I am a mother of one and in my mid-twenties. I juggle school and a side business.
A lot seems to be functioning in my life apart from romance. I have two men in my life, one is a stable guy in his mid-thirties.
He is the one I love, he makes me happy and I feel like I'm myself around him. I have been seeing him for a year.
The problem is that he is married. We discussed this before we began our relationship and he said he would marry me as his second wife. However, I felt like he was intimidated by my ambitions. He wanted me to be average so we parted ways.
The second guy is also in his mid-thirties and I have been seeing him for three months now. He is accomplished and available (single). He is nice to me and not intimidated by my ambitions, but I don't feel like I can be myself around him.
The first guy and I recently rekindled our love but I still have the single guy in my life. How do I go about this?
Dating a married man is wrong. Society frowns at it, God detests fornication, and you aren't being fair to even yourself.
A woman with even an ounce of pride would never share someone else's husband. When he and his wife got married, they vowed to faithfulness.
Why are you as an outsider coming to help him break that vow? Do not lie to yourself that you are more special than his wife.
If he cheated on her with you, he will also cheat on you. As a matter of fact, if you accept to be his second wife, what is stopping him from getting a number three? You are not that special.
Mark Mote, via mail
The married man you have reconciled with might be the type you want to date, but you have to understand that he is someone else's husband.
This relationship is not guaranteed to work out because there’s another woman in his life.
The second man might be the right one to date only that you have not invested enough time in him. It has only been three months of dating, which is not enough to enable you to make a wise decision. Don’t ruin someone else’s marriage yet there is a man in your life who is single and ready to settle down with you.
Juma Felix, via mail
You are selfish. The married man’s wife is probably crying to God to solve her marital problems yet you are having fun with her husband.
Don’t destroy someone else’s marriage. Go for the single guy because he is available. If not, wait for your man; he will come along some day.
Dennish Ogal, via mail
Follow your heart. If the man makes you happy and treats you well, you can consider getting married to him as a second wife. After all, polygamy is a way of life in Africa. Further, some religions allow polygamy when social circumstances make it necessary.
Ann Warui, via mail
Many men marry to gain a wife and home maker but not necessarily to have a sexual lover.
For the married man, you are his lust factor and with that comes a degree of freedom and affection that he does not display at home.
He is free around you and so he allows for you to be free around him.
The psychology behind attraction does not recognise marital status and that is why you are not so attracted to the single guy; and it is very possible that he presents a conservative self hence the reason why you are not free with him.
My only caution to you is — do not allow second wife status to ever be realised because your relevance at the moment is based on your current dynamic.
You are his friend and sexual lover, gaining the status of wife will only assure that you are replaced at some point.
NEXT WEEK’S DILEMMA
I have been married for 10 years. We have two children — both of whom are girls. My husband and I had agreed to have just two children but since the beginning of the year, he has been obsessed with the idea of us making a baby again, which he hopes will be a boy.
I have tried talking to him out of it because I don’t want another child but he won’t hear anything of it.
Last week, he called both of our parents saying how disobedient I have become. Please advise me what to do noting that I don’t want more children.