardrooms and take their jobs and you make them squirm in their seats, why is it that when it comes to a man you like, you play with your hair to get his attention? This is all very confusing.

When I think of powerful women I think of Oprah, and lately that BBC Editor who resigned from her job in China – I think she’s called Carrie somebody. Oh, and Grace Ogot and Wangari Maathai. When I think of these women, I wonder what kind of advice they would give a woman in her 30s who likes a man. I don’t see them telling these women, “Oh no, sweetheart, sit and wait for him, but if you really have to help him along, just play with your hair.”

I like how some women will say that they would never approach a man they like because they are “better than that.” What, pray, is better than you? They say they’d rather curl up and die of loneliness before they let a man know that they like them. This mantra is poppycock, ludicrous. I think women should go for it. This is a shark tank and the weak get grilled for dinner. Approach a man.

Many moons ago a woman once came up to me in a bar and said, “I was just seated there [she was with a man, maybe her brother or counsellor], looking at you and thinking that it’s a shame that I run into men like you now. If only I was younger…” and before I could open my mouth she had walked away to the loo. Ballsy, ballsy woman. Those words have remained in my head like ghost ever since. It was sexy and bold and risque. She wasn’t even my type (my type never approach me, they just play with their hair) but I remember thinking, “They don’t make them like that anymore.”

But a caveat before we go too far: There is an art to approaching a man. First, don’t approach a man when you are so drunk and can’t even pronounce “promulgation.” It’s completely unattractive, bordering on repulsive. You standing there, teetering on your high heels, your bra strap showing, lips twisted, your face looped to the side from booze, muttering and trying to pass off that gibberish as sexiness. No. God no. If you are drunk, try not to approach strangers; they never forget you. And not in a good way.

Also, don’t give away too much. Don’t write long desperate messages after 11pm declaring your attraction. In fact, don’t declare attraction. Don’t call him sexy or fly or say you want to have babies with him. You have to retain dignity through this. So be graceful.

The easiest and I think the best way to approach a man is to simply say, “Patrick, hi? This weather is a nonsense, isn’t it? Listen, I want to buy you dinner tomorrow. Nothing ati romantic, so don’t wear that one coat of yours. Just food and a few drinks and talk, that’s all. How does your tomorrow look? My hair will be fresh from the salon and I want to offer you the honour to be the one to be in its presence.”

Make it light and easy. You aren’t asking for his hand in marriage for the love of Jove. I assure you that he will read your message, be flattered and if he isn’t doing anything the next day he will want to see your new hair. The worst that can happen is that he doesn’t like you. Or your hair. But that isn’t the worst thing in the world in the world, is it? It won’t affect your bottom line.

Should he not like you that way, he will make excuses not to come for dinner. Well, unless he loves free food, which would make your choice of men quite interesting. Thankfully, if he isn’t interested you will know. You women always know. In that case, don’t ask again (even if you have a better hairstyle) because that would be inching into the desperate zone. Also don’t block him. That’s pubescent.

Rule of thumb: remember the word I mentioned up there? Yes, grace and dignity. That’s your guiding light through this landscape. We notice it. And we appreciate it. And we respect you for it.