HEART ADVICE: Do I really have a boyfriend?

Q: I have been seeing this guy… sort of… for the last two years. I say ‘sort of’ because he’ll usually stay silent for one, two months, without even a phone call between us, then pop up and start wooing me really heavily for about a month or so.

He’ll spend nights at my house and all, but he’ll say we’re not ready to meet each other’s friends when I ask him to come with me for weddings and parties. In fact we spend most of our time together indoors.

Then he’ll disappear again for another two months. I keep telling people I have a man, but they don’t believe me. Do I have a man? How do I get him to show me more commitment?

READERS’ REPLY

There must be something wrong between you two. The best thing to do is to have a serious conversation with him. Explain to him you are worried about his behaviour. Let him explain everything. If he refuses to tell you what’s wrong, then know he is not ready to marry you. Good luck. Sarah Jane, via email.

You need to confront him about this, fast. He needs to explain exactly why he hasn’t introduced you to anyone he cares about. And you need to break up with him if he doesn’t introduce you to the people in his life soon. James Njoki, via email.

Let me introduce you to a trend going around these days, and it’s called ‘situationship’. Everything you have described shows you are in one.

Situationships look like a relationship but have no official titles or commitments to friends, consistency or public display of affection. A man/woman will stay silent for long and initiate a conversation usually geared towards getting sex or booze.

A situationship is also characterised by nondisclosure to his/her friend since nobody should know you exist. Be wary of the new thing in town lest you are disappointed by ‘your’ man.

He wants what you are giving him freely; that’s why he spends nights at yours with no commitment from him. Timothy Onyinkwa, via email.

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MAURICE'S REPLY

I have a feeling that your man does not want to feel trapped. I believe he wants a degree of freedom. All you can do is ask him if he wants an exclusive relationship or a casual one.

It is important that he tells you the truth rather than telling you what he believes you want to hear. It is not compulsory for a man to graduate his relationship with a woman – not unless he wants to.

You both have mutual liking for one another but you may have conflicting future expectations. Tell him you would love to be his girlfriend without making conditions and see how he responds.