This week’s distressed reader has been engaged for what feels like forever, and she wants to hurry things along.
Q: My fiancé and I have been planning our wedding… for the last two years. We had a big engagement party and everyone thought we would get married within the first year. But since then it’s been silence from him every time I bring up the wedding date question. He says I should give him time to save up for the event. I am not so sure this is the truth. Am I being taken for a ride?
Ask him to give you a specific month and year and if that time frame doesn’t work for you, tell him why, and tell him what you plan to do. James Njoki, via email.
Societal expectations should not make you and your husband feel pressured just because of a wedding. Establishing a marriage requires proper communication and therefore you should try to understand why he is not ready for a wedding. He might be financially unstable and needs time to make arrangements so the best you can do is to support and give him time. Even though the wedding will make you feel happy, strengthen your relationship first as you work together towards your achievements. Juma Felix, via email.
Having dated and even had an engagement party, it would be safe to guess that he still loves you and that he’s working on your wedding plans. It seems that you’re not acquainted with the progress, and that is likely to keep you wondering what is going on with him and in his mind. I strongly believe that it is an obligation for both of you to establish exactly what it is that you need to have a successful wedding, in terms of finances and even more important, logistics. Two years might seem a long time to prepare for a day’s event and may turn out to be boring waiting that long. Therefore, it is your duty to find out where he is in terms of both finances and logistics since you say that you keep tabs, and see if you can offer a helping hand to facilitate the process. That way, you will realise your dream wedding sooner than you will if you keep waiting on him to do everything. Good luck. Muchira Gachenge, via email.
It is great to want to get married; however it is far more important to have a man who is both your friend and your long-term lover without conditions.
His marrying will not guarantee that he will love you in that marriage. Marriage does not nurture your bond; it is just a passage that conforms to societal and religious doctrines of life.
You can gain a wedding and marital status but lose your man because he was not ready to make that move. I advise that you concentrate on maintain harmony in your existing relationship.
There are plenty of men who are married but have never committed to their wives, their only commitment was to please their woman with a wedding, so you need to think of the aftermath. Let your man be the one to decide.
If you know your bond is strong then don’t let the need to be married kill your connection, otherwise you may end up in a marriage of convenience which has nothing to do with your love for each other.
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA: I have been seeing this guy… sort of… for the last two years. I say ‘sort of’ because he’ll usually stay silent for one, two months, without even a phone call between us, then pop up and start wooing me really heavily for about a month or so. He’ll spend nights at my house and all, but he’ll say we’re not ready to meet each other’s friends when I ask him to come with me for weddings and parties. In fact we spend most of our time together indoors. Then he’ll disappear again for another two months. I keep telling people I have a man, but they don’t believe me. Do I have a man? How do I get him to show me more commitment?