How petty can you get?

Growing up, Cindy and Flo were inseparable. Their friendship started in primary school and went on through their secondary schooling.

The two women, who are now in their mid 30s, were the perfect example of BFFs (best friends forever).

They were so close that their parents became friends. “I remember we would always attend tuition classes together every holiday,” recalls Cindy with nostalgia.

The two friends went to different universities though that never interfered with their friendship and they always kept each other abreast with what was happening in their lives.

“Flo graduated two semesters before I did and she was lucky to get internship immediately,” says Cindy. “By the time I graduated, she was already settled in a nice one-bedroomed apartment,” she continues.

Due to the nature of their close relationship, the two decided to look for a bigger house which they would cost-share as Flo’s parents were willing to chip in to assist before their daughter got a job.

“Well, that was how Flo and I ended up staying together,” says Cindy who was later employed as a marketing executive by an international firm.

“Life wasn’t too hard since we shared all the expenses equally,” says Cindy. None of the two, however, had seriously dated before and when Cindy met a man who was keen on marriage, Flo appeared happy for her friend. Jimmy became like the third force in the friendship triangle and it never raised any insecure thoughts when Cindy would find the two at home when she came from work. “Jimmy was a good chef and at times he would be in the kitchen with Flo trying out a new recipe,” says Cindy. Unknown to her, her BFF and man were cheating on her behind her back!

TIME ALONE WITH HER MAN

Flo had a flexible schedule and she could afford time out in the afternoon while Jimmy, who ran his own garage, was equally flexible. Cindy would probably never have known anything was happening between the two had it not been for her nosy neighbour. “Mama Tony was a stay-at-home mum and had taken it upon herself to update all the neighbours about the day’s happenings while they were away,” explains Cindy. “At first, I assumed she was just being nosy when she told me that my house-mate and boyfriend always spent time together during the afternoons until the day I found them making out on the couch,” says Cindy. She had decided to investigate and came home unexpected one afternoon. “No words can explain what I felt. How could they?” was all she could ask. “I have never forgiven Flo and every fibre in me screams, revenge,” confesses Cindy.

During a Bible study fellowship, Maria, 23, poured out her heart after experiencing what she referred to as the greatest betrayal of her life.

“I could not believe that my best friend was going to marry my boyfriend,” she says, still visibly hurting. Maria and Sarah were best of friends and had been through a lot together. “Sarah was the first person I told when I got engaged as they had become good friends with Sam, my boyfriend,” says Maria. She had dated Sam for a year and a half but the two had decided to wait till they were married before they had sex. “Unfortunately, we slipped and we got intimate once,” she continues. Strangely though after that, Maria says that she noticed that Sam started avoiding her and would always come up with an excuse whenever she called.

Sarah also started playing cat and mouse with Maria. “She had changed jobs and would tell me that her new job was too demanding to allow for meet-ups,” says Maria. “Eventually, Sam told me he did not think we were meant for each other,” she says. “Needless to say, I’m still heartbroken. And the worst part is I learnt through social media that the two are getting married later this year,” says Maria.

'SHE SAID I WAS LIVING HER LIFE'

“My friend, Hannah once told me that I’m living her life,” confesses Ciiru about a friend she has known for close to two decades. The two friends somehow resembled each other and were often mistaken for sisters by strangers. Ciiru was the more successful of the two and she drove a bigger car than her friend though they lived in the same estate. Every time they hang out together, Ciiru always seemed to attract more attention, especially from the men folk. “My friend would complain but in a subtle way, which I never took to heart,” says Ciiru. “I remember Hannah would ask me to take her shopping since she always said she admired my taste for fashion,” says Ciiru. However, over time, Ciiru began to notice that Hannah actually wanted to wear or own something similar to what she wore.

It never really bothered Ciiru, who assumed her friend loved her exquisite taste. When their mutual friends started raising eyebrows about how the two now dressed in near identical clothes, it occured to Ciiru something was off. She confesses she realised it wasn’t normal when Hannah changed the colour theme in her house to match hers. “I’m a fun-loving person and I love bold colours,” explains Ciiru. “The colour theme in my house is orange, black and lime green, while Hannah’s had always been brown and animal prints,” she says.

Ciiru started to feel like they were in competition. The two friends started drifting apart after Hannah called Ciiru’s boyfriend to share a story her friend had shared with her in confidence. “I felt she had overstepped our boundaries and I knew we had to part ways,” says Ciiru. “I trusted her with a secret I had never told a soul yet she decided to disclose it to a third party. It felt like she was jealous of me and wanted me to be miserable,” she says.

Ciiru still feels that her friend was too petty and even though she at times misses her, she says she’s happier. It would appear that her pettiness was as a result of extreme jealousy. Dr Kagwe confirms that pettiness may result from jealousy but it would be inaccurate to attribute every encounter to jealousy. “Other possible causes of pettiness may be feelings of personal incompetence resulting from self evaluation or feedback from a significant other,” explains Dr Kagwe.

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Why do women betray each other?

Women have been known to hit back at their fellow women friends when offended. Why does this happen? “It’s because of a competitive environment and unrealistic demands,” says Dr Margaret Kagwe, the senior consultant at Esteem Counselling Services.

“Low self-esteem gives an individual the feeling of incompetency, and betrayal may appear like the only option. A woman with high self-worth is not likely to betray another because they believe in their choices and they do not have the need for validation,” explains Dr Kagwe, who goes on to help us define pettiness.

Is pettiness exclusive to women?

Pettiness, just like emotion, is mainly considered to be behaviour typical of women but this may be because women are more likely to be vocal. Suppressing feelings or choosing to be quiet about them does not mean that the thoughts and feelings do not exist. Many times, what is petty to a man may not be petty to a woman and determining what is petty can be a contentious issue.

Is keeping a grudge petty?

When wronged, it is not petty to get angry or keep a grudge. However, it is important to evaluate the purpose the grudge you carry is serving. The baggage does not hurt the one who wronged you; it only hurts you.

Why would a friend you have known for decades suddenly turn their back and betray you?

If, during your friendship, there is competition of whatever form, desire to emerge on top is likely to lead a good friend to betray you. Friends ought not to compete but complement each other. Another reason why your friend can betray you is if they have low levels of empathy and betraying you may not sink as such an evil act. Many times, when values are not clearly explored, an act of selfishness may be interpreted as pursuing personal goals. Other reasons including lack of clear boundaries may present the right environment for betrayal.

What’s the motive for betrayal?

Depends on reasons behind it. For example, if as friends you compete on every front, betraying you may be a sign of victory. Another motive for betraying you may be out of selfishness and the desire to get what you have. There may also be no motive at all but the right environment presents itself and your friend betrays you without intending to do so.

Signs of betrayal: Sudden or gradual change in behaviour. When a friend suddenly becomes unavailable or distant, something could be amiss. Lying, fewer phone calls, change in tone and less enthusiasm during conversations or activities together are also warning signs. Another very unobvious sign is being defensive. This occurs when the friend cannot take a joke they previously would laugh off. It shows there is something they are masking.

Can a friendship be salvaged after betrayal?

If, after a betrayal, there is will from all parties to learn from the experiences, it is possible to revive the relationship and make it stronger.  It is, however, necessary to heal yourself and calm any strong emotions before jumping back into each other’s arms. Sometimes it may be wise to let go of a friend who is toxic.

Is revenge a win-win?

The whole process of planning an act of revenge is an attempt to self-medicate after emotional pain. Revenge is aimed at giving the individual a sense of justice and control but often turns into shame and regret. The individual is usually angry and they seek to regain control. They are likely to make irrational decisions in their quest for justice. Revenge actually prolongs healing from the emotional wound.

Overcoming pettiness: The most important step in any attempt to change behaviour is acknowledging that you have a problem. Accepting that you have a tendency to be petty is the beginning of your journey towards recovery.

If you don’t recognise your flaws, you can’t fix them. Monitoring and evaluating your thought processes can help you to identify petty issues. Seeking the help of a close friend may also go a long way in refocusing your energy to real issues.